Thursday, March 22, 2012

I'm not perfect - big surprise.

I wanted it to be OK on Thursday, but it's not...

I have a lot of character flaws, I accept that. One of my major flaws though, is my inability to let go.

I dwell. I get like a broken record. When I drink, it always comes back. If I don't have complete closure on a situation, I don't know if I ever let it go. Maybe many months and/or years later I can push it to the back of my mind and not really actively think about it, but that's rare.

I bring this up, because I think I could possibly mess up a friendship because of something I truly believe that her "boyfriend" did (to me), and that no one holds him accountable for. I don't know what I'm really expecting her to do; even if I had solid proof that he actually did it, but little things keep pointing me to think he did...and I keep bringing it up to her.

I don't mean to. I do it unconsciously. When I hear something about him, I just want to run to her and tell her. Maybe it's just trying to be protective of her, by making sure she knows exactly what he's done, so at least she knows what she's getting into. I don't know what it is that really gets under my skin about this situation, but I've been analyzing it all morning.

Last night I went to dollar beers with B. It was a lot of fun, but at some point she mentioned there was a picture of the "boyfriend" holding/talking on the phone that he may or "may not" have stolen from me. This resulted in my tipsy fingers going to work telling my friend that I was positive he took my phone and I expected something in return - the message was actually a lot more elegant....and brutal. What I think I really want is an apology; some accountability. Fuck, I'll take a simple admittance. I'd rather know my enemy, than just be suspicious all the time.

Why can't I get over something that happened 8 months ago? What's more, why can't I get over something that will never have a resolution? What am I expecting to happen? What do I want from her? What do I need from him?

See, this girl and I aren't super duper close, but she's a friend. I know she talks to this guy pretty much every day and I do think that he's taking advantage of her...but she's letting him and loving him all the same. However, their relationship is probably stronger than mine with her. Am I trying to drive a wedge between them? Am I doing it because I care about her and don't want to see her be used? Or am I bitter towards him?
I just don't know and I can't seem to get over it. 

I think that when it comes down to it, what really grinds my gears is that back when the thievery took place, she said if it was him that she wouldn't speak to him again because it was such a shitty thing to do...yadda yadda. I know months have passed and they're way closer than they were back in October, but if it "was him", would she "stop speaking to him"? Nope. I know that, she knows that. She might believe me. She might even believe that he did do it, but it changes nothing. Essentially, I know that she would choose him over me - even after the constant BULLSHIT that he puts her through. And that, my friends, is the icing on the proverbial cake.

Steal a phone; steal a friend. No accountability. 

Can't let go - but I have to, if I plan on salvaging what's left of this damn friendship and my sanity.

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