I started writing this on my phone a few weeks ago as I was walking home from the train. I don't have a laptop at home any more (thanks to a burglary and my shitty luck), so my phone is where I turn to, unless I'm at work.
"I think that I've always been waiting for that spark, that snap, that straw to break the camel's back. Essentially, I've been waiting for change. I've been waiting for that moment where it all becomes clear; for clarity to take over, my vision to be magically cleared, the proverbial crud to be wiped from my eyes. I've been waiting for a moment when I'll just know. Know what? I'm not sure. Everything maybe? Know what I'm supposed to do, who I'm supposed to love, that kind of thing. I've been waiting for all of the puzzle pieces to just click and for me to suddenly just...know. But it doesn't work like that, does it?
Some say it all started with a big bang, so why is it that my life can't start like that? Not literally, but figuratively but tangibly. I don't want to have to always think about what comes next, I want it to just happen. People have been fighting for freedom to decide everything for themselves since society began, but I want to be a passenger long for the ride of my life."
What's wrong with being a passenger? I spent most of my life being shlepped around from place to place by my parents, the subway, obligations, etc. If it's possible to thrive in mediocrity and passivity, I've done it. I'm not a passionate person. I can't say I'm incredibly driven. I've always been taken care of, I've barely struggled, so has this shaped me into this spectator waiting for the action?
I've come to a point in my life where I'm not satisfied, but I'm not dissatisfied. I suppose it is possible to be unsatisfied, but have no real negative feelings. I just...exist.
My job is boring and pointless. I spend 7.5 of my daily working hours at my job watching television. That's right, I said it. I watch TV at work. I feel completely and utterly useless here. I'm not thriving, I'm barely contributing and I'm just getting by. I'm passively applying to nursing schools, but getting disgruntled by the whole application process although it's my only ticket out of here. I'm worried that I'm not going to have any money at all next year when I actually (all things working out) start nursing school and have to quit my job.
I have no hobbies and my current only real friend that I spend time with in NYC is contemplating an international move because she put in her work notice and her current job one upped the new jobs' offer. B is gone to another state for the majority of next year and it looks like for a good portion of the rest of this one. My social life is officially crumbling and although I care, I don't know how to fix it. It's really tough to make friends as an adult in NYC, especially when you currently have no hobbies...which I don't. No hobbies, no passions, I'm just skating through life waiting for that life-altering moment when it all makes sense and I know what I want.
I'm ready to take a HUGE leap. I can't wait to get out of nursing school because I want to do Doctors Without Borders. I need to be challenged. I need to stop waiting!
So many things to do, and the only person standing in my way is myself. Getting out of my way seems like too much effort right now, because honestly I've become a stagnant rock. Sitting, waiting, wishing, wanting...all that good stuff that Jack Johnson talks about in that song. I'm mossed over folks, and let me tell you, it's boring as hell, but physics and the law of inertia kind of dictate that this rock that I currently am will not be going anywhere without an outside force.
WHERE IS THE DAMN FORCE? What will it be? I'm not one for animal cruelty, but where's my damn straw...I got the back pain but no change.
Speaking of back pain, I'm getting old. I suffered a nasty bout of debilitating Sciatica back in October. Also, I can no longer hang like I used to. I get brutal hangovers and have a hard time staying up past midnight. Overall, I think I'm about 80 years old in practice. I really hope this doesn't fuck with my trip to Israel on Birthright next week. Yeah, that's right, I'm going to Israel for free because my ancestors were Jewish. Take that 'Murica!
I'll talk all about it soon...I may even take my dad's mini computer with me to document it because my hand no longer is capable of writing like a normal human being.
That gives me another idea, I really have to talk about this younger generation and their ridiculousness with social media and inability to actually communicate.
I'm going back to paying attention to Almost Human on Hulu now. It's good to be back.