Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Blood and sparkles

This is what I have on my face. I just ripped a bit of skin from the corner of my thumb nail and for whatever reason I touched my face leaving a nice little blood spot, mixed with the runaway sparkle from my eyeliner. I'm looking classy today, let me tell you.

So I've decided that I might touch on some random topics that have piqued my interest over the past week or so. I mean, I could tell you about the boat ride I went to on Saturday - and maybe I will, but honestly I had the most relaxing/boring weekend of my life and it was entirely what I needed/wanted. Therefore, prepare for some rantings and ravings with some appreciation slipped in.

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This post just got hijacked by my need to FLIP THE FUCK OUT. Seriously, the Graduate Medical Education (GME) office here at my job is really fucking absurd. If they make me pull one of my new fellows off service for the next week, they'd better be ready to cover him their damn selves. We all left early on Friday, but you don't fucking leave when there are still things to be taken care of. If I send you an urgent email at 10:35am concerning actual URGENT topics, then you better damn well respond to my email before you leave for the holiday weekend.

I swear to God, I will not take this bullshit laying down; nor will I put my people on administrative time out because you couldn't get your shit together. Just wait until you come back from lunch Janey, you WILL hear my mouth - and so will the rest of the goddamn office if you don't get this shit taken care of. All for a medication reconciliation course?

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

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And now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

I went to Bloomingdales for the first time on Friday. It was an...interesting experience. By interesting I mean "potentially expensive". I didn't buy anything however, but while I was there I noticed something that really creeps me out. Mannequins in sunglasses. That's right, I hate them. One thing that helps to confirm that mannequins are not alive are their lack of eyes. With sunglasses, you're covering up the confirmation, and that shit is scary. Maybe I've been watching to alien or robot TV shows/movies, but seriously - everywhere I turned was another of these things in sunglasses. I might or might not have removed a few of them and placed them on the shelves next to the mannequin with a sigh of relief.

I'm a binge drinker. I prefer to drink a lot, and rapidly, as opposed to sipping. This has resulted in a few too many blackout experiences to be healthy. Also, when I first smell vodka, my stomach churns and my skin crawls. This doesn't stop me from drinking, I'm just saying. This is important though, because hand sanitizer, being mostly ethanol, also has the same effect on my body. I work at a hospital (sort of) and there are hand sanitizer dispensers everywhere. I can't help if I'm so inclined to sanitize every time I pass one, but without fail, upon first squirt - gag. (yes, I know how that sounds) Seriously though, I don't know if I should give up sanitizer, or vodka. Something tells me that sanitizer will soon be out. My stomach can't handle it.

Speaking of drinking. If you're a public vomitter - I have one thing to ask you, please don't vomit on the goddamn stairs. There are SO MANY other places where you can safely deposit the contents of your stomach. If you throw up on the steps, one of two (or both) things will happen. Someone will slip and they will curse your name in every language they know with every curse word they can think of. Karma will get you, I guarantee it. Or two, people will be highly irritated from having to maneuver around your mess, so please be kind and vomit into a garbage bin. In fact, the stench might even help you get that valsalva maneuver started.

These people scare me a little...
Here's another group of people who should avoid public walking areas...people who don't know how to push strollers. If you A., push your child into the crosswalk whilst the light is not in your favor and you are safely standing on the curb, you are a bad parent. If you are a caretaker, grandparent, parent, whoever the fuck you are who is pushing the stroller down the street, this is NOT bumper cars. Do not hit me, other strollers or other individuals with your stroller. Also, please please please do not walk slowly in front of me with your other stroller pushing buddies because it's really hard to get around you AND your little child "vehicle".

Lastly, another source of frustration for me lately has been the fact that my friends cannot decide where and when to go on vacation. I was banking on going to Canada at the end of July, but that's a no-go, so now what? I mean I could still go. Yes, there will be some people there, but dammit a few key people who I tend to require for these types of vacation will not be there.

I would really like to convince Mo to come, but she seems set against it. B can't leave the country and Paris might still be injured. Honestly, if I don't plan a vacation in the next month I'm going to freak out. I know this might make me seem like a spoiled brat considering I just got back from Bermuda a month ago - but I'm getting stir crazy folks. I need to get away from the monotony of my life! An impromptu Chicago trip might be just what I need.

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So here's the recap of my Saturday night.I don't know if I mentioned B and I had a bit of a misunderstanding on Thursday and so I didn't know if we were ok for Saturday, but whatever I messaged her anyway because I needed the details. I also woke up at 8am on Saturday because my dad agreed to let the roofers do construction every day starting at 8am, right outside of my window. Thanks, dad. My mom thinks he's an idiot, I just wanted to cry and sleep. I actually had to text my mom and ask her to come into my room so she could walk pants over to me so I could get out of bed to pee.

I ended up going to her house around 9pm I think? I had to drop money off with Ni for this trip in August...oh wait, I guess I am going on vacation...whatever though. Anyway, so I was driving all over the Bronx because that's pretty much what I do. I got to B's and we started to get ready. I was wearing a tiny white dress that my mom  made me feel bad about wearing. Whatever ma, my cooch was covered (if I didn't bend over) and I was wearing fishnets to contain my cellulite. I'm 24 years old, get over it - I'm allowed to dress like a ho if I want to!

Anyway, so we got ready and started taking shots. Brought our obligatory water bottle of vodka with us. I wish it had been stronger - but I underestimated how much Absolut 100 was left in the trunk of my car. I thought I had two bottles, I didn't. I was sad.

B's cousin came to pick us up and drove us down to the pier where we would get on the boat. Thank god, because if I took too long of a stride my dress was going to ride up, so the less walking, the better. I was also coming in at just over 6 feet tall because I was wearing 4 inch heels? Yikes.

Basically the boat ride was a ton of fun. The vodka didn't last the whole night and I ended up buying two long islands at $14 a pop (RIDICULOUS). Everyone (mostly) looked wonderful. Trust me - there were more ho-ey ladies than just me. At least I looked KIND OF classy. I did harass the DJ, which is what I tend to do when I drink. Hey - people ask me to request songs and I do it. I also straddled a man who was spanking me non-chalantly at one point. I don't remember what made me get up, I probably realized wtf I was doing. I'm happy for him though, because I believe he found a lady to take him home at the end of the night.

We got back to B's and I was sober - and so I drove home to see Steel Pans! Well, actually I just kind of left the door open for him and fell asleep naked. It works best this way. I think our arrangement is fine. He left at some point on Sunday. I actually fell asleep before him which is a first. We were pretend cutesy in the morning. My mom also decided that she wanted to get mad about me having company. She does that sometimes - because I guess she didn't think I was home so she walked up to the shower on the third floor naked and what if Steel Pans had walked out? Whatever ma, I never remember to put the post-it on the mirror - this is what happens when your boomerang child is home. Must get used to it, must.

P.S. My legs have been sore for days thanks to my heels. I have weak thighs :(

4 comments:

Monica said...

I know the whole Canada thing was a bust but You have to come to Chicago, like now, and I am going to come see you and B!!

Maxwell said...

Even more terrifying than a mannequin being alive is a mannequin becoming Kim Cattrall.

Not who I will be said...

Mo, B isn't free until September.

@Maxwell, that movie definitely was...interesting

B said...

your dress is cute! parents somethings just need to keep thier opinions to themselves! Esp when you see some of the skanky things other people wear out!

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