Indifference is nothing different

I think I take a lot for granted. I mean, I know that I'm a lucky person. I have a pretty good job, a handful of good friends, everything else I could possibly need or honestly want, but I still have this blah feeling most of the time.

I'm going to California tomorrow. I know I should be excited and part of me is. I'm going to spend 5 days with the Mexican and his family. I haven't been to Cali since my cousin's Bat Mitzvah god knows how long ago. I'm pretty sure it was 2008/2009 though because I'm almost positive I flew in from Chicago. Yup, spring of 2009.

Anyway, I'm all packed, and I managed not to overpack because I was not going to pay $25 for my bag to be checked each way, and it's California. Worst case scenario, I buy a new outfit. There are worse things.

 

I'm a bit stressed about the presents situation though. My parents and I haven't celebrated a holiday since I was about 13. Well, a holiday other than Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a special exception because we love food, and my mom's a great chef. Basically, we don't celebrate the gift giving holidays. Every once in a while we'll buy birthday gifts, but those are few and far between and take a few months to get. Last gift I got my mom was this glass bead making class. Last gift I got my dad was a bike. It took me 6 months to get the camera I asked for from my dad, but it was worth it. I'm still waiting on my mother's gift from this past year. Oh well.

So basically I'm faced with this whole gift giving situation in California. I've never met the Mexican's parents. I got his mom some Blue Mountain Coffee from Jamaica, and I think that I'm just going to give him money towards his dad's present. Also, I think I'll give his sister a gift card, but I don't know where to, yet. I didn't get him anything. Here's to hoping he didn't get me anything.

Playboy told me he got me a small present. I told him he didn't have to and asked him what he wanted, because I would feel guilty if I didn't get him anything and he got me something. He said boots or a phone. WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK I AM? We don't even have conversations. I don't even like him that much, and he's obviously a player. I told him I thought he was crazy and that he didn't need to give me anything. Our "friendship" has been not so consistent ever since.

I've seen most of my BCs this week actually. I saw JBike, Steel Pans and HWizard.

I've realized that I have very little emotion towards anyone these days. It's pretty sad.

I went to Merry Courtmas on Saturday to celebrate my old college roommate's birthday. I've missed it every year so I figured I'd would at least spend a little time there. Drove up to Westchester, spent an hour and then headed down to meet B in the Bronx. We went to HK. I had fun, it was expensive, but still, I need to dance. I mean, I really needed to dance. Very few pictures were taken.

I didn't go to a holiday party on Sunday because I got incredibly lazy. That's been the story of my life lately. I've been choosing my bed over a lot.

B and I went to see the Possibility Project's Foster Care play on Wednesday, and it was good. It's always kind of weird going back there because that's how B and I met 10 years ago. It's always good to see everyone though. I really need to call some people and make plans to see them in the new year. B and I went back to my house after the play and drank Sangria. I got pretty drunk. Playboy came over and yet again nothing happened. One of us has to get more aggressive or this whole situation isn't going to work. I felt like TRASH the next morning though, and some of that night. I'm so classy. B and I did however discuss what happened back in August and everything is finally on the table. I cried, a lot. Again, classy. Thanks wine.

Thursday there were a bunch of holiday parties at work and I ate until I was ready to explode. I've been doing that a lot lately. I have big plans to really get my eating under control in the new year, but I'm not kidding myself about the holiday season. I've already had 4 chocolates and a cookie today. I feel sick but keep on keepin' on.

I wish I could talk more about how blah I've been feeling lately, but I really don't feel connected with anyone these days. I mean there's Mo, and I talk to B sometimes, but I'm just very much...eh.

I need to figure out my New Years plans. Hopefully I start to feel differently while I'm in California.

Catch ya next week folks. Have a happy holiday.