A lot to talk about...

Tomorrow I will have time to update you on my recent vacation to Jamaica. It's not something I'll soon forget for better or for worse. Here's a list of what I lost and what I gained there.

Gained:

• A possibly fractured finger and three cuts
• A million bruises
• Three great friends
• More Jamaican "friends"
• Memories up the wazoo

Lost:

• Dignity
• Cell phone (well it was stolen and might be recovered)
• Some respect for a few people

Trust me, you'll hear more about all of it tomorrow. Ridiculous!

I thought vacations were supposed to relieve stress

I'm being selfish, and slightly freaking out.

At 2:20am, tomorrow morning, I will be on a flight going to Kingston, Jamaica. There I will take a cab into New Kingston, get on a bus at 9:30am and arrive in Ocho Rios just before noon.

My friend Kim was supposed to come with her friend to pick me up from the bus stop. We are sharing a hotel room, she's been there for 10 days already. There are a lot of other people there too, including her sister (whom I have met once), but other than that...no one I know.

I got a call this morning from the ring leader of my Chicago/Canadian group of friends (and the organizer of all things Jamaica), telling me that Kim...is in the hospital. She had surgery yesterday, and they are only releasing her today for the wedding, but she will be going back to the hospital tomorrow.

She broke her hand in Jamaica. She fell off the back of a pick up truck. 

I'm freaking out a little bit. I was already nervous about taking this whole thing on by myself, but now my only lifeline has sunk herself. This makes me selfish. I obviously care what's going on with Kim, but I'm also worried about myself.

I currently have something like the flu. Turns out those hives from Saturday, are just part of the viral infection that my body is currently fostering.

I spent some of last night curled in fetal position on the floor of my bathroom after vomiting up my life. Yes, I laid in bed with a bit of vomit in my hair before I took a shower because I was that miserable.

I managed to finish packing though, and made it to my job by 8am this morning, just to find out that the maintenance man didn't arrive until 8:30. I'm in desperate need of meds. I'm "praying" that this congestion doesn't get worse before I get on the plane, or I'm in for a really really shitty night/morning.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that I will be in Jamaica at this time tomorrow; the boulder blocking that light is that I actually have to make it there in one piece. I wish I wasn't going to get ripped on in the cabs. I wish that everything would not be falling apart.

I wish I had more money in my bank account, but I lent JBike $860. I wish that Steel Pans' phone didn't get cut off, because it freaked me out into thinking that yet again I wouldn't get my money back.

My stomach hurts. My face hurts (with a really good red dot in the middle of my right cheek). I just want a nap. I don't want to be here.

I want to be coddled (and I never want to be coddled). I'm being a baby. A baby that better grow the fuck up in the next 12 or so hours, because that's when I'll be heading the the airport to take on Jamaica by myself.

Cross your fingers for me. For what, I don't know. Just cross them.

My wings are getting tired

Social butterfly wings that is.


After Thursday, I wasn't planning on going out on Friday. I feel like weekends have become my rest days. It's sad, and I feel like a grandma, but I really enjoy sleep.

Anyway, this guy who I went out with once...let's call him Gym Teacher, invited me out Friday night. Sure, I might've mentioned I could possibly make Friday work, but I wasn't expecting him to. However, I agreed.

We went to this place called Tonic in Midtown East/Murray Hill...whatever. I was drinking on the train. Leftovers from Honey, so that was good. I got there and I wasn't really feeling anything (the Long Island had become watered down). He bought me drinks though, and I drank...a lot. Well, maybe not a lot. I did get a little irritated at this guy who was basically leaning on my back. The Gym Teacher (GT) thought it was pretty funny because I was getting a little huffy, so he pulled me away from the bar where we were standing to calm me down.

A few funny things happened. One, we watched this white girl and black guy dance and it was HILARIOUS. She had less rhythm than me. Honestly, I'm pretty good at "dubbing". Yeah, that's right, I can grind like...a mortar and pestle? Anyway, this girl was so off beat it was pretty hilarious. Secondly, the men's bathroom didn't have a lock on it, but it was just a single person bathroom, so while GT was peeing, two other guys walked into the bathroom. They were so quick! I didn't have time to stop them...so I just laughed.

Pretty much we danced until 4am, made out a lot and then he drove me home. I'm always impressed with my ability to give directions when drunk...because I was DEFINITELY drunk.

Saturday, I was supposed to go out for Heels' birthday. I actually got in the shower to get ready. B was going to come too, but she wasn't feeling well. Then, whilst showering, I discovered I had hives. Well, that's what my mom said they were. I've never had an allergic reaction to anything before...well not really, and I hadn't had anything new recently, so I had no idea what was going on. Also, it was completely isolated to my breasts (under my bra area- which could've explained it...if I had been wearing one at all that day) and a few little dots on my belly. Said hives, plus my train being a complete douchebag this weekend again, combined with having to wake up at 8:30am, kept me home.

Great sleep. Hivey boobs. What a Saturday.

Sunday I woke up early to go meet my cousin in the city. I haven't seen her since last Thanksgiving and I was excited to talk to her. Honestly, every time I hang out with my mom's side of the family, it makes me realize that maybe my family isn't a complete disaster (then I check facebook and read all about my dad's side and the reminder wavers a little). We had a great brunch and I dropped her off at the subway. Hopefully we'll keep in touch more. I think we're both at points in our lives where our relationship could be great!

Afterward, I went to go pick up the guy I had gone to Indian food and La Caverna with last weekend. Let's give him a name...Compas, because that's what he likes to listen to the best. I picked him up and we went to go to IHOP so he could get something to eat, because the Mexican and his boy were supposed to be coming 30 minutes later. I finally found parking, we walked over to IHOP and it was packed. Then I got a message from the Mexican and they arrived early. We went back to the car, scooped them up and headed up to Hopewell Junction, NY - to Fishkill Farms. We wanted to go physically apple picking, but it's late in the season, so instead we got apple cider donuts and hot apple cider at an orchard. We sat on the back porch, overlooking the pretty scenery and ate and drank our treats.

The Mexican with his hot apple cider

I shopped. I got pumpkins and apples and produce and honey vinegar and it was just glorious.

We went to Cracker Barrel afterward, which was pretty much the reason the Mexican wanted to go apple picking in the first place...because there are none of them in NYC. (By the way, both Compas and I are geniuses according to the peg game.)

Peg game - I'm a genius

The car rides were not bad. I mean, other than being an hour and change each way. We all chatted on the way up there and sang along to some music. The Mexican and his boy napped on the way back and Compas and I held hands and chatted on the way back. It was actually really sweet. He was great the whole day. He was just the right level of affectionate, hugging me sometimes and kissing the top of my head/cheek.

I came home and roasted my acorn squash, toasted the pepitas, and cooked collard greens that I bought at Fishkill and watched TV until I passed out.

Toasted pepitas!

I'm a really lucky girl.

Except of course for the fact that I haven't heard from Steel Pans in over a week. Money ruins everything.

And then he wanted to be little spoon...

That's right, HE wanted to be LITTLE spoon.

Hell to the fucking no! I will not be made to seem gargantuan and the man in this situation. You want me to wrap my arms around YOUR back. Who the fuck do you think you are?

Phew. All of that being said, let me recap my evening for you.

After manicures with the Mexican, we went downtown to this shitty bar named "Nowhere". That's right. We went NOWHERE. The bartender was a sweetie though, and it was a gay bar, so who was I to complain really? I was just there to kill time with the Mexican before his other friends got there and I could make my way to Honey.

Writings on the wall of the restroom at Nowhere Bar.

We got pretty schnocked within the first 30 minutes. It was glorious. I was starving. I couldn't even finish my last drink. I missed the bus by 10 seconds and ended up walking from 1st to 8th Avenue. For those of you who don't know, avenues in NYC are long. There is a drastic different between "blocks" and "avenues". 10 blocks is not a lot. 10 avenues makes my shin splints ache just thinking about it.

I was moving quickly though, because I was drunk...and even if I wasn't ACTUALLY moving quickly, it felt that way. I wanted a taco. Badly.

The taco truck took 20 minutes. I almost shit a brick and punched a Mexican. Not THE Mexican, A Mexican.

I met up with Feathers and Heels at Honey. I have pictures. I also forgot my camera at home, so they mean nothing to you right now. This crazy guy who semi stalks all of us sometimes was going to by me a drink, but D was refusing to serve him because he's a little nutty. I eventually walked away. The drink was not worth it.

The rest of the night was pretty standard, no weird run ins with Abdul at the bathroom...although he propositioned me again. I insulted his stamina though. He might not be so happy about that. Oh and I saw the boy that I desperately have a crush on, who is 20 years old and I gave at least three drinks to. He is looking even better than usual these days. Goddamn cradle robbing. 

I pretty much RAN to the train station at a quarter to 12 because at 12am my train was going to start running in sections, and we all know how much that makes me hate my life.

Guess which classy lady made it to the last Q train going all the way to Coney Island? YUP! I made it, guys. It was glorious. I was on cloud nine. It was fluffy.

When I got to my block I met up with this guy who I've had terrible sex with before. Yes, terrible in that it was boring. I told him this. Like every man in history, he needed to protect his pride/ego/penis and wanted to prove to me that he could rock my world. So we've been talking again lately, because I've been drinking a lot, and I like my world to rock - I don't get motion sickness.

He wanted to cuddle last night though. That was fine with me. I would've liked him to stick it in, probably...but whatever cuddling is fine.

Here's what actually went down though...wait for it...wait for it...

NOTHING.

We talked about sports for a little while, whilst watching ESPN. This is typical. Then it came time to cuddle.

He didn't want to cuddle me, he wanted to be cuddled by me.

I was flabberghasted. I made sure I heard him right.

"You want me to be the big spoon?"

"Yes."

"So what you're saying is YOU want to be LITTLE spoon?"

"Yes."

"Funny."

He took off his shirt and pants and we went to bed.

I tried. I tried to cuddle him once, but my heart got all racey because it was such an awkward situation and I was dehydrated and any kind of movement was requiring a lot of energy. Ten seconds in, I bailed. I scooted away. Caught my breath and drank some water.

Thank god he's a silent sleeper, or I would've killed myself/him.

I don't know why he didn't leave. We didn't make eye contact in the morning. I don't know if he was kidding when he said "thanks for the cuddle, I needed that." I think he might just be crazy.

I can't handle it.

The nerve.

I WILL NEVER BE BIG SPOON. GET THAT STRAIGHT. (He might not be...that's the problem.)

Addendum - Never say never. Basically if we've been in a relationship for a while and you need a snuggle, I get it. It won't be for very long, but it could happen. However, if we are hardly even booty calls, do not under any circumstances expect anything but a fork...and I will not be the fork either.

List of inappropriate things I do at my desk

1. Pluck eyebrows

2. Read Kindle

3. Shave armpits

4. Apply deodorant

5. Check nose for boogers

6. File nails

7. Nip cuticles

8. Sing loudly along with Pandora

9. Facebook

10. Blog

11. Sit with hand under waist of pants (Al Bundy Style)

12. Nap

13. Text

14. Personal phone calls

I'm sure there are more, and I will add to this list. I have done all of these today, by the way.

Pledging my October to alcohol, get on board.

Have you ever had that feeling that everything is moving way faster than you are? Or that you just want to stop at every street corner and empty your already empty guts? Yeah...welcome to my morning.

I'm pretty sure I was moving in slow motion this morning, and it was not pleasant. All I want is a toasted bagel to fill up my belly. It's not going to happen though. I can't get myself together enough to move.

The Stumble Inn was pretty entertaining last night to say the least. I decided about midday that I was going to get smashed and I did.

We stopped for vodka on the way to the bar. Always smart. The bartender at the Allie Way is adorable, but so stupid. Like really dumb. Oh well, nice eye candy.

We got to the stumble around 6:45 I would say? Odd that we were at the Allie Way so long, considering we each only had two vodka on the rocks'. Anyway, got to there and commenced drinking hard cider. Very, very classy. Sarah and the Mexican ate a stuffed burger and nachos. I decided against it, for optimal "get drunk" speed.

To make an already long story shorter than it could be, the following are things I did last night:

• Felt up a fire fighter. He was such an asshole, and he was wasted. They called him "Cockasaurus Rex", I had to feel for myself. So I did, a lot.
• Introduced Tiffany to another fireman who is also a nurse that I gave my card to because I told him I could get him a job. LOL. RIGHT. He was adorable though.
• Was bought a pint by an Irishman. He was a ginger.
• Played beer pong and did quite well, but went to go pee and my partner lost the game for us.
• Lots of fist bumps and high fives.
• Exchanged numbers with a second grade teacher that wanted to touch my boobs.
• Scratched my throat with my finger, demonstrating lack of gag reflex.
• Got shithoused.
• Dirty texted - not quite sexting.

I also ended up pissed at the MTA yet again, because the train was running in sections and I almost didn't catch my connection at 1:05am.

Oh, I went on a blind date on Saturday. We went to Indian food. He bought a bottle of wine. We went to a karaoke bar and didn't sing. Went to a regular bar and definitely sang, danced and got schwasted. Went to a "club" and definitely sang, danced and got more schwasted. Lots of making out ensued, LOTS.

I think we're going apple picking on Sunday.

Life is good, even if my belly feels like GAR-BAHGE right now (you like my phonetic french accent? I thought you would.)

Honey tonight.

Did I tell you about Honey last week? I hope I did. Highlight...30 seconds of sex in the bathroom with little Abdul. Damn, I just looked. I did not tell you about Honey last week. I looked hot as shit in my new dress thing. There was drinking. I don't remember if there was much dancing. Damn it seems so long ago. Oh well, more tonight.

It's cool, my diet is shot. I'm not planning on going to the gym again until November. Also, I plan on being drunk for the better part of the rest of the month. My stomach turned a little when I wrote that. GET ON BOARD LIVER, OR I'M LEAVING YOUR ASS BEHIND.

Oh yeah, and B and I got drunk at Blockheads on Monday. Sorry for partying.

A little late for ten on tuesdays, but OH WELL.

Link up here

1. How do you take your coffee?
I don't drink coffee, it makes me sick. I love the smell though.

2. Do you prefer soft or crispy chocolate chip cookies?
Crispy. I really don't enjoy soft baked cookies...any type. I make soft bake a lot though, because that's what people seem to enjoy. I just don't get it.

3. Do you wear a belt everyday?
Not everyday. I prefer not to because I think they emphasize my love handles, but I prefer that to constantly showing the crack of my ass I guess.

4. What is your favorite color combination?
Turqoise and Magenta and Yellow.

Yellow and Gray

Pink and Gray

Deep purple and Gray

I really just like colors...

5. Do you like sour candy?
Yes please. I like to make the sour pucker face.

6. How often do you do laundry?
Maybe once a month. I should do it more. I wash my work clothes more than my weekend clothes.

7. Did you ever wear braces?
7 months. Broke 14 brackets and ripped out the wire three times. Bit off my turbos within 15 minutes. I was at the orthodontist every two weeks. He hated me.

8. Are you good at Roman Numerals?
Not particularly. I know I V X L C M other than that...I don't know if there are any more?

9. What is your favorite form of social media?
Facebook and blogging I guess are the only forms I use.

10. How do you feel about chin dimples?
Generally hate. Some men can pull them off.

Chicago comes to New York!

I'm a negative blogger. I prefer rant posts to anything else. Either ranting or drunken recall, and since I've neither been upset nor drunk lately, I have little to no blog material.

I have decided it might be time to recap Mo's trip to NYC. This is just a boring recall, I apologize in advance for the lack of snarky commentary. I'm just kind of blah. I really want bread.

As you may already know, Mo arrived on Thursday 9/22 in the evening...this means that we were at Honey.

Since she was getting in late, the Mexican and I decided to go get Korean fried chicken. We wanted to decide who had the better chicken between two places, so we went to both. We went to Bon Chon and then Kyo Chon in Koreatown. I was feeling OK, but again I was getting a little burpy which is never ok before drinking.

We parted ways and I headed to Honey. It was actually a quite beautiful night, maybe a little hot and muggy, but nice regardless.  I reserved the outside so I was sitting there with Feathers and Heels, drinking. Kirk was harassing Heels and we were all pretty much trying to ignore his cocky ass. I had to get a carafe of water because I started feeling terrible and getting hot sweats from the fried food and mugginess (I have no gall bladder, so fried usually doesn't go so well with me). My stomach started to settle, thank goodness.

Before we knew it, Mo had arrived! She got out of the cab saying that she thought she was going to die in there because he was speeding down the highway. I didn't give her much time to talk before saddling her up with some pre-ordered drinks.

Shortly there after, B and her other friend arrived...we'll call him Cousteau, because it makes sense to me. He's not unattractive and he's got a decent personality. He's shorter than I am and the only guy I've ever had sex with who was. ANYWAY. The drinking had commenced.

Mo and B, reunited and it feels so good!

Cousteau and B

Anyway, the evening went on. I don't remember going inside to dance at all, but B and Mo did. I'm pretty sure Feathers did too at some point. We all got trashed. Like TRASHED. Feathers didn't remember leaving and I guess she vommed in the cab and ruined her shoes. Yet again, I managed to get everyone HAMMERED. I don't remember saying goodbye to anyone, but Mo told me a did. Cousteau drove us two blocks to the train station where Mo and I got on the train and I promptly told her what stop we were getting off at, and passed out. (I'm a really great host, I promise). I woke up right before our stop and we got off and got life saving sandwiches. I lost half of mine though. To this day, I still don't know where it is. I don't think I ate it.

Friday it rained. I had taken the day off. We did nothing. We watched TV and I cleared my DVR in anticipation of all of the fall premieres/shows. We eventually got hungry in the evening and decided it was time to get ready. We were going to Taj for Chris' birthday and wanted to get dinner first.

We got ready, packed up the bottle of Cosmo and Pomm-Appletini from Honey the night before and made our way to Union Square.

We decided to eat at Republic, and it was delicious. Then we walked in the rain up towards Taj. We were going to meet up with Feathers, but we could NOT figure out a plan, so we ended up at Taj really early. I started drinking.

We were standing on the corner and Mo said we couldn't do that because we looked like prostitutes. Then we moved under some scaffolding not too far from the corner and a crazy/homeless man basically called us lesbian hookers. I don't know WHY Mo humored him and responded to what he was saying. I tried to ignore him, but then almost got into an argument with him because I mumbled "Why can't you just disappear?" to which he responded "How am I supposed to disappear on a public street?" I retorted with something like "You didn't need to stop here. Goodbye." I ignored everything else he said. He was the one who said he would let us get back to each other and "make our money". Absurd.

So we went to Taj, got there around the same time as Chris. We got in just before midnight and they have two for one drinks. So I got two cran vodkas and two long islands. They lasted me the whole night. I nursed them and held down the bar. Dancing happened. Monica was cuffed pretty fast by this adorable boy named Dorian, and just like every time I go to Taj, the deaf people find me. That's right, deaf. I don't have a problem with the hearing impaired, but the limited sign language I know does not allow us to converse, and I really want to be able to jam to the words of a song as well as the beat. I got away that time. We left around 3:30am.

Chris dancing on her bday!

Tired Mo, need to sit.

Saturday Mo wanted to be a tourist. So we tried to make it into the new 9/11 Memorial. Unfortunately, there were no tickets left so we just ended up walking around Lower Manhattan for a little while. We got delicious Pizza and went up to Times Square. We rode the ferris wheel in Toys R Us. We were those people. Those ADULTS I should say. It was pretty glorious. Afterward, we made plans to meet up with the Mexican and one of his roommates down in Chinatown.

Freedom Tower in progress

My little pony car at Toys R Us

We were early to Chinatown and so we got some bubble tea and just hung out before going to this Vietnamese place for dinner. It was pretty damn delicious.

We had plans to meet up with VWR and Ebony Banker (EB) at this bar Legends. So we went up to Herald Square and into the bar to look for her. It was PACKED. The LSU game was on and it was an LSU fan bar. So hot. I went outside to try and get in contact with VWR and had a frustrating time figuring out what to do. She was drunk and kept asking the same questions. They finally agreed to come meet us for a little while so we went back to Legends where I promptly downed two or three cran vodkas in the hell hole they call their upstairs. It was nice to see VWR and EB though. They're a really cute couple. We stayed for about 45 mins and then walked over to HK Lounge to meet Chris for bday round two, and T for one of her friend's bdays (her friend who I've met a million times before). We didn't stay there long because our feet were KILLING us.

Mo and I left around 2, 2:30am. It took us two hours to get home, thanks to the awesomeness of the MT-FUCKING-A. Our feet were so unhappy.

Sunday Mo wanted to be touristy again. We RUSHED to get to the Statue of Liberty boat. It was actually a really nice day. We saw the Statue and Ellis Island and then went up to Curry Hill for some DELICIOUS Indian lunch. We went back up to Times Square to get some souvenirs and decided not to go see a broadway show. Instead we went back to Brooklyn and I took Mo to see the Brooklyn Heights Promenade which is the best view of Manhattan. Unfortunately, the pictures suck because it was night, but it was beautiful. We went to the movies and then home. We had to be up at 4am to go to the airport.

Liberty Island

On the boat to the islands

Overall, I had a great time. My toes are bruised a million ways and I didn't do ANYTHING (other than Honey) the next week/weekend because I needed to recover, but it was a good time.

In other news:

• As I mentioned, I booked my trips to Chicago and Jamaica and I cannot WAIT
• I bought a ton of clothing that I may or may not need
• I need to get a million pairs of pants hemmed
• I've been pretty good about going to the gym lately - my legs hurt a lot right now
• I have to shop for Jamaica and a Halloween Costume
• I need a pair of nice waterproof leather boots
• I have a cold and I'm tired of this goddamn sore throat
• I'm going to the Jets game on 11/11 and could not be more excited about that
• I lent Steel Pans $400 so that he could get his license reinstated and go back to work (baby mama drama)
• I really want a piece of cake
• These pants pockets aren't big enough for my phone
• I don't want to do anything at work