Neglected like a red headed step child (sorry for my social life)

Sorry about that blog-followers.

I've been really delinquent lately, probably because my life has erupted into glory. Well, that might be a lie, but I'm pretty darn busy. Not only am I relatively busy at work (with grants, which I hate - but take up a good portion of time), but my social life is currently exhausting as shit.

B and I still aren't speaking, and while I thought this would be particularly devastating, it hasn't been. In fact, I kind of feel a little bit better. I'm finally taking control of my life. I feel like I was always trying to live in B's shadow. There are so many things about her personality and life that I was envious of. She has a large group of friends, everyone loves her, etc...but over the past week I've realized more and more that that's not really me. It has never been me. While I want people to love me, and I want a lot of friends, how I lived my life for the first three quarters of it, make that impossible. I don't have the core friends from growing up that she does. I don't have the big family that's tight knit, in fact I don't know the last time I had a conversation with a family member other than my mom or dad. I think I'm finally becoming content in this. I have friends, I have options, I'm ready to define myself as something other than one of B's best friends. It's been cathartic getting out from under her shadow.

Another thing I've realized more lately, is that I ask things of people, I have to offer a solution. I think I was wrong to tell B that it bothered me she was still talking to Ni, but I didn't offer her any other options. I also realized that there was obviously a larger issue brewing underneath the surface, or someone as insignificant as Ni would not have been able to rip this hole in the fabric of mine and B's friendship. For now, I'm content to keep my distance, at least until September. Then again, maybe this stand off will last a little longer, because I don't feel like I NEED her, like I felt before. Since Wednesday I've been happier than I've been in a long time, and I plan to keep it this way.

Now onto a less serious note. VWR will now be joining Feather (this is what we're going to call Nyeg from now on, because it felt wrong not to give her a nickname) and I. On Thursday of last week, the Mexican and I met VWR to get our nails done. Turns out we missed out appointment last week and thus parted ways. I went with VWR to get a pedicure down by her apartment and then we walked over to Honey, after a 20 minute unfruitful Marshall's adventure. We had a lot of fun sitting outside drinking and waiting for Feather. She had to go though, against her will, because she had made other plans. Feather was there by that time with her two friends. One whose birthday I went to a few months ago at Marquee and blacked out at. Love that girl though. We danced and had a great time. They won't give me individual drinks there anymore, and from now on I will be drinking out of a carafe. I mean they'll obviously give us cups...but as on Thursday, I will probably drink straight out of the carafe.

These actions caused me yet again to have an EPIC hangover on Friday, and I didn't go to work. It was brilliant not doing anything. I was supposed to go to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings with some old acquaintances from The Possibility Project, but the torrential downpour kind of put a downer on my plans. Instead I got ready, thought about going and ran into OhD. He told me that his friend and someone that I had hooked up with who never called (turns out he used to ask about me all the time), was killed. I was really sad about this. OhD and I decided to drink a bit in my kitchen. Mostly the coronas from my trunk. His friend Franz, who I met before, and is missing a few brain cells, came over later and brought a fifth of Smirinoff. I was forced to partake. We basically hung out until about 4:30am when OhD decided to crash on my couch...as per usual.

I was talking to Terron, and he decided he was coming over, so I had to wait up for him until 5:30am. I swear I knocked out within a half hour of him getting to my house. We laid in bed and were all cuddly on Saturday until about 6pm when he left. I was supposed to go with Nyeg out to dance. She went to a cookout and although she invited me, it was way up in the BX and since B and I are not talking, I would've had no where to stay up there if I decided to drink. We were still going to go out, and she told me she would hit me up at around 10. Her phone died, I heard from her at midnight. She was still at the cookout, and I had made other plans. At around 11 I decided I was going to see my friend JBike. He had stopped by my house a few weeks ago with his friend Vybz Jr. (VJ) and said that he was going to be hanging out at VJ's and I was welcome to come over. So I trekked out to Canarsie (in my car with brand new tires and brake pads that make me happy). We basically drank and they smoked all night. Their other friend was there and he was a touch creepy, and played with my hair, and his accent and deep voice made it very hard to decipher what he was trying to say...other than that he was hitting on me.

VJ started giving me an impromptu foot massage at one point, and all three of them complimented my sandals. By the way, I love foot massages. It went on for hours. We were watching Dancehall videos because VJ is I SWEAR Vybz Kartel's biggest Haitian fan, ever. Anyway, at around 4:30am, I told them all I was leaving at 5. 5 rolled around and decided to stay. I was sleepy, and they pressured me to just crash there. VJ passed out at the foot of the bed and JBike and I were in bed joking around and being stupid. The other friend had left because he had work in the AM. So JBike definitely tried to put the moves on me, but I wasn't the most receptive to the advances at first. And even when I gave in and we went at it, my body was not thrilled. He was drunk, I was sleepy, mechanically it was not working well...so after much unnecessary friction, we stopped and went to sleep. Both unsatisfied, but I was not upset about that. Mind you, VJ was still passed out at the foot of the bed.

A few hours later, JBike wakes up and starts messing with me again. He steals my pants. Seriously, I'm the worst play fighter, I lose EVERY time. Anyway, I was feeling some pain from earlier, because chafing is no bueno. So I was not really interested so much in getting it on again. So I was laying in the bed in my panties and shirt and being an ass, basically curling up into the fetal position and laughing. Here's where the story gets a little odd. VJ wakes up at this point and starts giving me another foot massage, and kind of feels up my leg.

I was a bit caught offguard and kept laugh and shaking my head. Then, their Jamaican friend called and said he was coming over and going to bring Pizza, which he didn't. I said I was about to leave, but JBike said that he was going to get the Pizza. I don't turn down free food, so I said I would wait.

It was super relaxing, I was well fed and I was happy. After more dancehall listening and VJ and the Jamaican sang along to Vybz for hours and I lazed around the bed and drunk bear, VJ went to drive the Jamaican friend home and JBike put the moves on me again. This time, success. Both of us got what we were looking for. When VJ returned, JBike said he was going to go home and shower. I said I was going to leave. He said he was going to bring back food. Again, I stayed.

When JBike left, VJ put the moves on me. As I'm telling him this is a bad bad bad bad idea, and why didn't it bother him that I had had sex with his friend, he kept telling me he liked me more and that was between me and JBike. I chuckled and shook my head and yet he pursued. Persistent mother, let me tell you. I committed a pretty ho-ish act that day, but whatever. The whole act was completely different. The shapes and sizes were completely different. Their demeanors were completely different. They knew about each other. I was being THAT girl, and I just didn't care.

JBike came back and we were watching a movie. I snuggled with VJ the entire movie. It should've been awkward, but it wasn't. I finally went home that night and washed all of the weed smell and dirty off of me. Glorious shower.

Woke up on Monday morning with texts from both of them saying that it was a great weekend, they were happy I came to hang out and that I'm invited any time. I talk to them every day now. VJ is totally into me. JBike is much more of just a fun time.

Monday after work I was pretty happy to just go home. I didn't want to do anything, I was sleepy and just wanted to watch TV. So I went home.

What I didn't mention is that on Sunday at some point, Delta had sent me a text message which I ignored.

Being in such a fantastic mood on Monday (seriously, best mood in a long time), when Delta texted again and I was just hanging out in bed, I responded. There were a few messages exchanged about him missing me a lot and he wanted another chance and all of this garbage. Also, if I was willing, he would like to see me. I agreed because nothing could ruin my mood.

He came over.  

We stood awkwardly on my porch. We talked about a lot of different things. I cried. A lot. Not like boohoo, but seeping out of the eyes uncontrollably. He still doesn't get it. He understands that he was selfish. He understands that he should've told me about his daughter, and it was a huge mistake to keep that from me. He was saying that he didn't want to open up to me because he didn't know where we were headed and that kids often deterred people from relationships. Whatever. He brought up the one time we actually WENT OUT, to a lounge, with B and this guy Charles. I cried a lot more at this point, because that's all I ever wanted. I wanted to go out and do things with him and have him be reliable and trustworthy. He said he wanted that too. We only touched once, when he took my hands. I quickly pulled them away. I said something to the effect that yes it upset me that he lied about a big thing like having a kid, and then I asked him if he wanted to know why I was really upset though.

He didn't respond. He didn't immediately say yes. He didn't say yes at all. This man who wanted to try and make things better, didn't even want to know why I was upset in the first place.

I slammed the door in his face. (or tried to, the wood has been swollen because of the humidity and I had to throw myself against the door to get inside. It was not glamorous, nor did I get the awesome SLAM effect, but it did the trick)


A half hour later, he texted me. He told me he loved me. The first time he told me he loved me was when I was upset and closed the door in his face again. I told him that it was cruel. He didn't see it that way. I stopped responding...take a look at a few of these gems. Mind you, he types like a retard, and in the accent he speaks in.

 

 

I was still oddly in a good mood. I don't know what I'm going to do about him. I just don't know.

Yesterday was pretty awesome too. I double booked the afternoon because I'm smooth like that. This guy that I met online wanted to meet for coffee. I don't drink coffee and I haven't been to Max Brenner's in years, so that is where we went. I had delicious dark hot chocolate with banana. We were both hungry, so I got an awesome steak panini. He was definitely not my type. Nice guy, but it's not going to happen again. He paid, which was sweet, even though I offered to pay my half.

Amazing view, I didn't take this picture but it's even better at night.

I went to DSW and considered buying boat shoes while I waited for the other guy to come pick me up. This guy, I've known for over a year and he's asked me out a few times, but it never really came together so I kind of wrote it off. This time I agreed. He was better looking than I remembered. We drove to downtown Brooklyn and walked on the Brooklyn Heights Promenade, which was my first time ever doing that. We had good conversation and we definitely clicked to some degree. It was really nice, and GORGEOUS out.

Then we walked to the movie theater and saw Crazy, Stupid, Love, which I thought was brilliant. We both really liked it, and we were kind of playing around in the theater...mostly fighting over the armrest like teenagers. We held hands walking back to the car. It kind of happened weirdly, but it was nice. He drove me home.

Now I'm super fucking sleepy at work, but I'm about to go eat amazing steak and be a happy panda.