All's quiet on the Eastern front

My emotional breakdown has passed.

I'm not miserable, my room is cleaner and I feel more like an adult. I gave myself a week to sulk and wallow, it's done now.

Football pretty much ruined my Sunday. Fuck the Giants, that's all I have to say. It's painful being a New Yorker and a Giants hater sometimes. It was pretty hard watching the 49ers fall apart yesterday, almost as hard as watching the Ravens blow the win. Bummer for the kicker.

I have come to a calm point with EPT. Que sera sera. I'm just letting what will be, be. It's way better that way.

That being said, I owe him a damn bottle of vodka because the Giants won yesterday. Bittersweet, because we will probably share the bottle, but I'm still pissed at the 49ers.

I went shopping a lot last week. All of my sparkly shirts, arrived. I'm wearing one today. Pretty excited. Going to return one of them, maybe two, otherwise, my wardrobe now shines! I also have 170 other shirts that I can wear at any given time. It's pretty sick actually. More than "pretty sick" it's an obsession. I went to Arden B and bought 5 new shirts/dresses on Monday.

I went to Children's place and bought baby clothes for the million baby girls that have been/will be born in the near future.

I went to this jewelry store and got myself 6 new bracelets. I'm currently wearing one of them, which I think is a step in the right direction. I paid my credit card bill and still have a little money, so maybe things aren't that bad.

I have a dinner and a movie date tonight. Things are looking up, although not WAY up.

My birthday is still on Tuesday, and I'm still getting a little sad about that. One of the Canadians is coming into town on Friday though so I'm pretty happy about that. I will be doing stuff this weekend.

I briefly toyed with the idea of going to Philly on Saturday because one of my "friends" from Philly that I met in Jamaica two years ago, invited B and I down there for a family dinner. We had fun last time, but in the midst of planning to go down there, I heard that she had been speaking to B about my behavior down there and how she was upset.

I must admit, I did something really fucking stupid the first time I was there, but as soon as my blackout drunk ass realized what was happening, I put the kibosh on the situation. I apologized to her last weekend (it was a part of my mental break down). However, I learned during the week that she was upset about what I did the second time I was there, but we seem to have differing memories as to what happened and while she responded to my apology, she didn't respond to my message wondering why she didn't just come to me with her issues with me, and asking her to call me so we could clear up what actually happened when I was out there. I'm really tired of people always going to B first. If you have a problem with me, man the fuck up and talk to ME about it. She is not my mom, my therapist, or my bodyguard, STOP INVOLVING HER.

Everyone fucking does that. It's really irritating and creates a lot of he said she said. I'd rather hear directly from the source what the issue is, I'm adult enough to handle it. I'm also adult enough to admit when I'm wrong and apologize if I am/was.

All in all, I'm not going to Philly this weekend. I'm sad that I won't get to go to Wines and Spirits, because I would really like some cheap liquor, but whatever. I should keep myself out of stupid situations that I know will come back to bite me in the ass A YEAR later, right?

Maybe I am still a bit bitter about all of this. I might send her another message today. I'll keep you updated.

Sequins and handbags

I went on a shopping spree yesterday because Express was having a sale, and I can't turn down a good sale, an inkling of a desire for something, nor can I make color choices.

I bought 10 sequined tank tops. That's right. 10.

I have a problem.

To top off my shopping spree, I went to DSW because I had at ~$75 gift card (it was actually from returning some previous items - so it wasn't any money that I hadn't already spent). Instead of just getting the one black bag that I had wanted, I ended up with a red one as well. Because I have no self control, and I cannot make color choices (as previously stated).

Yesterday cost me $320, all of which went on credit because I'm currently nearing "broke".

This is because my $3000 surgeon check cleared the same day my $1000 credit card payment from my trip to Sacramento/Jamaica processed. It hurt.

Needless to say, I'm feeling a little light in the pocket. Hopefully B will give me a bit of the money she owes me, Steel Pans will give me the money he owes me (by my birthday) and maybe my paycheck won't look like the government was wearing a black ski mask when they decided to take out my taxes.

I'm also running low on vacation days, and considering I have many unplanned vacations lined up in my head, this is probably not the happiest thing that could happen. I'm considering combining Florida (to visit fam - I'm talking to my cousin right now whom I haven't spoken to really in about 3 years, since both of his kids were born) and Atlanta (to visit ATL) into one trip, which seems doable. I don't know WHEN though. Isn't that always the question?

Last night I went to a meetup dinner. I was not drinking, and therefore I was not incredibly social, although I tried. I feel like I was the only one asking questions. The girls were all quite nice (the three I got to talk to), but there wasn't that instant friend connection. I guess you don't always have that. We'll see if I actually form real friendships with these people.

I could give more detail about the dinner, but that's all I really have.

I've so far completed 12 days of the 30 day shred. My diet is going. I don't hate my life JUST yet, but I'm also not REALLY seeing results. Probably because I half ass the workouts. I have no upper body strength and it often feels like someone is stabbing daggers into my upper thighs when I do squats, but whatever.

I'm hungry. I've been fucking up at work a lot lately because I spend 7 hours doing nothing and then the 1 hour I do spend doing work, I'm not focused, so little mistakes keep occurring.


Basically, life it blah right now.

Oh and to top it off, the feelings I have for EPT and the lack of reciprocation is making me sick to my stomach.

Fuck chemistry (organic, inorganic, and otherwise!)

The return of the desperate

Do you ever wish that some people never came back into your life? Do you ever feel bad about wishing that?

That is the state that I'm in right now. I've decided to name the guy from my last "entry" EPT. Error Proof Testing, or his initial and Personal Trainer. Either way, EPT it is.

I really don't post blogs enough, because I probably should've told this story 2-3 days ago, but I guess the story didn't change and I feel some kind of way about it now.

So here's the thing with EPT, we still have chemistry. We have an absurd amount, and it feels comfortable with him. On Saturday, we were supposed to have dinner or something in the city. He got out of work late and asked if we could just hang out at his house with his family later in the evening and have a few drinks. I was fine with that, minus the fact that he asked me this after I had already gotten ready and I was feeling really good because I smelled delicious from my shower and I didn't want to lay in my bed and revert to bedhead. I managed to keep it together for 4 hours.

He doesn't live far from me, so I figured I'd drive, especially because the MTA was being a royal pain in the ass again (and will continue to be so for the rest of the month!).

I figured that any drinking that would be done could be undone with enough water before I got behind the wheel of my car. I don't drink and drive, y'all.

When 8pm rolled around I texted to ask if I should bring anything. Chips, salsa and OJ were my list. I start driving towards his house, driving down the avenue by my house to my neighborhood bodega to get all of my items. Someone takes the only parking spot on the block so rather than block traffic or a bus stop, I decide to go to another bodega around the corner. Driving, driving...there's nowhere to park. I pull to the side, put on my hazards and make a mad dash for the store in hopes that no one comes down the block and can't get around my car. I get into the bodega where as some of my neighborhood residents would call the "habibis" are cursing young hoodlums under their breath over gum. I don't know what exactly was the issue, I was in a hurry. I see the OJ, check! I ask if they have salsa. NOPE. After basically climbing over items all over the floor, I put the OJ back because I don't want to make multiple purchases.

I run out of the store, defeated, running late, and with a car stopped behind mine. I still don't know if it was stopped at the red light or because it couldn't get by, but I quickly got in my car and drove back around the corner to my friendly neighborhood bodega. I put my hazards on while I was in the bus stop. Risque.

I got the OJ and some spinach dip (because that was an alternative to salsa which guess what, they didn't have either). AHA! Health food store is right next door! I made my dip and OJ purchase (I actually brought chips from home) and made another mad dash for the health food store. They only have the classy organic salsas, so I got medium chipotle and made my way to the check out after being misdirected by a worker. Slowest check out lady ever.

I made it back to my car with no ticket (honestly, so many people "stand" in that bus stop and so much other shizz is going down at all times, there really aren't tickets given for that. I did see a metermaid in the healthfood store though, and I was determined to beat her out of the store. Check and mate.)

So I drove to EPT's house. I think I was semi retarded because there was this big spot right in front of his house but I just couldn't right hand parallel park at the moment (maybe I was nervous). I parked on the left hand side between two cars and right behind a speed bump as opposed to between a car and a driveway. Don't ask me why I was so retarded, it just happened.

EPT answered the door, and took the goodies bag. We hugged, but I was a step down from his doorstep, so it was awkward and I tried to step up whilst hugging him and I tripped and as I tried to catch myself, I tripped again. I actually said "well that was awkward" and then we had a proper hug inside. I missed his hugs. A lot. Too much.

We watched the football game and drank vodka and I met his brother and his sister. His sister and I got along really well and he went to go smoke and we chatted and I invited her out this Friday because she's 21. We were having a good ol' time. I met his mom too.

He was being really, really nice. He was kissing my forehead and touching my leg and just saying nice stuff about me. We called ATL and left him a message. Everything was copacetic .

At about 11:30, as I was pouring my 3rd cup of screwdriver, EPT mentioned that at midnight he would be going to bed because they had to be up early to go to Woodbury Commons. What he was essentially saying was that it was time for me to go at 12. I made mention that I could hang out with his sister (since I had been doing a lot of that already), and he basically said I was his guest and he wouldn't feel right leaving me with her, and as her responsibility. So I asked for a cup of water, switched what I was drinking and got a little bitter. I took two sips and said "Fine, then walk me to the door."

He tried to ask me if I understood. I told him I did. I don't even remember hugging goodbye. I was not in good spirits.

I sat in my car, decided that I wasn't tipsy, drunk, whatever, I was just irritated and I took off. 10 minutes later I was home safely. I at a piece of leftover KFC chicken and half a biscuit. I got to my room. Laid down. Had the spins. Threw up my midnight snack.

I'm glad I got home when I did, because if I had waited for the alcohol to hit me, I would've been sobering up in my car for a while.

He called the next day to apologize for things ending so sour and promised he would see me this week.

He's the worst at responding to texts.

The reason I opened this post with musings of wishing someone didn't come back into your life and then talking about EPT, is because, sometimes I wish he didn't. It took almost 2 years for him to respond to my handful of facebook messages. He doesn't respond well to texts, and I don't like phone calls very much. Basically, he's going to break my heart because I like him. I think about him, and I hate it. I feel pathetic and desperate and hopeless.

Basically, I'm torn between being happy to have him back in my life and being upset because he's not actually back in my life.

Fuck men.

On a side note, I was thinking in the shower last night about a few things, but mainly what I would do if I got into a relationship. What I mean by that, is what I would I do with Steel Pans. We've been BCing for over 2 years now, could I give that up? God, I hope so. I like him as a person though. He makes me laugh.

Also, I should probably post about my parents at some point. They're driving each other crazy (sometimes) and I don't know how to fix it, or if I can.