Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Pre-Quarter Life Crisis

I prefer to keep this blog light and airy because that's how I like to keep my life, but right now, I'm just not in a good place.

I hate to admit it, especially because I can't pinpoint the exact reason for this "misery", but it's not good. Perhaps my Seasonal Affective situation is back. It was never clearly diagnosed, but it was always suspected. I don't want to blame it on the weather though because I can't change the weather.

I've been feeling very alone lately.

It's hard to say, but that's the case. When B moves to Detroit shortly after our return to Jamaica, I fear that once again my few outings of refuge a month will dissipate and I will not only have no one to "hang out with" in NYC, but I will also have no one to party with. This is honestly something I cannot afford. It freaks me out. I just don't know enough people anymore. I didn't really keep in touch with anyone from high school or college. I talk to one person from when I was in Chicago (Mo) on a regular basis. I talk to the Canadians a few times a week, but guess what we're talking about (Jamaica). I speak to B throughout the week, but not as frequently as before. I talk to the Mexican almost every day (of the work week), but he's a social butterfly and always has something going on.

So essentially, I'm alone. Mo is probably the only one I talk to about anything serious anymore.

I have no one that I can just call up and say "hey, you want to grab a bite to eat, or a drink or something and just talk?"

This entry is making me really upset. I'm driving myself nuts. I'm overthinking everything, I'm alienating myself and making poor decisions. I have no motivation for anything. I'm just in a bad place.

I got mugged on Friday. Well I don't know if you can call it mugged because to my knowledge there was no weapon. I had gone out with B to celebrate T and V's birthday (again). The club was in Spanish Harlem. At the end of the night, the cabbie wouldn't let everyone going back to Brooklyn in the cab (B was supposed to come back with me), so I ended up getting out of the cab to make sure B was ok with going back to the Bronx, and I wanted to catch up with the cab the BK people were in...well I guess the cabbie booked it and I was too far behind them. As I'm figuring this out, some guy out of nowhere comes running up behind me, grabs my camera and wristlet off of my wrist and keeps running. So now I'm moneyless, metrocardless, IDless...I check my pockets and thankfully I have my housekeys and cell phone in my pocket. B's phone dies before I can meet up with her and some random guy tries to "console" me by keeping his hand on my ass while I try to figure out what to do.

The MTA was also doing it's bullshit this weekend, so I ended up begging to get on the train, and having to take the N all the way out to Coney Island and get the Q going back to my house. I got home at 7:30am.

I went to the DMV this morning to get a replacement license, I had to buy a new camera (so all of the pictures from the night were lost, yet again), I had to buy a new metrocard this morning because my unlimited was stolen...it was just not good.

I had a terrible hangover when I got my hair done on Saturday afternoon - a haircut which cost me over $200 which is more than it usually is. I'm seriously out of money, especially since I have to keep replacing stolen/lost stuff.

I did NOTHING the rest of the weekend. I watched football, got depressed because the Packers played like trash and the Giants whooped them.

Messed things up with EPT because I was feeling really emotional and made a stupid comment that I guess made him uncomfortable because he said something along the lines of "How did we get to this point?" I blew up at JBike because I can't handle his excuses anymore and his depression is bringing me even further down.

I'm in crisis mode and near tears all the time, especially right now.

I can't fix this.

I booked my pre-op surgery appointment for my birthday because I don't want to celebrate. I'm turning 25 in the midst of misery.

I hate that this whole post comes off like some whiny pathetic mess. It makes me physically ill to be acting this way.

I'm sorry.


B said...

Why should you be sorry? Life is shitty, and sometimes those moments hit when you least expect it. Do not be sorry, be proactive. Get out of the house, talk a walk do SOMETHING other than sit. Sitting and stewing only makes your problems worse. Trust me, I moved to a nice place after living in the same spot for years and I have virtually no friends where I live. It really isn't good to isolate yourself when you're already depressed.

That's the best advice I can give you. I'm sorrry you're going through these problems.

Lorraine said...

I was just going to say that there is no reason to be sorry. We have all been there at this point, where we feel like we can't fix something, and yes, it sucks.

I wish I could fix it.


KG said...

Thanks ladies.

B said...

aww that sucks. My birthday blew last year, but its partly because I made it that way. I really think you should reconsider doing that, even if you spend your b day with just family. I'm sorry that you are going to miss B. I think that sometimes when you are having a meltdown or going through a dark period, sometimes its good to just experience it, and let yourself feel whatever it is that you are going through at that moment.But you have to not let it overwhelm you or drag you down too deep. Sorry about all crappy things going on right now. I hope we can talk if you need too!

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