Friday, June 17, 2011

Rain, trains and drunken brains.

You know what happens in NYC when it rains? It smells. Not like oh I just farted and that rank smell will dissipate soon, no. This is a lingering stench that is so malodorously offensive that your eyes begin to water and you want to cry for your mommy because she's the only one magical enough to make it all go away.

Speaking of offensive, there's a bitch on this train with me that is so hideously dressed/put together that my eyes are offended and she should get a ticket for her shitty fashion sense. To give you a hint as to what she looks like, imagine an OH MY GOD THERE'S A RAT IN HER SHIRT. I am not kidding everyone. This girl has an albino fucking labrat hanging out in her bra and peeking out of her shit. Woah, revision - this is a naked rat. It's hairless y'all and she's paying it no mind. So again, imagine an oompa loompa of sorts. Taller sort of, but still with green hair. That's correct, she has grass/lime green hair with bleach blond/yellow bangs. And it looks dirty. While she is not a "little person" she is still chunky around the middle and everywhere else. Her clothing only enhances this fact. She is wearing see through hot pink ankle cut leggings, which is hardly containing her flubber, but at least she had the decency to wear modest shorts over the see through leggings...oh wait. She is wear short short black cotton shorts. And you know when you have big enough thighs that they rub together? You know what that does to short shorts, right? You got it, they are forming the crotch pointing arrow (aka they are riding up on both sides in the middle). They are also dirty and dotted with little brown dirt specks. but wait, there's more. She is wearing a white mostly see through wifebeater, again with a rat exploring around in there and a tiny mesh construction vest that you couldn't close with a staple gun. Throw in some black and blue jordans, and a red sixers hat and you have what's sitting across from me.

Addendum, I lied, the rat is not naked, it's just incredibly pink, like she made it that way on purpose (dyed it). And it's crawling up her and making annoying noises. Now it's in her hair. Oh and she has snake bite and monroe piercings. Not a pretty girl...and guess what? I took a picture. Yup! Look at this gem.

I didn't get a picture of her boyfriend who would be just to the girl it the yellows' left

Never a dull moment NYC. (PS. I wanna kill her friend sitting next to her. He's playing guitar hero on that laptop, with the volume bllllasting and dickhead standing next to him - not pictured - just decided to play music aloud on his phone to compete)

And now we return to what my Thursday and so far my Friday has been.

Yesterday was mostly exhausting, but in a good way. After work the Mexican and I went with another friend to get our biweekly manicure at Dashing Diva, where Thursdays and Fridays after 5pm you get a free Cosmo that is brilliantly made. So we got a little sloshed at the nail salon.

We made our way to Grand Central and on the way there was this glorious specimen of a man, but he didn't smile at all, so I didn't feel comfortable saying anything to him. All you need to know is that at lunch today the Mexican and I talked about the unicorn that that man was. I would really like a piece, but at least I have new fantasy material.

When we arrived we parted ways. I went walking around to kill time. Inhaled a few dumplings and made my way to Bath and Body Works. I met up with B and Sister and spent money on things that I didn't really need (what's new?). B and I then went to Strawberry to get her an outfit to wear to the Honey Lounge. With something new to wear in tow, we made our way down to Union Square where I argued with a retard on the train because he wanted directions and couldn't handle both B and I telling him what he needed to do. Seriously, he was actually "slow".

You'll be proud of me folks, I used my gym membership this month. I paid $74 this month for B to be able to change her clothing somewhere and for a place for me to pee. Thank you New York Sports Club.

At NYSC I texted Chris who was already at Honey to see if she could order us drinks before Happy Hour was over. When we arrived, 4 drinks were waiting for us. Yummy yum martinis. I ordered 4 more drinks before happy hour ended 15 minutes later. I drank the first 3-4 really damn quick and got a niiice buzz. I danced, harassed the Senegalese bathroom attendant that I usually harass and enjoyed myself. Senegalese guy tried to lie to me about his age though, he said he was 25 but was born in September of 1987. Stupid. B left pretty early and then Chris and I didn't leave long after that. We were on our way home before midnight.

I inhaled two slices of pizza drunkenly and ran into B! So we frolicked to the train together and my train was there when we got to the station! The MTA has been kind for the past few days. I'm sure tonight my luck will change. I didn't get a seat though and was standing in the middle of the train holding onto two of the bars to keep myself from spinning or getting nauseous in any way. I kept it classy.

Got home, decided to be dirty as shit and just go to bed. I meant to get a BC to come over but I fell asleep on my phone and missed that opportunity. Was woken up by the torrential downpour at 3am. I'm talking sky opening up, God smiting, need to locate Noah and his Ark before we get washed away type rain. I went to work late and then stayed way more than late. Now I'm procrastinating taking a shower before I go to Marquee - story of my life.

See you on Monday, folks.


Little Miss Me said...

Haha love it! I'm impressed at your balance after a night out! I would have been on the floor, I fall over on moving transport even when I'm sober and an old lady has once offered me her seat as she thought it would be "safer for everyone"

Also is green hair, a rat in your boobs and bright pink leggings no longer fashionable? Damn!...why did no one tell me...

Not who I will be said...

I don't really fall when I drink. I drop a lot of stuff though, but there have been times when my balance was incredibly compromised and it probably would've been safer if I sat down.

I guess you must've missed the memo.

B said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
B said...

I definitely have had my moments being tipsy on the train lol. Seriously that chick was a hot fucking mess, where the hell does these people come from?

Mrs. Pickle said...

She had a boyfriend with her? I would like to think she is still a virgin and that someone does not actually fuck her. It makes me a bit ill to think about.

Not who I will be said...

@Pickle, I only assume it was her boyfriend because he laid his head on her shoulder and put his hand on her thigh. I gagged a little bit. I hate to say this, but I wonder if the rat is somehow involved in their sexual exploits. If so, I'm calling animal control IMMEDIATELY.

I sometimes like when I see good looking couples, or a debonair guy and his classic beauty girlfriend because I like to imagine them doing dirty things to each other that completely violate the personas that they're trying to emulate. Along the same lines, I like to see couples a bit mad at each other because I know that the angry sex later is going to be epic, and hopefully very Ashley Judd/Olivier Martinez in "Unfaithful"-esque.

Lily said...

I used to work at Bath & Body Works. Our job was to make people spend money on things they don't need. ;)

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