Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Letting Go and Decision Making - or a lack there of.

For anyone who knows me, they know two major things about me that I seem incapable of doing; letting go and making decisions.

I'm going to go about this a completely syntactically incorrect way in that I will start with what I said last and backtrack to what I said first.

Decision making:
When I was a little kid, this is all I would do. I would make decisions for myself, my family and my friends. I would decide I wanted what you had and then I would take it, and you really couldn't say anything about it. I decided what I wasn't going to partake in, and I would sit on the sidelines. I basically chose, with quite ease, the path that my life would take. How I got to this point of indecision however, I'm not sure.

Let's rewind a little to when I stopped being so bullheaded but also stopped making real decisions.

I was 13, I had just started high school, my mother and I were on the brink of killing each other (literally, she didn't think one of us would make it through the year alive - and I just KNEW that it would be her), I hated my school and regretted every second that I was too lazy in 8th grade to get the hell out, and I didn't have any real friends (which I didn't actually realize at the time - I was quite the loner).

Please note that at this point I did both things of which I am now capable of doing: I made a decision to change, and I let go of who I was. I want to attribute the beginning of my metamorphosis into passivity to the appearance City at Peace (now the Possibility Project) in my life. When you think about it, it's kind of ironic because City at Peace (CAP) was all about community ACTION and CHANGE, and I was pretty much against changing myself.

In the way that I start doing anything in my life (by having things fall in my lap) I found City at Peace, or...they found me. I was a highly coveted private school student that could round out their wide demographic and diversity of participants in the program. I was somewhat "involved" in the arts - although I was taking a backseat to my life, so perhaps the arts were more "involved" with me. After being coerced to audition and months of tug-of-war between my laziness vs. my need to experience something new, I decided that CAP was something I could be involved with.

Let's just say this was one of the best decisions of my life because I ended up meeting my future best friend who has altered my life in ways I can't even explain - trust me, an entry will come about her (especially when I get into the story telling and less of a background on who I am).

 I can honestly say that after I chose to commit to CAP (difficult for a commitment-a-phobe), I didn't make a real decision again until I decided to leave Chicago - one of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my life and one of the most painful ones as well. Things happen for a reason though, right?

I think one of the reasons that I stopped making decisions is because it became more important for me to be liked by the people around me. I started doing things just to get approval - because who doesn't seek approval? I did a lot of things in high school that would not make my parents proud, all in the name of being cool and having something to talk about. I will get into some of these stories as well because this was the beginning of my drinking days and those are always hilarious. I will probably say things about that time of my life that certain people, if they read this, will be upset to hear, but I've "decided" that this blog is going to be cathartic and I will lay everything out on the table (using my 20/20 objective hindsight). 

To sum up, I became who I thought other people wanted to be around and lost myself in the process - thus making it impossible for me to make a decision about pretty much anything. I mean I hardly even decided which college to go to for godssake. I definitely didn't choose the grad school to go to, but that all worked out halfway decently in the end.

I've been lucky in my life that things have just sort of worked out. At some point, everything falls into place, with limited effort exerted by yours truly.

These days, I like to call myself "go with the flow" because if I didn't go with the flow then I would damn well stagnate and not go anywhere. I can pretty much be convinced to do anything, for better or worse. Please don't leave decisions up to me, because the only thing I factor in is my laziness these days. How much will this affect my ability to lounge around my house and not exert any energy? I try to balance this out with how much fun I could have - but laziness usually trumps, which is just a bummer. Don't ask me to decide where to go to dinner, because I will eat anything. Don't ask me what movie I want to see, because I'll watch anything. Don't ask me what I want to do, because I'll do anything. That's "go with the flow" and not just "indecisive to the extreme", right?

Letting go:
The only thing I can let go of are material things. I surely cannot let go of people and situations. I swear that I dwell on everything (I'm still regretting not going to Virginia with B two weekends ago). Maybe this attributes to my inability to make a decision as well; I'm just always afraid of making the wrong one or lettering the wrong one go.

I spent three of my teenage years catering to the every whim of a particular person - we can call her "N" and while she is still extremely unappreciative for everything I gave her, I made the decision to do these things so I'm trying not to complain about them. Plus, it's been 7 years, I can't be bitter for that long, can I?


I think spending so much time burying yourself underneath someone else makes it easy to cling on to people and not let go. Honestly, you start to believe that these people are what define you. And, although at some point you feel like you're smothering the shit out of them, you just don't know how to be without them and this is bad news bears. I've always subscribed to the "you can't be happy with someone until you're happy with yourself" and although I can't quite say that I'm unhappy, I also cannot say I am "myself". I'm still looking for who I am (which feels like a wild goose chase), but in the mean time I feel like I'm hoarding people in the process.

Typical girl, that's what I am. I like the people who show no interest in me, and I get bored of the people who are really into me. I think being fat inhibited my ability to develop self confidence in that I spent so much time vying for attention (mostly male attention) and trying to get guys to like me in spite of my fatness, that I lowered all of my standards and kind of took whatever was offered to me - here are some of those bad decisions and epic stories coming up again...Unfortunately, now that I am literally half the size that I was, I still have these ideas in my head, because believe it or not, it's harder to trim the excess brain fat than it is to trim the excess body fat. I may not actively believe that I should take whatever I can get, but underneath it all, I passively believe it - and passively is how I function. I can still be convinced to do anything.

Whisper sweet nothings in my ears, make me promises all the while stabbing me in the back and robbing me blind;  I will still turn a blind eye and give you another chance. This has GOT to change.

There are enough strong women in my life that I really need to look to for an example of how to get my act together. I basically need a by myself meeting; I just need to tell myself over and over that I'm worth it, that I don't deserve to be treated the way I often am...that it's OK to let go.

We'll see how that goes.

In the meantime...let me tell you about someone I will call Delta that I can't seem to let go of.

It all started back in 2009 when I moved back to New York. I met this guy (isn't that how most stories start). In the beginning it was all peaches and cream (isn't it always). We were cute. I would go visit him and he would cook lunch and we would hang out and all of that delicious stuff. He was the first and only guy I actually brought around my friends and felt comfortable doing so, we even went out and danced! This "honeymoon period" was short lived. He soon disappeared. This is not uncommon - I'm used to this Houdini shit that some guys like to pull, but months later who comes a-callin'? That's right: Delta. Odd, right? I didn't really know why he disappeared in the first place, but OK, he's back and things are back to being honkey dorey again right? WRONG.

There is nothing more in the world that I hate more than a lack of accountability. What's so hard about following the cardinal rule: DON'T SAY IT IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT. I don't need to be fed bullshit in order to continue speaking with you. I'm extremely low maintenance, there's no need to lie to me or lead me on. It just doesn't make sense to me. If you say you're going to be somewhere at a certain time, be there. You have a 30 minute acceptable late window without a phone call/message saying you're running late - anything beyond that is unacceptable and just plain rude.

Well folks, Delta is as dense as lead because this boy does not understand the concept of accountability. I told him time and time again - "I don't give a flying fuck if you come over, just don't say you're coming and then not show up and not tell me that you're not coming." I am one of those overly considerate people who when you say "I'll be there at 7pm" and I agree to that time, I will be where I said I was going to be and I will not make other plans. This folks is what we in the bizz refer to as ACCOUNTA-FUCKING-BILITY.

All of this being said, in January after having missed my birthday and not showing up after my surgery like he said he would (the only guy that I wanted to see within a week of my surgery) - I finally let go. Let me tell you, this was no small feat. I deleted his number off of everything I had it on. I didn't respond to messages, etc...I went to go delete him off of my facebook at some point in late February when I realized that he was still my "friend" and what did I stumble upon? Baby shower pictures. That's right. So, being the slight stalker I am, and not being great at this letting go concept, I perused through the baby shower album figuring it was the baby shower of one of his brothers.

My suspicions were not confirmed. The last thing in the world that expected to be true, was. In 2008, this man had a daughter. Yup. Delta has a kid. Now mind you, this wouldn't normally be a problem. Yes, I prefer to be with men without children because I like to pretend that in the future we might work out and that we could start a family together (and that second family thing, doesn't fly too well with my imaginary future) - but it's ok to have kids. Most guys in their mid-to-late 20s do, especially the kind that I seem to like. The problem is, Delta told me he didn't have kids. He used to "joke" about getting me pregnant - NOT A FUNNY JOKE, mind you...but I laughed it off. Again, never in a million years would I have expected to him to be a dad already. How can I be sure those pictures were from his baby shower you ask? Well there was a picture of the cake with his and his BM's name on it. I'm pretty sure that confirms it. I was flabberghasted.

Fast-forward to March. I lost my phone after an amazing trip to South Beach (which I will talk about in a later entry) and he called. Being that I didn't have any number saved on my new phone, I answered. Silly me. First thing I asked was "how's your daughter?" I know this is kind of rude to start a conversation with, but I was really curious why he wouldn't have told me about the kid. Welp, he still didn't. Denied that shit up and down. I hung up the phone - lying is unnecessary, especially when you're already caught.

After all of this - somehow I'm still humoring him and will probably see him later today when he comes to pick up his hat from my house. I just can't let go, especially of people that I  used to care about.

This is my life. Stuck perpetually with my bad decisions and the bad decisions of others. But as I always say "The worst decisions make the best memories."

All quotes from:

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