Being let go and not being able to let go.

I've never been fired from a job before. I've never been asked to leave, or been given notice. Let me knock on wood for a second....My coworker, whom I've grown fond of over the past year, is being let go. Her boss got promoted, and now, as a Dean, she's being provided a new assistant through the Dean's office. You know what I say to that? GODDAMMIT.

I hear they're hiring a temp in a few weeks to cover for her. That really blows, because now I'll be doing my job, and someone else's...again, and the time it takes to train a temp, if they aren't going to be staying, is time wasted. I'm just irritated, because my coworker's boss is really hard to work with and she's really patronizing, and not a lot of people can handle that. Also, there's a chemistry in the office that just works, and they're planning on hiring some "senior administrator", which probably means OLD. I don't want to work in the office with an old lady, honestly.

Sorry, that's mean and ageist, but we're trying to be really tech savvy in this office, and if I'm the only one who knows how to work the goddamn equipment, my workload quadruples.

Also, I just feel bad for my coworker, because she put an offer on a condo and in 3 weeks, she may not have a job. It's just a shitty situation all around.

Speaking of shitty situations. I spent almost 3 hours total on the phone with Expedia's custom service yesterday, to change my flights for my trip to Atlanta and Florida. To begin with, it sucked that I had to change the flights at all, but my job was being really anal about shit that I thought I had approval for, but apparently I did not. So I am now going to Atlanta on Tuesday, April 24th around noon, spending two nights at the Marriott - Wednesday and Thursday at the conference. Thursday night with H, and then Friday I will be flying to Florida to see the fam and flying out Monday, BRIGHT AND EARLY (another shitty situation) and trying to make it to work around noon. It's going to be a busy day.

Can anyone really explain to me the difference between an Economy car and a Compact car though? For three dollars more, I can rent a compact car. For three dollars more than that I can rent a midsize. I HATE 2 door cars, like really really, so I refuse to get one and want to know if that's what Economy means. I'm so bad with cars, but I'm pretty excited that now I'm 25, I don't have to pay an extra fee a day to rent a car. I also now have far too many credit cards than I should have, but I'm good about keeping on top of them, so I guess I'm building up credit.

The cards sure are taking a beating though. I decided yesterday, that instead of going to the gym like my surgeon said I should probably start doing again (and he's right, because I spent $75 on the gym this month and honestly, I don't plan on going this week...so bye bye $75), I decided to shop.

I got about $350 worth of clothing for $200. I have a problem making decisions, so I got a few things in multiple colors. In fact, I think I got three different things in two colors a piece. I don't even know if I really look good in that orange-y coral color that's so in season, but we shall see. What I do need to do though, is do some more ab stuff, because this belly! No bueno.

On Friday I went on a friend date. We ate at Bubba Gump's (because I really really wanted seafood) and saw Hunger Games (like everyone and their mom). I almost killed the guy though, because he was late. I had just spent a cool hour and a half in Bed Bath and Beyond, buying shit that was so beyond what I needed, that I was really upset when I was waiting 45 minutes with my big bag, in Times Square, outside of the movie theater.

Times Square is like the black hole of the Universe. Time, happiness and money all get sucked into it, never to return. I wanted to rip my hair out, but instead I sent an angry text and contemplated leaving his ass. He's a good guy though, and my work lunch buddy, so I held it together and we had a nice dinner/movie.

Saturday I was supposed to go out with Little D, but there was some confusion over the tickets to the party and yadda yadda, we didn't go. I was ok with this because Delta was supposed to come over (oh yeah, did I tell you, he's baaaaaaack). That, however, fell apart. I think I might've jumped down his throat a little early, but honestly, the whole situation was a bit to reminiscent of the rest of our "relationship" and I am NOT down to repeat that.

Let me backtrack. Delta messaged me LAST Sunday, the 18th because for whatever reason he remembered my number for the past year. He wanted to see me. I wasn't doing anything. I made no plans with him. Told him if he came by, he came by. The end.

He came by.

We sat on my porch for a while listening to music and "talking". I tried not to feel awkward. I looked like garbage and didn't care. He's just lucky I wasn't still wearing the sweats I had been wearing for almost 48 hours at that point. He showed his true Jamaican side (yep, I said it. He's a Yardi) He danced to my music, I chuckled, and continued to try not to feel awkward. We hugged for a while. It was uncomfortable. Not because it was with him, but because he's so tall and lanky and my head was in an awkward position and it just wasn't comfortable.

Anyway, this past Saturday he asked to spend the night. I'm an idiot so I agreed. I told him he should make me dinner.

He asked what I wanted (an hour later) and I responded (something delicious)...That was at 4:35pm. 

At 5:48pm I said "So if I eat dinner before you get back to me, you should probably forget tonight." 

At 6:46pm I get the response "Ok cool." To which I response "Ok cool what? I'm about go to eat."

"U said for get to night."

"You obviously can't read well. But year, just forget it all. Nothing's changed Delta, and I said I wouldn't do this again."

"U said befor u eat."

"I said IF. IF you didn't get back to me before I ate, THEN forget tonight. Jesus..."

"Relax u said for get it I'm still comin by" ----WHAT?! How does this make sense. "For get wat cookin" "Our comin by"

At which point I flipped out "Forget it all Delta"...blah blah blah I went on to say forget second and third chances and tell him not to try and contact me again. This was at 7:40pm.

At THREE FORTY SEVEN AM, he said he was on his way from Long Island when I said not to come, and he was coming all the way from far out in LI. I said it was too late. He said it wasn't. Told me he had gotten to Brooklyn at 8:15.

We are NOT going to work out. I'm already frustrated. Maybe I'm being a girl about this, but the reason I had to cut him out of my life the first time was due to his lack of respect for my time...and nothing has changed. We're still "talking" because I realized I MAY have overreacted a touch, but I can see where this is going and it's nowhere good.

8 days until Jamaica. I need it.

Sorry for partying? A return to having a social life.

No seriously. I had to apologize for accepting a free beer yesterday. In fact, my "date" left me because of it.

Let's rewind back to the beginning. On Sunday I started talking to this guy from OKC. It was awesome. Our texting was perfect. I had such a grade school kid crush. We made plans to meet up yesterday for drinks.

I worked until 7:30pm, even though my intention was to just watch tv on my work computer to kill time. Obviously, that was not one of the researchers I work with's plan.

I finally met up with the guy at 8pm by Grand Central. He was in this bar called Muldoons that had a shitty crowd, but they had Karaoke, which is totally his thing. As soon as he opened his mouth to speak, I was not impressed. His voice and mannerisms reminded me of 'Bino...who is gay. Something about him just didn't sit right at first, but I tried to make the best of the situation.

I bought myself my first drink, because he didn't really offer...which was interesting in and of itself. Maybe I just jumped the gun because I needed a drink. Blue moon with an Absolut Mandarin topper, please and thank you.

He sang. He was really into it. He sounded terrible, in my humble opinion. He thinks he sounds great. Bad sign number 2. Still trying to make this work because we had such great text chemistry (does that even exist?!). They were promoting Irish beers for St. Patty's day, so we had a flight of free beer (Harp, Smithwick's and Guinness). We turned the Guinness into a small Irish Car Bomb, which he did pay for. Redemption. Still at -1 though.

We went to this place called Turtle Bay afterwards and got another beer. Note, it was dollar beer night. We were hanging out downstairs when he decided that we should go upstairs. We went upstairs and shortly thereafter he went to use the restroom.

In that time, I was left standing there with my dollar beer, and a guy and his two friends were sitting at the bar with 20 beers in front of them. I had just finished my beer, and one of the guys, a big guy. 6'4" and hefty, offered me one of their millions of beers. Why would I decline? I was waiting for the other guy, I was out of beer, and it was a dollar. You can't expect anything in return for a dollar beer when you have 20 of them, right?

So I drank, we flirted a bit, and I kept checking for the guy I came with to come back. Then I get a text.

Apparently, the guy saw me "flirting" with big dude and decided it was time for him to go because I was ridiculous/rude for accepting the beer and blah blah blah. I sent a bunch of messages back, tried to call him, he didn't answer. He finally said he was outside. I went to go "talk" to him.

I told him I was looking for him, and he was being ridiculous. It became kind of an argument. I said something to the effect of "I'm not arguing about this. Not here. Not now." and I started to walk away. He said "I'm not going to chase after you." My response? "I wasn't asking you to."

And that was the end of that. I haven't spoken to him since. I went back in and continued to enjoy my evening. I was dancing and probably had at least 6 more beers because big dude decided to buy two more rounds of 20. I hadn't eaten, and for whatever reason I didn't eat the wings they offered me. I was really excited at the thought of going to the strip club which they had brought up. One of them, the one who kind of looked Asian, but turns out was hispanic (I'm thinking Filipino...is it wrong that I wanted to write "Flip". Whatever.) He wasn't going to come to the strip club, so I tried to convince him. I guess that kind of led to flirting.

I don't really know what happened, but big dude went to the bathroom and I was talking to Flip. He expressed his interest in me and when big dude came back we kind of were trying to sneak away. It was like a little game. I don't know how it all happened, but we snuck upstairs and were talking and then when we came back downstairs big dude was upset. Called me a bitch and a ho, because I "chose his friend" over him.

I really can't keep up with this whole story. Big dude was wasted. I was pretty done. Flip was laying it on thick, my ego grew to the size of the bar. It was so sweet. He kept talking about my boobs and ass though. I guess I looked hot. Cha ching!

We went downstairs and he bought me another beer. We were chatting and somehow I ended up going home with him. Back to Brooklyn. To Williamsburg. He bought me a sandwich that I didn't eat until this morning. We just made out a lot. Nothing more than that. It was late as shit. He spent HOURS trying to convince me to stay. He offered his bed, and he would sleep on the couch. He offered the keys to his apartment so I could lock up behind me if I left for work after him. Ridiculous.

I called a car service and we waited in the FREEZING COLD at 4:30am. I think he was upset-ish I didn't stay with him. When I got in the cab, he just kind of said a quick bye and took off. He was going to give me money for the cab, but he didn't. I wish he had. That shit cost me 28 bucks!

Also, the car service driver decided it would be a good time to hit on me. It was really funny actually. He was disappointed that the guy and I didn't hook up though, because "nobody won".

All in all, absurd night. I pissed off two guys. Went home with another. Managed to keep my pants on.

I went to work at 11am today. Big mess.

It's 70 degrees outside. Honey tonight. I might die. I hope my stomach gets its act together, because I need to it to steel up.

Beer might be the solution to my blacking out problem.

I'll add pictures later when my stupid phone connects to facebook.

I'm not dead, just dating...

which is kind of killing me.

I'm just tired lately, and I'm "dieting" or at least watching what I eat. It's making me sad.

Anyway. Vybz Jr. got evicted so he's been staying with me the past two nights. Other than offer him a place to stay for a few nights, I'm trying not to get involved. It's working well enough so far.

I went on a date on Monday, and one yesterday with this guy I used to talk to last year. Both were pleasant, but I just want to go home and sleep now.

Basically, I just wanted to let you all know I have not died.

More to come...sometime.

Neglected like a red headed step child (sorry for my social life)

Sorry about that blog-followers.

I've been really delinquent lately, probably because my life has erupted into glory. Well, that might be a lie, but I'm pretty darn busy. Not only am I relatively busy at work (with grants, which I hate - but take up a good portion of time), but my social life is currently exhausting as shit.

B and I still aren't speaking, and while I thought this would be particularly devastating, it hasn't been. In fact, I kind of feel a little bit better. I'm finally taking control of my life. I feel like I was always trying to live in B's shadow. There are so many things about her personality and life that I was envious of. She has a large group of friends, everyone loves her, etc...but over the past week I've realized more and more that that's not really me. It has never been me. While I want people to love me, and I want a lot of friends, how I lived my life for the first three quarters of it, make that impossible. I don't have the core friends from growing up that she does. I don't have the big family that's tight knit, in fact I don't know the last time I had a conversation with a family member other than my mom or dad. I think I'm finally becoming content in this. I have friends, I have options, I'm ready to define myself as something other than one of B's best friends. It's been cathartic getting out from under her shadow.

Another thing I've realized more lately, is that I ask things of people, I have to offer a solution. I think I was wrong to tell B that it bothered me she was still talking to Ni, but I didn't offer her any other options. I also realized that there was obviously a larger issue brewing underneath the surface, or someone as insignificant as Ni would not have been able to rip this hole in the fabric of mine and B's friendship. For now, I'm content to keep my distance, at least until September. Then again, maybe this stand off will last a little longer, because I don't feel like I NEED her, like I felt before. Since Wednesday I've been happier than I've been in a long time, and I plan to keep it this way.

Now onto a less serious note. VWR will now be joining Feather (this is what we're going to call Nyeg from now on, because it felt wrong not to give her a nickname) and I. On Thursday of last week, the Mexican and I met VWR to get our nails done. Turns out we missed out appointment last week and thus parted ways. I went with VWR to get a pedicure down by her apartment and then we walked over to Honey, after a 20 minute unfruitful Marshall's adventure. We had a lot of fun sitting outside drinking and waiting for Feather. She had to go though, against her will, because she had made other plans. Feather was there by that time with her two friends. One whose birthday I went to a few months ago at Marquee and blacked out at. Love that girl though. We danced and had a great time. They won't give me individual drinks there anymore, and from now on I will be drinking out of a carafe. I mean they'll obviously give us cups...but as on Thursday, I will probably drink straight out of the carafe.

These actions caused me yet again to have an EPIC hangover on Friday, and I didn't go to work. It was brilliant not doing anything. I was supposed to go to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings with some old acquaintances from The Possibility Project, but the torrential downpour kind of put a downer on my plans. Instead I got ready, thought about going and ran into OhD. He told me that his friend and someone that I had hooked up with who never called (turns out he used to ask about me all the time), was killed. I was really sad about this. OhD and I decided to drink a bit in my kitchen. Mostly the coronas from my trunk. His friend Franz, who I met before, and is missing a few brain cells, came over later and brought a fifth of Smirinoff. I was forced to partake. We basically hung out until about 4:30am when OhD decided to crash on my couch...as per usual.

I was talking to Terron, and he decided he was coming over, so I had to wait up for him until 5:30am. I swear I knocked out within a half hour of him getting to my house. We laid in bed and were all cuddly on Saturday until about 6pm when he left. I was supposed to go with Nyeg out to dance. She went to a cookout and although she invited me, it was way up in the BX and since B and I are not talking, I would've had no where to stay up there if I decided to drink. We were still going to go out, and she told me she would hit me up at around 10. Her phone died, I heard from her at midnight. She was still at the cookout, and I had made other plans. At around 11 I decided I was going to see my friend JBike. He had stopped by my house a few weeks ago with his friend Vybz Jr. (VJ) and said that he was going to be hanging out at VJ's and I was welcome to come over. So I trekked out to Canarsie (in my car with brand new tires and brake pads that make me happy). We basically drank and they smoked all night. Their other friend was there and he was a touch creepy, and played with my hair, and his accent and deep voice made it very hard to decipher what he was trying to say...other than that he was hitting on me.

VJ started giving me an impromptu foot massage at one point, and all three of them complimented my sandals. By the way, I love foot massages. It went on for hours. We were watching Dancehall videos because VJ is I SWEAR Vybz Kartel's biggest Haitian fan, ever. Anyway, at around 4:30am, I told them all I was leaving at 5. 5 rolled around and decided to stay. I was sleepy, and they pressured me to just crash there. VJ passed out at the foot of the bed and JBike and I were in bed joking around and being stupid. The other friend had left because he had work in the AM. So JBike definitely tried to put the moves on me, but I wasn't the most receptive to the advances at first. And even when I gave in and we went at it, my body was not thrilled. He was drunk, I was sleepy, mechanically it was not working well...so after much unnecessary friction, we stopped and went to sleep. Both unsatisfied, but I was not upset about that. Mind you, VJ was still passed out at the foot of the bed.

A few hours later, JBike wakes up and starts messing with me again. He steals my pants. Seriously, I'm the worst play fighter, I lose EVERY time. Anyway, I was feeling some pain from earlier, because chafing is no bueno. So I was not really interested so much in getting it on again. So I was laying in the bed in my panties and shirt and being an ass, basically curling up into the fetal position and laughing. Here's where the story gets a little odd. VJ wakes up at this point and starts giving me another foot massage, and kind of feels up my leg.

I was a bit caught offguard and kept laugh and shaking my head. Then, their Jamaican friend called and said he was coming over and going to bring Pizza, which he didn't. I said I was about to leave, but JBike said that he was going to get the Pizza. I don't turn down free food, so I said I would wait.

It was super relaxing, I was well fed and I was happy. After more dancehall listening and VJ and the Jamaican sang along to Vybz for hours and I lazed around the bed and drunk bear, VJ went to drive the Jamaican friend home and JBike put the moves on me again. This time, success. Both of us got what we were looking for. When VJ returned, JBike said he was going to go home and shower. I said I was going to leave. He said he was going to bring back food. Again, I stayed.

When JBike left, VJ put the moves on me. As I'm telling him this is a bad bad bad bad idea, and why didn't it bother him that I had had sex with his friend, he kept telling me he liked me more and that was between me and JBike. I chuckled and shook my head and yet he pursued. Persistent mother, let me tell you. I committed a pretty ho-ish act that day, but whatever. The whole act was completely different. The shapes and sizes were completely different. Their demeanors were completely different. They knew about each other. I was being THAT girl, and I just didn't care.

JBike came back and we were watching a movie. I snuggled with VJ the entire movie. It should've been awkward, but it wasn't. I finally went home that night and washed all of the weed smell and dirty off of me. Glorious shower.

Woke up on Monday morning with texts from both of them saying that it was a great weekend, they were happy I came to hang out and that I'm invited any time. I talk to them every day now. VJ is totally into me. JBike is much more of just a fun time.

Monday after work I was pretty happy to just go home. I didn't want to do anything, I was sleepy and just wanted to watch TV. So I went home.

What I didn't mention is that on Sunday at some point, Delta had sent me a text message which I ignored.

Being in such a fantastic mood on Monday (seriously, best mood in a long time), when Delta texted again and I was just hanging out in bed, I responded. There were a few messages exchanged about him missing me a lot and he wanted another chance and all of this garbage. Also, if I was willing, he would like to see me. I agreed because nothing could ruin my mood.

He came over.  

We stood awkwardly on my porch. We talked about a lot of different things. I cried. A lot. Not like boohoo, but seeping out of the eyes uncontrollably. He still doesn't get it. He understands that he was selfish. He understands that he should've told me about his daughter, and it was a huge mistake to keep that from me. He was saying that he didn't want to open up to me because he didn't know where we were headed and that kids often deterred people from relationships. Whatever. He brought up the one time we actually WENT OUT, to a lounge, with B and this guy Charles. I cried a lot more at this point, because that's all I ever wanted. I wanted to go out and do things with him and have him be reliable and trustworthy. He said he wanted that too. We only touched once, when he took my hands. I quickly pulled them away. I said something to the effect that yes it upset me that he lied about a big thing like having a kid, and then I asked him if he wanted to know why I was really upset though.

He didn't respond. He didn't immediately say yes. He didn't say yes at all. This man who wanted to try and make things better, didn't even want to know why I was upset in the first place.

I slammed the door in his face. (or tried to, the wood has been swollen because of the humidity and I had to throw myself against the door to get inside. It was not glamorous, nor did I get the awesome SLAM effect, but it did the trick)


A half hour later, he texted me. He told me he loved me. The first time he told me he loved me was when I was upset and closed the door in his face again. I told him that it was cruel. He didn't see it that way. I stopped responding...take a look at a few of these gems. Mind you, he types like a retard, and in the accent he speaks in.

 

 

I was still oddly in a good mood. I don't know what I'm going to do about him. I just don't know.

Yesterday was pretty awesome too. I double booked the afternoon because I'm smooth like that. This guy that I met online wanted to meet for coffee. I don't drink coffee and I haven't been to Max Brenner's in years, so that is where we went. I had delicious dark hot chocolate with banana. We were both hungry, so I got an awesome steak panini. He was definitely not my type. Nice guy, but it's not going to happen again. He paid, which was sweet, even though I offered to pay my half.

Amazing view, I didn't take this picture but it's even better at night.

I went to DSW and considered buying boat shoes while I waited for the other guy to come pick me up. This guy, I've known for over a year and he's asked me out a few times, but it never really came together so I kind of wrote it off. This time I agreed. He was better looking than I remembered. We drove to downtown Brooklyn and walked on the Brooklyn Heights Promenade, which was my first time ever doing that. We had good conversation and we definitely clicked to some degree. It was really nice, and GORGEOUS out.

Then we walked to the movie theater and saw Crazy, Stupid, Love, which I thought was brilliant. We both really liked it, and we were kind of playing around in the theater...mostly fighting over the armrest like teenagers. We held hands walking back to the car. It kind of happened weirdly, but it was nice. He drove me home.

Now I'm super fucking sleepy at work, but I'm about to go eat amazing steak and be a happy panda.