Murphy was right

I'm not doing any better. In fact, I may be doing worse.

It never fails, does it? When you're as low as you think you can go, the floor drops out from below you.

Seriously, something that happened a YEAR ago, has to come back NOW? I wasn't already overwhelmed?

Oh hey, let's throw a cold into the mix because I can obviously feel more sorry for myself when I'm under the weather. I'm under a lot right now.

I don't feel well in any way, shape or form. Physically, emotionally, mentally damaged/drained.

Pre-Quarter Life Crisis

I prefer to keep this blog light and airy because that's how I like to keep my life, but right now, I'm just not in a good place.

I hate to admit it, especially because I can't pinpoint the exact reason for this "misery", but it's not good. Perhaps my Seasonal Affective situation is back. It was never clearly diagnosed, but it was always suspected. I don't want to blame it on the weather though because I can't change the weather.

I've been feeling very alone lately.

It's hard to say, but that's the case. When B moves to Detroit shortly after our return to Jamaica, I fear that once again my few outings of refuge a month will dissipate and I will not only have no one to "hang out with" in NYC, but I will also have no one to party with. This is honestly something I cannot afford. It freaks me out. I just don't know enough people anymore. I didn't really keep in touch with anyone from high school or college. I talk to one person from when I was in Chicago (Mo) on a regular basis. I talk to the Canadians a few times a week, but guess what we're talking about (Jamaica). I speak to B throughout the week, but not as frequently as before. I talk to the Mexican almost every day (of the work week), but he's a social butterfly and always has something going on.

So essentially, I'm alone. Mo is probably the only one I talk to about anything serious anymore.

I have no one that I can just call up and say "hey, you want to grab a bite to eat, or a drink or something and just talk?"

This entry is making me really upset. I'm driving myself nuts. I'm overthinking everything, I'm alienating myself and making poor decisions. I have no motivation for anything. I'm just in a bad place.

I got mugged on Friday. Well I don't know if you can call it mugged because to my knowledge there was no weapon. I had gone out with B to celebrate T and V's birthday (again). The club was in Spanish Harlem. At the end of the night, the cabbie wouldn't let everyone going back to Brooklyn in the cab (B was supposed to come back with me), so I ended up getting out of the cab to make sure B was ok with going back to the Bronx, and I wanted to catch up with the cab the BK people were in...well I guess the cabbie booked it and I was too far behind them. As I'm figuring this out, some guy out of nowhere comes running up behind me, grabs my camera and wristlet off of my wrist and keeps running. So now I'm moneyless, metrocardless, IDless...I check my pockets and thankfully I have my housekeys and cell phone in my pocket. B's phone dies before I can meet up with her and some random guy tries to "console" me by keeping his hand on my ass while I try to figure out what to do.

The MTA was also doing it's bullshit this weekend, so I ended up begging to get on the train, and having to take the N all the way out to Coney Island and get the Q going back to my house. I got home at 7:30am.

I went to the DMV this morning to get a replacement license, I had to buy a new camera (so all of the pictures from the night were lost, yet again), I had to buy a new metrocard this morning because my unlimited was stolen...it was just not good.

I had a terrible hangover when I got my hair done on Saturday afternoon - a haircut which cost me over $200 which is more than it usually is. I'm seriously out of money, especially since I have to keep replacing stolen/lost stuff.

I did NOTHING the rest of the weekend. I watched football, got depressed because the Packers played like trash and the Giants whooped them.

Messed things up with EPT because I was feeling really emotional and made a stupid comment that I guess made him uncomfortable because he said something along the lines of "How did we get to this point?" I blew up at JBike because I can't handle his excuses anymore and his depression is bringing me even further down.

I'm in crisis mode and near tears all the time, especially right now.

I can't fix this.

I booked my pre-op surgery appointment for my birthday because I don't want to celebrate. I'm turning 25 in the midst of misery.

I hate that this whole post comes off like some whiny pathetic mess. It makes me physically ill to be acting this way.

I'm sorry.

Sequins and handbags

I went on a shopping spree yesterday because Express was having a sale, and I can't turn down a good sale, an inkling of a desire for something, nor can I make color choices.

I bought 10 sequined tank tops. That's right. 10.

I have a problem.

To top off my shopping spree, I went to DSW because I had at ~$75 gift card (it was actually from returning some previous items - so it wasn't any money that I hadn't already spent). Instead of just getting the one black bag that I had wanted, I ended up with a red one as well. Because I have no self control, and I cannot make color choices (as previously stated).

Yesterday cost me $320, all of which went on credit because I'm currently nearing "broke".

This is because my $3000 surgeon check cleared the same day my $1000 credit card payment from my trip to Sacramento/Jamaica processed. It hurt.

Needless to say, I'm feeling a little light in the pocket. Hopefully B will give me a bit of the money she owes me, Steel Pans will give me the money he owes me (by my birthday) and maybe my paycheck won't look like the government was wearing a black ski mask when they decided to take out my taxes.

I'm also running low on vacation days, and considering I have many unplanned vacations lined up in my head, this is probably not the happiest thing that could happen. I'm considering combining Florida (to visit fam - I'm talking to my cousin right now whom I haven't spoken to really in about 3 years, since both of his kids were born) and Atlanta (to visit ATL) into one trip, which seems doable. I don't know WHEN though. Isn't that always the question?

Last night I went to a meetup dinner. I was not drinking, and therefore I was not incredibly social, although I tried. I feel like I was the only one asking questions. The girls were all quite nice (the three I got to talk to), but there wasn't that instant friend connection. I guess you don't always have that. We'll see if I actually form real friendships with these people.

I could give more detail about the dinner, but that's all I really have.

I've so far completed 12 days of the 30 day shred. My diet is going. I don't hate my life JUST yet, but I'm also not REALLY seeing results. Probably because I half ass the workouts. I have no upper body strength and it often feels like someone is stabbing daggers into my upper thighs when I do squats, but whatever.

I'm hungry. I've been fucking up at work a lot lately because I spend 7 hours doing nothing and then the 1 hour I do spend doing work, I'm not focused, so little mistakes keep occurring.


Basically, life it blah right now.

Oh and to top it off, the feelings I have for EPT and the lack of reciprocation is making me sick to my stomach.

Fuck chemistry (organic, inorganic, and otherwise!)

The return of the desperate

Do you ever wish that some people never came back into your life? Do you ever feel bad about wishing that?

That is the state that I'm in right now. I've decided to name the guy from my last "entry" EPT. Error Proof Testing, or his initial and Personal Trainer. Either way, EPT it is.

I really don't post blogs enough, because I probably should've told this story 2-3 days ago, but I guess the story didn't change and I feel some kind of way about it now.

So here's the thing with EPT, we still have chemistry. We have an absurd amount, and it feels comfortable with him. On Saturday, we were supposed to have dinner or something in the city. He got out of work late and asked if we could just hang out at his house with his family later in the evening and have a few drinks. I was fine with that, minus the fact that he asked me this after I had already gotten ready and I was feeling really good because I smelled delicious from my shower and I didn't want to lay in my bed and revert to bedhead. I managed to keep it together for 4 hours.

He doesn't live far from me, so I figured I'd drive, especially because the MTA was being a royal pain in the ass again (and will continue to be so for the rest of the month!).

I figured that any drinking that would be done could be undone with enough water before I got behind the wheel of my car. I don't drink and drive, y'all.

When 8pm rolled around I texted to ask if I should bring anything. Chips, salsa and OJ were my list. I start driving towards his house, driving down the avenue by my house to my neighborhood bodega to get all of my items. Someone takes the only parking spot on the block so rather than block traffic or a bus stop, I decide to go to another bodega around the corner. Driving, driving...there's nowhere to park. I pull to the side, put on my hazards and make a mad dash for the store in hopes that no one comes down the block and can't get around my car. I get into the bodega where as some of my neighborhood residents would call the "habibis" are cursing young hoodlums under their breath over gum. I don't know what exactly was the issue, I was in a hurry. I see the OJ, check! I ask if they have salsa. NOPE. After basically climbing over items all over the floor, I put the OJ back because I don't want to make multiple purchases.

I run out of the store, defeated, running late, and with a car stopped behind mine. I still don't know if it was stopped at the red light or because it couldn't get by, but I quickly got in my car and drove back around the corner to my friendly neighborhood bodega. I put my hazards on while I was in the bus stop. Risque.

I got the OJ and some spinach dip (because that was an alternative to salsa which guess what, they didn't have either). AHA! Health food store is right next door! I made my dip and OJ purchase (I actually brought chips from home) and made another mad dash for the health food store. They only have the classy organic salsas, so I got medium chipotle and made my way to the check out after being misdirected by a worker. Slowest check out lady ever.

I made it back to my car with no ticket (honestly, so many people "stand" in that bus stop and so much other shizz is going down at all times, there really aren't tickets given for that. I did see a metermaid in the healthfood store though, and I was determined to beat her out of the store. Check and mate.)

So I drove to EPT's house. I think I was semi retarded because there was this big spot right in front of his house but I just couldn't right hand parallel park at the moment (maybe I was nervous). I parked on the left hand side between two cars and right behind a speed bump as opposed to between a car and a driveway. Don't ask me why I was so retarded, it just happened.

EPT answered the door, and took the goodies bag. We hugged, but I was a step down from his doorstep, so it was awkward and I tried to step up whilst hugging him and I tripped and as I tried to catch myself, I tripped again. I actually said "well that was awkward" and then we had a proper hug inside. I missed his hugs. A lot. Too much.

We watched the football game and drank vodka and I met his brother and his sister. His sister and I got along really well and he went to go smoke and we chatted and I invited her out this Friday because she's 21. We were having a good ol' time. I met his mom too.

He was being really, really nice. He was kissing my forehead and touching my leg and just saying nice stuff about me. We called ATL and left him a message. Everything was copacetic .

At about 11:30, as I was pouring my 3rd cup of screwdriver, EPT mentioned that at midnight he would be going to bed because they had to be up early to go to Woodbury Commons. What he was essentially saying was that it was time for me to go at 12. I made mention that I could hang out with his sister (since I had been doing a lot of that already), and he basically said I was his guest and he wouldn't feel right leaving me with her, and as her responsibility. So I asked for a cup of water, switched what I was drinking and got a little bitter. I took two sips and said "Fine, then walk me to the door."

He tried to ask me if I understood. I told him I did. I don't even remember hugging goodbye. I was not in good spirits.

I sat in my car, decided that I wasn't tipsy, drunk, whatever, I was just irritated and I took off. 10 minutes later I was home safely. I at a piece of leftover KFC chicken and half a biscuit. I got to my room. Laid down. Had the spins. Threw up my midnight snack.

I'm glad I got home when I did, because if I had waited for the alcohol to hit me, I would've been sobering up in my car for a while.

He called the next day to apologize for things ending so sour and promised he would see me this week.

He's the worst at responding to texts.

The reason I opened this post with musings of wishing someone didn't come back into your life and then talking about EPT, is because, sometimes I wish he didn't. It took almost 2 years for him to respond to my handful of facebook messages. He doesn't respond well to texts, and I don't like phone calls very much. Basically, he's going to break my heart because I like him. I think about him, and I hate it. I feel pathetic and desperate and hopeless.

Basically, I'm torn between being happy to have him back in my life and being upset because he's not actually back in my life.

Fuck men.

On a side note, I was thinking in the shower last night about a few things, but mainly what I would do if I got into a relationship. What I mean by that, is what I would I do with Steel Pans. We've been BCing for over 2 years now, could I give that up? God, I hope so. I like him as a person though. He makes me laugh.

Also, I should probably post about my parents at some point. They're driving each other crazy (sometimes) and I don't know how to fix it, or if I can.

Sometimes I think that Pandora feels guilty and repentant.

Every time I thumbs down a song, Pandora compensates by playing about 15 in a row that I've thumbs-ed up. I would pat Pandora on its little head and tell it that I'm not mad just stop playing shit you know I don't like, if it had a head. I like hearing new songs though, so just playing the ones with the thumbs up limits my music sometimes. I guess I just can't win.

That being said, I've been "winning" lately. My diet is going...well it's been ok. Last night was my division's holiday party so there was a bunch of free booze consumed and some buffet action, but I didn't eat beyond what I needed to make me full. Although the Mexican and I pretty much stalked the walking appetizers. One of the labs in the division totally camped out by the kitchen door to clear out the appetizer plates before they could make it out to the floor, but we were crafty and maneuvered out way in.

The best part about last night, however, was that everyone danced the night away. Some people got schwasted, and some people made fools of themselves, and everyone enjoyed themselves.

God I love my job environment sometimes.

When we were leaving the Mexican and I stopped at Mickey D's so he could get some nuggets. We got into some kind of fake screaming argument. It was pretty hilarious. We were both pretty drunk from downing a shit ton of vodka RIGHT before we left.

I sobered up enough to read on the train on the way home, and almost cried because Sarah's Key has been pushing me NEAR tears most times I read it. When I got home, I felt motivated. I worked out. That's right. I drunkenly did jumping jacks and other random crap from Jillian Michael's 30 day shred, all while attempting not to completely dehydrate or fall over.

I succeeded, but I guzzled an exorbitant amount of water and had to hold onto numerous pieces of furniture in my room whilst trying to stretch out my quads. Great success, and this guy who may be my future personal trainer was impressed by my dedication. (Little does he know, that was only day 3 of dedication, and the weekend is the real test).

Speaking of this guy. Let's give him a nickname. First, a backstory.

So when I was growing up, I spent a lot of time with my neighbor. Her nickname would be easy to give, if I ever talked about her anymore. It would be "the User", because that's what she was good at. I could probably also call her "Succubus" but she was able to sap the resources out of ANYTHING/ANYONE so that may not be as appropriate, because it was never sexual with her and I. It was, however, sexual with many a male "suitor". I guess she gave a great blowy and was otherwise phenomenal in the sack, so they say. Additionally, she was hilarious as shit, which is why I stuck around. Oh, and she was the social butterfly queen (for a while).

She at one point dated this guy that we can call ATL. ATL was best friends with the guy who this whole back story is about. After the User and ATL "broke up", and I got tired of being used, ATL and I would hang out. B and the other guy would come over and we would play drinking games and blah blah blah. This guy was kind of a lightweight, but when we would get tipsy we got sosososo flirty. And this was when I was super duper fat, so obviously there was chemistry beyond appearance.

I went away to college, ATL moved to...well ATL and I lost touch with the guy. I stayed in sporadic touch with ATL, so when he and I became friends on facebook, I asked about the guy. I friend-ed him and months later he actually responded to my inquiry into his well being.

A few weeks ago, he hit me up. We sent a few holiday messages, and decided it would be cool to meet up. So we are. We're meeting up tomorrow for dinner or drinks, or whatever the hell we're doing. I don't know. He's a personal trainer now. His body has always been ridiculous and he has great teeth and dimples. I haven't seen him in over 8 years though. He hasn't seen me since I lost the weight, only the pictures. It should be an interesting experience folks.

Maybe I'll name him after the weekend.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Or so Bob Marley (via my iPod AND Pandora) keep telling me, I won't and I will.

I'm going to blog today (if the fact that you're reading this wasn't already an indicator). It will not be the piece of shit that yesterday's post was. I just wanted to remind you all, and confirm that I am in fact, still alive. Maybe a little more boring, but still alive.

So let's talk about New Years. I had big plans for New Years Eve. I was going to write this huge "letter to 2011". It was somewhat of a thank you, somewhat of a goodbye, somewhat of a FUCK YOU, letter. It never got written. I was writing it in my head on my way home from work on the 30th. That's where it stayed, in my noggin. Maybe by the end of this entry I will feel inspired and have the urge to reflect on the debacle that was my 25th year of life. Maybe I will write the entry as that 25th year ends and I go to celebrate my 25th birthday.

Speaking of 25th birthday celebrations. As of 10:33am, B and I are going to Jamaica to celebrate. The flight is booked, and I'm still trying to figure out where we will be staying, but there are always options, it's about appealing to my inner Jew and getting the cheapest accommodations that I can.

I remember back to the time when I cared how clean and glorious a hotel was. Now, I'm ok with staying in a cheap little shit hole that has a working bathroom and somewhere mostly clean for me to sleep, as long as the price is right.

My my, how times have changed.

In the name of change, I am on a diet. Mostly just trying not to eat more than about 300 calories before dinner so that I can actually eat a meal that I will enjoy without feeling completely guilty. Oh and Jillian Michaels is kicking my ass at night.

Two days in, so far, so good. By good, I mean, I'm hungry and my muscles hurt; and I have to pee every 20 minutes because of all the water I'm drinking to try and suppress the hunger. It's going to take a lot not to eat free lunch at work today. I could really go for a piece of lasagne, but tonight is my job's holiday party so I'm already going to "cheat" so fuck it. I can wait until next Thursday if I really want a piece of damn lasagne.

My stomach just gurgled. Bastard.

I lost my mojo. Sorry y'all. You'll have to wait to hear all about T's bday celebrations, my stomach virus, NYE and how I've lost my mind.

"In the year 2012, I'll be a better blogger"

Or at least I thought this might happen.

Looks like it won't.

Maybe tomorrow.