Monday morning flood

I'm not sure if you can tell, but that's a flood. Guess where it was. If you guessed the 68th Street - Hunter College stop on the 6 train, you would be correct.

Guess what stop I have to get off at for work? And guess yet again, whether or not the MTA decided to mention this flood situation to the lucky MTA patrons that would be exiting at Hunter College.

To say the least, my morning commute was kind of disgusting. I mean, everything was going just fine (my mother yelled at me for eating half of a piece of steak that apparently she planned to bring to work for lunch - tough luck...she knows how much I love red meat and that she would even consider cooking steak and not leaving me some, she deserves being assed out this morning. HARUMPH) in terms of how fast the trains came. I had a seat by Dekalb Avenue. I managed to pull my skirt down enough in the back that my asscheeks and most of my thighs were not touching the seat on the train...but then I got off at Hunter College and had to wade through 6 inches of water, in leather sandals.

I'm just happy that my sandals are semi-waterproof, and by the time I got down two blocks, my feet were dry...but when I think about what was in that water, or where it came from, I get pretty grossed out. I'm also sure that having wet feet outside, is not the best thing for someone with a cold.

That's right, I still have a cold. I'm still coughing; still sneezing; still fighting off an epic headache. I was miserable yesterday at my great aunt's 80th birthday party. My sickness contributed to my unwillingness to socialize with family I only see once a year and other people whom I have either never met, or rarely see. There's something to that though. I had a great bloody mary that took be forever to finish because I was sick, so I had no booze flowing through my veins...and the closest person to my age at the party (in either direction) was my first cousin once removed, a freshman in college. So, everyone took pity on me, and left me alone (pretty sure they just didn't want my germs).

Basically, I sat around looking like a zombie, praying for the time to come when we could go home. Also, my stomach was really unhappy. I'm pretty sure the raw clams I had for breakfast didn't help that whole situation, but they needed to be eaten.

B and I went to City Island with her boo on Saturday. I drove, and kind of drove like a maniac. The food was awesome. B and her boo came back to my house and we hung out, and another of my friends came over...let's call him "HSS" because I don't know what I've called him before. We played Kings with malt liquor and everyone was really unhappy with how their stomachs felt, so we went to sleep. HSS and I cuddled, which was actually really great.

Now we're back to Monday and I'm ready for the work day to be over because it's 85 degrees outside.

SUNNY SUNNY SUNNY

I kind of feel like a John

Because I lent my "booty call" $400.

I'm too nice. Steel Pans was in a bit of a pickle where his license was suspended until he could pay $1,000 and he can't work without a license, hence the pickle. I covered the balance after he scraped together what he could. I'm probably too nice.

I've spent an incredible amount of money in the past two weeks. It's a bit sick, but about $700 of that went to vacation. I'm really excited to go to Chicago for Halloween and Jamaica for...well, because it's Jamaica and the Canadians will be there. I just need a break, I swear. I love how I act like my life is so rough and I constantly need a vacation. I'm such a baby about it.

Anyway, I'll suck it up and move on with my life.

I went to Honey last night. I wasn't going to. I even went to the gym first, but Feathers convinced me to go. If someone goes, then I go. I actually bet this guy Kirk (a real d-bag) $100 bucks that they would give me the outside table before him...and he "promotes there". I'm cooler though. They like me more. I'm going to win next week - if we go.

We had tacos and tostadas from this amazing truck right by Honey and it was brilliant. So delish. Didn't go with my diet though. Oh yeah, I'm on one of those. Watching what I'm eating, going to the gym more often, pushing myself harder when I'm there. It was going fine until last night and the three dinners/two carafes of cosmos.

That's nothing though. I got everyone shnockered last Thursday in honor of Mo's arrival. Most people ended up sick. I spent another $200. It's fine. I just need to stop "keeping them coming" when I start drinking. I'm a bottomless cosmo pit. I feel a touch bad because I blacked out for part of the evening, but at least I remembered to tell Mo where I lived...so I could pass out on the train. Yeah, I'm classy like that. I woke up BEFORE our stop though, so that worked out brilliantly.

We didn't do anything during the day on Friday and that was great. It rained and we watched TV. I need another day like that because starting on Friday night, we were going non-stop pretty much.

We went out to dinner in Union Square and then whilst drinking left over booze from Honey on Thursday (one of my fave parts of Friday mornings is going through my bag from the night before and seeing what goodies I've managed to stuff in my bag - I was not disappointed last Friday with a big bottle of cosmos and one of pom-apple martinis.)

Anyway, we walked up to Taj and we were super early, so we just kind of hung around and drank. A crazy homeless man called us lesbian prostitutes. It was funny because Mo was all "we can't stand on the corner because we'll look like hookers" and then we moved away from the corner....and lo and behold, we got called hookers. Then we went to sit in the bank and drink, and a homeless man decided that's where he was going to sleep that night. We had bad bum luck that night.

We got to Taj right before midnight and got two for one drinks. I had four drinks at once. It was pretty glorious. Good time overall. The train home was kind of a bummer because my train wasn't working...more about this later.

Honestly, I don't feel like writing anymore right now. You'll have to wait until Monday (or later next week) for more updates on my life.

In honor of another Thursday

let me tell you  little story about last Thursday.

I didn't get home until almost 3am on Friday morning. This wasn't because I left Honey incredibly late, it's because...I went to Sheepshead Bay.

You might not think this is odd, but here's the kicker...I did not INTEND to go to Sheepshead Bay.

Let me explain.

It was a Honey Thursday. I got my nails done with the Mexican and downed a cosmo while being pampered. I made my way down to Honey, slowly. Feathers said she would be there before 7. It was 7:30 when I arrived. She was not there. I went in, did my usual rounds and got us a table in the front because it was flipping cold outside. I got my carafe and commenced drinking.

Feathers arrived, FINALLY. Heels arrived shortly thereafter. Drink drink drink. Two of my other girlfriends came later in the night and I was so happy to see them and we danced and laughed and drank and had a good time.

The bill was around $200. Welcome back expensive Thursdays.

Feathers, Heels and I walked toward Union Square. This guy wanted to take Feathers home. She was going to give us both cab money (well he was). Then he was being ridiculous so we decided to get on the train. We got to the station just as my train was pulling in. I drunkenly gave them goodbye pecks on the cheek and then sat down on the train.

I woke up, knowing I had missed my stop. I thought I had missed my stop by one, like last time.

I got off of the train in a rush, and left the station. I started walking in the direction my house should've been. I had to pee desperately, so I popped a squat against a car, thanking my lucky stars for tissues and babywipes. Whilst leaning again the car that was keeping me from falling in my own urine, I looked up at the street sign.

Avenue W.

Well folks, I live down by what would be Avenue A.

I decided the street sign couldn't possibly be right, so I continued walking. I got out my handy dandy googlemaps app on my phone and searched for my location.

Lo and behold, the damn street sign was right. I was in Sheepshead Bay. I took a moment to contemplate. Do I call a cab and pay a heinous amount after standing in the middle of creepy suburbia at 2:30am? Or do I try to locate a train station.

I started walking the direction I came from. Luckily, I only THINK I'm moving quickly when I drink. I was at the train in no time.

Neck Road. That's where I was. Neck Road is 9 stops past mine. NINE. Dear god what have I done?!

The train came within two minutes. It was miraculous.

I was on the train with 6 crazy people and a teenager with his hands down his pants. One woman was mumbling and screaming every few seconds, another man was chuckling to himself. I was being watched. I messaged VJ to tell him I was on my way home.

He met me outside the train station. We went home. I tried to dodge the tree in my front yard and get around my car. Thanks to the sprinklers, I slipped. My "good" knee hurts.

I ended up with a ginormous bruise on my left butt cheek that I wouldn't discover for another two days and just thought I had pulled something at the gym on Wednesday. I don't know where it's from.

Thursdays are dangerous. Tonight will be especially dangerous. Here's hoping I don't die, or leave Mo. Or vomit. Or leave Mo. Or fall down...or most importantly, leave Mo.


I already took Friday off to nurse my inevitable hangover.

Murphy's law Monday

I figured that since I haven't posted in a while, that I would get a head start this morning while I'm still riled up. I'm much better at conveying my complete and utter hatred for certain things when I'm angry, so let me ride this infuriated buzz to inspired writing.

Here's a bit of backstory to set up the morning.

VJ had been staying with me all last week. This made me a bit late for work every day, and also made me not fight with my mother in the morning because that's just embarrassing in front of company. Also, last Monday I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond with the Mexican and bought new toothbrushes. Why did I do this? Because for some reason, there are four toothbrushes in the bathroom on the second floor of my house. There are three people who live in my house. One of those people brush their teeth on the third floor. So why, why, why, does my dad ALWAYS use my toothbrush. No matter how many new brushes I buy, or how I try to separate mine, every time I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth the brush is wet. I then, have to get another toothbrush. It's really irritating. REALLY IRRITATING.

So I kept my toothbrush separate. I left it in its little box about 6 inches away from the toothbrush holder thinking "Surely, my father will recognize that this toothbrush is not his, and therefore won't use it."

Well guess whose mother (the third floor brusher) decided to throw away two random toothbrushes, and add mine to the holder. Yup, MINE. And guess what...out of the four toothbrushes left...MY DAD USED MY FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH THIS MORNING.

So not only do I get screamed at from the third floor because I'm not allowed to flush the toilet or use any water while my mother is in the third floor bathroom, I get to deal with a used toothbrush.

I yelled downstairs to my dad. Told him not to use to turquoise fucking toothbrush he used this morning and go lay in my bed for 10 minutes trying to suppress the tears of anger because it's Monday morning and everything is pissing me off.

So my mother comes traipsing down the stairs and yells at me once more saying I can't use the water when she's in the bathroom and I'm going to have to change what time I go into the bathroom in the morning.

No-siree. I WILL NOT FUCKING REORGANIZE MY SCHEDULE, THAT I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THE WHOLE SUMMER AND BEYOND, JUST BECAUSE IT'S BETTER FOR YOU.

You have two options, Mother. Either you wake up earlier or later, or you deal with the consequences of a goddamn flushed toilet. 

I, of course, yell back at her not to touch the fucking toothbrushes because yet again my father has used mine. And why would she move them in the first place? Furthermore, is she so completely stupid as to not recognize that I separated my toothbrush on purpose that she had to put them together?

At this point, I'm cursing at her and she's telling me it's her house and I have to rework my morning routine. Yelling. Yelling. Yelling. I slam my door and finish getting ready.

I am so far hating this Monday, and because I am furious, I ignore her when she yells up the stairs that I have to move my car

You know what, fuck you and your selfish ass. If you want to get your car out of the driveway, then you might just have to move my car out of the way yourself, because I am NOT helping you.

I finish getting ready and try to sneak out the front door.

This doesn't work. She sees me and tells me to move my goddamn car. I tell her that she's going to have to deal with it on her own. She tells me if she has to move my car, then she's going to leave it in the street. I tell her to go ahead because my dad and I share the car and he's the one who's going to have to deal with it when it gets towed.

Then I give in, because I'm a good person and I don't think my dad should have to deal with the consequences of my mother being a raving lunatic.

I move my car, and have to use every fiber of my being not to play bumper cars and smash her stupid Prius to pieces. She drives past my car, yells something out the window and I just give her the finger. At this point, I am now running 15 minutes late. Now this doesn't seem like a lot, but the difference between 8am and 8:15am when it comes to getting on the subway is major.

MAJOR.

I get to the train station and it's packed. The train takes a while. It's a Q. It's even more packed. I refuse to jam myself on the train, knowing I will have to walk farther because I'll be taking the B train.

The B comes; packed.

Because I have now used up 15 minutes of my time dealing with my mother's bullshit, I'm forced to cram myself onto the train.

There is no place to hold on. People fucking suck. I got broadsided more times than I could count. I was listening to some girl's music because her headphones overpowered mine.

Infuriated.

I try to switch trains at Rockefeller Center. Now get this, the M and F run on the same line until that stop. For WHATEVER reason, they have decided to switch tracks. The F is running on the M line, the M is running on the F line.

WHAT GODDAMN SENSE DOES THAT MAKE? Fuck you MTA.

This little switcheroo causes a lot of confusion and time delay. Add another 10 or so minutes to my trip.

I got to work at 9:15 wanting to kill my mother, a baby and a puppy. Yeah. Welcome to my motherfucking murphy's law monday.

Thank god Mo gets here on Thursday and I'm taking Friday off. I will post later about last week but I needed to get this bullshit off my chest.

Thanks for aiding in my catharsis, blog.

In which an "investigation" inspires fantasies of violence...

I was supposed to have a massage this morning. It was supposed to be for 30 minutes, at 8:30am. I left my house to arrive at 8:15am at Herald Square, where my chiropractic office is.

The B train came promptly. I got a seat. The ride was pleasant as I chuckled aloud to Bossypants in public.

We arrived at West 4th street, one stop from my destination. I was making good time.

One train conductor starts talking to the other conductor (driver) over the "intercom".

"Hey partner, did you get the message, we're bypassing 34th street." 

I stop reading.

"Partner, repeat, I did not get the message."

I take out my earbud.

"We are bypassing 34th street. [to us] Please be advised that due to an investigation at 34th Street - Herald Square, this train will be bypassing 34th street. The next stop will be 42nd Street - Bryant Park."

I get off the train.

I contemplate.

The F train is across the platform. I can skip my massage and go straight to work on the F train. I still have 15 minutes, I might be able to make it to the massage, at least an abridged one. I consider.

I miss the F train. 

The loudspeaker announces that we should take a D train to 42nd street and then transfer for the downtown train. I wait. Onto the D I get. The train conductor says to take the A C E upstairs to 34th street - Penn Station. I get off the D.

I walk up the two flights of stairs and shove myself onto a packed E train.

The E train is delayed because of train traffic ahead of it. It takes me 15 minutes to get three stops and now I am on 8th Avenue and need to be on Broadway (a mere two avenues away, but two long avenues. I have work at 9, 9:30 the latest). I get off the train. I call my chiropractor.

 

"Do you think I'll be able to make it for the massage? No? Oh, well I don't want to be so incredibly late to work and if I have to walk back to Penn Station I will be. I'll see you next Wednesday."

Thank goodness for Unlimited metrocards.

I go back downstairs and jam myself onto an even more packed E train. More train traffic. Only this time, the AC cuts off. It's sweltering. I make it to 53rd and Lex and crowd surf my way into the station, only to find that one of the escalators is not working. I am trapped on the line for the stairs. Manageable, but moving incredibly slowly...oh and it's probably one of the deeper stations in the subway system.

There seems to be no air flow. Three flights of stairs later and finally, a breeze. My lungs practically jump out of my mouth trying to get some ventilation. I maneuver my way to the 6 train, and then onto the bus. I am 5 minutes late for work, and infuriated.

I probably should've just waited for the Q that was directly behind the B train when I got on. (They actually told us it was directly behind the train we were on and to stop being assholes and holding the doors open.)

Here's the kicker. At 9:24am, they resumed service on the orange lines with residual delays. At 9:47am, the orange trains have "good service". Muthafucka...

Oh, and then the conference room projector doesn't work which is now my problem.

Friday, what did they do to you?!

Ramble ramble ramble.

Since I really have nothing interesting to say, I'm going to post my random thoughts throughout the day.

I also am very aware that I'm procrastinating on day 10 of the ten day challenge, the secrets portion. I don't really have many secrets. I'm pretty much an open book. I'll figure out what to write some day.

To follow my previous trend, I will post my random thoughts in yellow. This is mostly because yellow makes me happy, and that's what I've been lately.

I don't really do much at work these days. I mean I have big plans to do stuff, and maybe I accomplish more than I think I do...at least it looks that way. I definitely spend more time looking for blogs to read than doing anything productive actually. Or at least that's how I feel.

I'm thinking about going to nursing school. Or possibly Physician's Assistant School. In the meantime, I may go get certified as an EMT. The only thing about the EMT courses is that they're Tuesday and Thursday night. I cherish my Thursday nights. I love my Honey. Feather said we need a Honey break though, and when the weather gets cooler, I might be inclined to agree. We shall see though. My future is a blur.

I was scolded by a bus driver yesterday. He shut the door in my face and almost refused to open it. Then he told me that I was going to get myself hurt one day by doing what I did. What he was referring to was my "jaywalking in front of a bus". Mind you, I was less than two feet outside of the crosswalk, and the light was red...oh and I could clearly see he was still letting people onto the bus. Ok though mister bus driver, when you hit me with you damn bus, you're going to lose your job and a handful/shit-ton of money for the MTA. So I think maybe you're the one who's going to be hurt by doing what YOU did. Stop being grumpy just because it's raining. Asshole.

I should not be allowed on Amazon.com. EVER. I currently have 31 items on my Kindle. Only one of those was pre-loaded. I bought 5 books yesterday. One-Click purchasing will bankrupt me. Thankfully, the rain makes me want to read more, so I've been blowing through books lately. The most recent of which is Bossypants by Tina Fey. It is HILARIOUS. I don't even watch 30 Rock or most Tina Fey things (not because I don't want to, but because I just haven't), but she is brilliant and our sense of humors align. I'm pretty sure we're soulmates. (I almost wrote sole-mates, because she and I both have flat feet. See what I mean? Meant to be.)

I hate to be shallow (hate is a strong word), but I think one of my most gorgeous friends (although we're not as close as we used to be), always dates down. Her boyfriends are perpetually ugly. I guess she looks more for personality? Who does that though? I'm telling you though, this girl is stunning and her boyfriends are always...not at all. Well, except for one, but he was a complete d-hole and not worthy of her at all.

I am currently relieved because the ringleader of our traveling "group" has finally decided on the next dates for our Jamaican "reunion", and guess what...it's during my 25th birthday! I cannot wait. I have never really celebrated my adult birthdays.

Football season starts tonight, and I'm excited. Really, really excited. B is going to the Jets opener on Sunday. I'm also really, really jealous.

Before I get myself into a tizzy...again, I will refer you to THIS post. Now for the tizzy...this ENTIRE week, I mean Tuesday, Wednesday and today there has been pee on the seat every time I go to the bathroom. Every. Fucking. Time. I don't understand where some of these women were raised, but how hard is it to be considerate of the next person using the restroom? Are you trying to mark your territory? Are you just that self absorbed that you don't even bother to look down when you go to flush? Seriously, I think I know who it is...or at least who one of the culprits is. And if I'm right, this woman is a goddamn doctor. A FUCKING DOCTOR WITH NO MANNERS and NO consideration for others. I can't handle it. I'm disgusted, on a daily basis. This is inappropriate. My hand is itching to write a passive aggressive note to these unsanitary douchebags. It's going to happen. It's going to go right next to the "don't flush sanitary napkins and paper towels" sign, but trust me...it won't be as pleasant.

You know that coworker that got me riled up enough to write this post here? Well I take it all back. I think she's pretty awesome and I like her very much. It's been 8 months and the sure has grown on me. Maybe I'll even invite her out next week. She just sent me this link: Schweddy Balls

 

I'm upset that I'm wearing boots right now. It was torrential downpour this morning outside, and now, bright and fucking sunshiney day. Now don't get me wrong. I do love me some sunshine...I especially love sunshine on my toes. Mother nature, why must you toy with me so?

I love sass. Seriously, after just adding about a half dozen more bloggers to my blog roll who are self-defined as sassy, it's clear, sassy is right in line with my sense of humor and lifestyle. Sassy and snarky. Love it.

I can't turn down a free lunch, but I always end up eating too much of it. Honestly, I don't need this second half of a sandwich, but the other half was so delicious that...don't mind if I do!

I love the song Right as Rain by Adele. It reminds me of Delta, and then it makes me smile. Take a listen, I'll wait...

I really enjoy tropicana orange juice in their new snazzy plastic bottles, they just taste better.

I don't feel like writing anything else. Good day sirs and madams (mademoiselles)!

How to: A Guide to Transportation Etiquette.

By transportation I mean planes, trains and automobiles (this includes buses and other moving "vehicles" - as well as some notes on walking to these forms of transportation because that seems to be everyone's goddamn problem in this city)...

As an everyday rider of New York City's famous MTA I have come up with a few tips and REQUESTS for all of you public transportation riders out there and I will give you this tips as I explain to you what my morning commute is like each and every GLORIOUS day.

Here's a little background on commuting, and I'm not saying that this it true for every city with a public transportation system as "complex" and "popular" as the MTA, but I'm pretty sure this goes for most natives to these types of locations. First off, just because you are not from a particular city (i.e. New York City) or have not been here for very long, DOES NOT, and I repeat, DOES NOT give you free reign to walk around like a chicken with your head cutoff (i.e. eyes to the sky). I promise you, this will completely piss off the natives and who really wants to see an angry native (we've all seen those Cowboy and Indian showdowns). Part of your job as a visitor is to assimilate. You are supposed to be one with the culture you are visiting, learn their customs, their likes, their dislikes and let me tell you, there's nothing more that a native dislikes than a tourist throwing off the rhythm of the city. All of this being said, you should probably spend a little time figuring out how the city you are visiting runs.

For example, if you ever visit Times Square, which is pretty much where everyone who visits NYC will go at least once, do not stop in the middle of the sidewalk. Do not stop in the crosswalk, do not block a whole corner with your gaggle of guests. Step to the side folks. If you would pay attention a little bit to your surroundings (and this does not mean gawking up and the big buildings and lights) you would probably notice that the city has a heartbeat and that we are all like little blood cells swimming through its veins. When you stop, especially with your group, you are creating a clot and this backs up the whole system and can cause major complications. So think about that next time you and your clan decide it's a good idea to block the blood stream - especially within such a major artery like 42nd Street.

Ideally, and lots of people don't seem to know this, but the rule is "Stand Right, Walk Left". Now I know this doesn't necessarily work when you have two way traffic, but generally the inside lane is where the speed walkers are, and the outside is where the meandering masses frolic (you will find the occasional person who is so fed up with the blockage of foot traffic that they will choose to walk curbside in order to avoid the stop and go of people who obviously didn't learn how to walk correctly as children - I am often one of these). This "Stand Right, Walk Left" concept is incredibly important when it comes to escalators. I swear, a million bouts of frustration could be avoided if people followed this rule. This allows the lazies to linger on the right and those in a desperate rush (which we are in 85% of the time) to zoom up and down the escalator with ease. Now pay attention folks, this is really important. Just because you are with another person riding the escalator, does NOT mean you should stand side by side. For those approximately two minutes when you are on the escalator, you can stand behind your friend, lover, child...etc, but I repeat, DO NOT stand side by side. You're jamming up that vein again and one day someone's going to have a coronary because you couldn't be courteous enough to follow protocol. One last thing for the ladies, if you have a purse that will impinge on the left side walker's movement, please hold the damn thing with your right hand. I can't tell you how many purses I've had to compete with. (NOTE: this protocol should be followed with staircases and moving sidewalks as well)

Speaking of staircases, I am blessed with the amazing fortune of having to get off the 6 train during morning rush hour at 68th Street - Hunter College. Now for any of you who have gotten off of the train at this stop in the morning, you will understand how poorly organized the station is. There are four exits and generally a line to get out at each of the staircases during the morning commute. Now I understand that people need to get into the station and want to get down to the train, but have you ever seen video herds of animals crossing the Savannah during the migratory months? Well that's what the stairwells are like at Hunter College. Animals, in a hurry and a herd, slowly ascending two staircases in waves of train arrivals. During the five minutes it takes for a train to let out its passengers, those of you who are trying to get TO the train, stand aside. Don't try to push your way down the goddamn stairs when you have a hundred people trying to push their way up. I promise you, another 6 train will arrive shortly and you will have a small window of opportunity to get down the stairs and catch that train. You will not get down the stairs any faster by going against the grain, you just piss people the fuck off. Q and B train riders, same goes for your asses. When I get off the train at Church Avenue on my way home with the other hundred people getting off the train, and we're all herding up the stairs to get out of the station, don't try to come down the stairs, just don't do it...This is not a Nike commercial!

Here's another thing about those exit stairways at Hunter College. I truly believe that during rush hour the big staircases should not be considered "entrances". The staircase already creates a bottleneck that hundreds of people have to funnel down to single file, why would you try and cram yourself down those particular stairs when you can clearly see how many people are trying to get up the stairs - I just don't understand some people.

Now that we've talked about getting on and off trains, let's talk about what to do once we're on the public transportation.

Here are my tips for making your ride on the iron horse/bus more pleasant for everyone:
- Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze. There are enough germs in the air and I swear if some of your saliva comes flying at me because you couldn't cover your mouth/nose, something might come flying at you with five fingers.

- If there are a lot of people on the train, take your bag off of your shoulder and either hold it down at your side, or if it's a larger bag - put it on the floor, placing a foot on either side of said bag for stability, space conservation and safety. Do not hit me with your bag, or anyone for that matter, because you are too lazy to remove it from your back for the duration of the commute.

- Do not hog the pole, everyone should be able to hold onto whatever pole is most comfortable for them.Why are you leaning on the pole when people clearly need to hold on to stop from being flung all over the place?

- Give up your seat for elderly, pregnant women and children. The children thing is really important, because you don't want these rugrats running all over the place wreaking havoc when their parents can contain them quite easily by restricting them to one sitting area. I will get to controlling your children later in this entry.

- If you happen to get a seat, please move as far in one direction as you can. If your body doesn't physically need two seats, don't take them!

- Don't deposit garbage on the train, they have something called trash receptacles for a reason - your TRASH goes in them, not on the floor of the train.

- If you are a train sleeper, please make sure you're not one of those people who leans on your neighbor. I've thrown a lot of elbows in my day because some people are just not meant to sleep on trains. I'm sorry if you're sleepy, learn how to control your body or don't sit next to me. Snorers - this kind of goes for you too. If you know you're a fucking rumble machine, don't sleep on my train!

- If you step on someone's foot, apologize. This can go really badly if you do not.

- Keep your music to yourself. No one wants to hear your music but you. If I can hear what you're listening to across the train, you're listening too loudly or your headphones are garbage and as I mentioned before there are TRASH RECEPTACLES for a reason. Also, you should probably get your hearing checked, because you're going to be deaf by the time you're 30 at this rate.

- If you're going to have a conversation with the person next to you, I don't need to hear it, unless you really want me to. If you really want me to, then keep talking as loud as possible and I will surely throw my two cents in.

- Don't block the doors. This means, moving as far into the train as possible when you get on. Just move in. I don't care if you're getting off at the next stop or 20 stops from now, I PROMISE you will be able to get off of the train. I have never, in my 24 years of living in this city, seen someone miss their stop getting off the train because no one would let them off. We want you off of the train as much as you want off of the train, why would we hinder you from giving us more space? I swear, my biggest train pet peeve is those completely obstinate assholes that like to play "guard the door" and don't even move when the doors open. I understand if you want to lean against the door, it's more comfortable than free floating in the middle of the train, but god-fucking-dammit, move out of the fucking way when the doors open. Let people on and off of the train, this is how public transportation works people. People need to be transported from point A to point B, and why should they have to battle your inconsiderate ass, just to get in the door for which they paid to get on.

There's actually more to this one because this goes the same for riding the bus. Move onto the bus, people. Pack yourselves in like sardines if you have to, but don't just hover around the door. I mean really, we're just going to sit here until everyone squishes in anyway, so might as well get a head start and get on there as best as you can because there's going to be that one day when all you want to do is get on the damn bus, but some pigheaded dickhole in the back of the bus decided either not to sit down or to take up more standing room than is necessary and that bus driver is going to close the doors on your ass because the bus can't move with passengers in front of that stupid white line. Karma is a bitch - remember that.

-Thrusting yourself onto a packed train is just ridiculous - there will be another one behind it. If you are unlucky enough to ever have to take a train that gets completely packed (i.e. and of the green trains during rush hours) you should know how frequently these trains come. We've all had to let 1 or 2 trains pass before we can get on at some point in our lives, but for those of you who haven't, you're probably one of those idiots who literally flings themselves onto the train. If the door cannot close with you inside of it, wait for the next train. If you have to put your hands on strangers' shoulders and propel yourself forward into a jumping motion at the precise moment that the doors are closing, wait for the next train. If you think you're skinny enough to squeeze into a paper this space between 6 people and a large metal door, you're not, wait for the next train. It's not the end of the world people, another train will come if you let this one get out of the station.

- This one is for the men - I don't give a flying fuck how big your nuts are or how big you think your dick is, you do NOT need to sit spread eagle on the train. Your sack just doesn't need the type of space that you must thing it does. Now I'm not saying to cross your legs, and I'm not saying your knees can't be apart to allow for more comfort, but if your knees are farther apart than your hips, then we have a problem sir. Close your shit up. Just like you don't want a woman with her legs open and possibly stinky pussy all out there for the world, we don't want to have to maneuver around your goddamn ego which has obviously caused your balls to expand in some unfathomable and physically impossible way. Learn some consideration, be a gentleman.

-If you are not feeling well, get off the fucking train. If I hear one more "Due to a sick passenger..." message, I'm going to flip out. I've been sick on a train before, and I've almost had to get off myself, but goddamn it - I'll be damned if I throw off the whole rhythm of the city because I was the asshole that didn't get off the train. Who the hell do you think you are when you do that? There are VERY few circumstances where I can see something instantaneously coming over a person causing them to be so sick that they would delay the train.

- Lastly, deodorize before you get on public transportation. There is nothing worse than being trapped in a small space with lingering funk. This doesn't necessarily mean that you need to shower IMMEDIATELY before getting on the train - although that would be nice; and this doesn't mean that you need to DRENCH yourself in perfume or cologne, but please please please put on some good deodorant (some people need stronger stuff than others and this is perfectly fine, just use what you need). If your pit is going to be in my face and all I can smell are onions, and dirty feet - we have a problem.

The following is a special message for all of those parents out there: Control your children. Screaming and crying in public places are unacceptable. Figure out how to shut your kid up and keep them quiet for the duration of their ride. If this means that you need to have a quiet conversation with them or otherwise figure out how to keep them preoccupied, please do it. Don't ignore your crying/screaming child on the train. I don't care if you're trying to Ferberize your child and teach them self-soothing, or if you're trying not to spoil them or give in to whatever they're screaming and crying about but give the fuck in for the sake of the people around you. You can do all of the teaching of lessons on your own time, not mine. If your child is an animal and cannot be contained - consider a different form of transportation or stay home. Please and thank you.

This control is amplified even more when you're flying somewhere with your child. Now I don't know what makes you parents crazy enough to travel with obnoxious children, but let me just tell you how much this upsets the people that have the "pleasure" of traveling with you and your young one. Drug them, feed them, give them a movie to watch, but don't let your child scream bloody murder on a plane, or run up and down the aisles because you didn't get them tired enough in the airport to nap. Don't let them kick the back of my seat and please cover their little mouths before their coughs infect the recirculating air. All of these suggestions go for movie theaters as well people. As soon as your child starts making noises above a whisper or jumping around like a little hooligan, it is time to take them out. I don't care how much you paid for them to get into the movie, I don't care how badly you want to see the movie, your child should be your priority - so contain them. Also, stop taking your sleeping children to adult movies because you couldn't find a babysitter and you think they'll sleep through it. They won't. Rent it in a few months, buy a bootleg in a few days, stream it tomorrow, but do not bring your infant/toddler to a movie that is not appropriate for them. In fact, infants and toddlers shouldn't be going to the movies anyway. Take them to the fucking playground.

And for my final wrap up, as a driver of an automobile and also a frequent pedestrian - there are certain rules of engagement here too. If you are not already crossing the street when the light turns green, don't do it. I promise my car will do more damage to you than you will to it. I may end up in a very bad situation because of it, but I had the right of way (unless you're from one of those ridiculous places that the pedestrian always has the right of way). Do not think that putting your hand up in a "stop" gesture will stop me. What you should be doing is putting your hands together in the "prayer" gesture and hope to god that my car's brakes are working well and that I plan on stopping for you.

Basically, I'm asking you to be considerate when traveling with others, because one day someone's going to have a mental break over this stuff and it's going to be bad for everyone...Expect a "Due to an earlier incident..." message.