Living like a local in foreign country

Well I've been trying to catch up on blogs today after a brief hiatus, but I figure it's about time to fill you in on my most recent adventure.

I'm sure I mentioned multiple times that about 3 weeks ago I decided to go to Jamaica with my friend Sugar (who I met - but knew of before - in October). I was a bit more comfortable this time, because I was not going to a new city, and I knew where I was going and who I would see, etc.

I left on Wednesday night. This was after having packed all night Saturday and not having looked in my suitcase up until that point. That's a lie, actually. I kept adding little knick knacks here and there. Like a lock for one of the pockets in the bag so my phone wouldn't get stolen like last time. I spent about $200 at Duane Reade on Sunday (and I totally didn't know that Duane Reade wasn't a national chain). I also was making a fuss about getting the airport. JBike was going to take me, but then he would've had to take my car and blah blah blah, all of this random stuff that made it difficult. So after whining for two hours about this, my dad said "Stop this. Here's $80 for your cabs. Now stfu."

Thanks pop!

So that was settled. I made it to the airport in 20 minutes, in the rain, and almost got into a huge accident on the Belt.

I made it through check out and security in 10 minutes. I was therefore 2.5 hours early, when I had only intended on being there 1.5 hours early. Honestly though, thank goodness for online check in, because there was a line for regular check in with at least 50 people on it. I got to skip that because of the internet. Love.

Almost passed out in the airport waiting.

Ended up with a window seat (which I wanted) even though I opted for an aisle seat closer to the front of the plane. Funny how things work out!

I think we got delayed. I wouldn't be surprised. Oh yes, I remember now. There was an entire force of wheelchairs. I'm talking at least 15 people, and they didn't pre-board them. They didn't pre-board small children either. It was the worst fucking idea EVER. We were all stuck on the gangway as the wheelchairs pretty much played bumper cars with the strollers that had to be checked at the plane entrance. A middle aged Jamaican man was hitting on me while this was going on because I was very festive wearing a green hoodie and red and yellow scarves. It was only partially embarrassing, because no one really wants that kind of attention in the airport at 2am, and I had already gotten it from the bag drop off guy. I basically turned up my nose and felt righteous when I said it wasn't the first time I had gone to Jamaica.

I'm lying again. I was really cordial and flattered. He looked for me on the plane and tried to clear a path for me. I b-lined for my seat and tried to sleep.

Sleeping didn't go that great. I mean, I think I must've slept most of the time, but it wasn't like last time. I was awake for quite a bit actually. I was sitting behind a kid who must've been autistic or something. His shrieking really pissed me off at some point, and his insistence on playing his videogame at a loud volume didn't help. I tried to relax though, and did.

I got robbed again by JUTA. Doubly so, actually. I changed $40 USD into JMD at the airport cambio, which was a bad idea, because I ended up getting just over $3,000 JMD. The cab ended up being $3,000. I should've just stuck with the damn USD. Stupid stupid.

Anyway, I got to the bus station and hung out chatting on the free wifi until the bus came. I slept through a good portion of the bus I believe. I don't really remember. I got to Ocho Rios just before noon, as expected. No one came to meet me at the bus, which I could've figured. I dragged my bag down to the condo and try to get in contact with Sugar so security would let me through. I finally got the security lady to call her and they let me in where Max met me in front of the building and I scolded him for not meeting me at the station.

Shortly thereafter, we donned out bathing suits and made our way to the beach. The drinking began around 1. I drank about 4 beers in 20 minutes. Hello Red Stripe.

Then I went to go get Sugar a mixed drink with my Iced Tea Vodka and Peach Snapple Iced Tea. Here's what I didn't know. Sugar doesn't like Peach. I drank both of the drinks in about 15 minutes.

So now we're almost 45 minutes into the drinking and we decide to go back to the condo because I want to play beer pong. However, I do not have beer left, so the only logical thing to do is use vodka, right? Wrong. Very, very wrong. We had met this guy Pitbull on the beach, who was a friend of a friend or whatever. I don't really remember, but he was the one playing with me.

I broke out my solo cups and ping pong balls (yes, I brought them from home for this exact purpose). We stacked the tables on each other and let the games begin.

Pitbull was a fucking natural. He got three in a row. I took the shots (which apparently were quite large) and then I blacked out.

I woke up at around 1am.

Turns out I had been more drunk than I had ever been before in my life. I threw up everywhere - on all of the towels and my shirt. Pitbull had tried to wake me up with a cold shower. Well actually, he bathed me. Yeah, he washed my hair and soaped me up in my bathing suit.

I was not responsive. Almost choked on my own vom too, so I heard. Thanks guys for turning me on my side when I started to dry heave on my back.

When I woke up, two things happened. I told Sugar I was going to get ready to go out (which she told me she would not do - I should've insisted harder), and it hurt for me to smile.

APPARENTLY, I was sitting on one of the couches during vodka pong and I tried to get up. Instead of getting up, I went down...and hit my face on the floor.

That's a little sample of what my face looked like the next day. Yeah, it looked/looks like I was the victim of domestic abuse. I told people this too though, as I laughed about it the next day.

Basically, Thursday was a dead day because I was unconscious by 6pm.

Friday, however, I vowed that day drinking would not occur again. Pitbull works on a yacht. We hung out there for the day.

It was beautiful. I love these net things they have on the boats, except that Sugar knocked my water bottle through the net into the water below. Sug hasn't uploaded her picture where I was jumping off the boat yet though, so I don't really have many pictures of me on the boat.

We just listened to music, talked, lounged, ate beef patties and coco bread and relaxed. Jade came to hang out with us at some point and that was pleasant.

I don't know if I talked about Jade from the last trip, but I adore the guy. We have a no drama understanding. It was a very interesting evening though, because both Pitbull and Jade were after me that day when we went back to the condo.

Jade kept talking about October. Both of them kept trying to pull me close and kiss me when the other wasn't looking. Pitbull gave me a cleavage hickey. It was really confusing, but whatever. They started drinking heavy and tried to get me to join, which I didn't really do so much. It was an awkward "lust" triangle. I can't even explain it, because they both knew I was flirting with the other one too. I was doing it in front of them. They didn't care that I had just kissed the other. Jade knew I was going home with him, I think that's why.

Anyway.

We went to this bar that night to get food and of course I forget my camera battery. Sugar was drunk, Pitbull was drunk, Jade had left to go shower and change and whatever. He came back with his roommate and his whole crew basically and we posted up outside of the bar against the car drinking and such.

They decided to do "crocodiles" that night. I didn't want one, but somehow I was convinced to do half a pill that night, and it did nothing for me. Sugar, however, was teeth all a-chatter. I had to force her to chew gum on both sides of her mouth and escort her to the restroom. On the way, I ran into the kid who I had originally thought stole my phone. I went to go talk to him after putting Sugar back where she needed to be.

Kid might pay for me to go back for New Years. Max apologized to him for beating him up. Everyone asked about my face, it was just an interesting time. We meted out whatever issues we had.

When I got back to the car I cut Pitbull off and shoved a water bottle into his hand. He was a mess.

We were there until closing, not having made it to any of the clubs, and hardly having danced. We hung out at Jade's until around 5am. I was EXHAUSTED, but I got to cuddle with these little gems:

Willow and Plus One (or so I deemed her, because she has no name yet). After just kind of hanging out with everyone, Jade and I "went to bed".

I spent all of Saturday at the house, hanging out with the puppies.

Plus One

I went back to the apartment in the afternoon and got ready to go out. We were supposed to go to Margaritaville, but I don't know why we went so late. We ended up having to pay, and we had waited for Max to get there. It was around 2 when we went. Max wasn't feeling well and the drinks were so expensive, so when I went to go get another drink back at the room, Max and Sugar left too. 15 minutes later, when we went back to MVille, it was pretty much dead.

Pitbull and I took it to the pool.

Sunday we hung around. We were supposed to go on the Yacht, or this guy Kevin's boat, but both options fell through, which pissed me off. So Pitbull and I went to the beach.

We were there around sunset. After the ocean, we took it to the shower. Then we went to Jade's for dinner.

 Hung out at Jade's while the boys played poker until 5am, and then Jade and I took it to bed.

Woke up around 9, said by the Jade and his roommate took me and Pitbull back down to the condo. One of Jade's friends' mom is a politician

Shahine Robinson

And it was nomination day on Monday. So her son - Jade's friend - had brought tshirts for the rally. I took one and was wearing it all day. I got a lot of questions, looks and comments about that shirt throughout the day. It was actually kind of funny. SHOWA!

Jade was supposed to come back down to say hi before I left, but his roommate got stuck in traffic and he didn't come. Pitbull took me to the bus, we ate lunch, and off I went. The cab was cheaper on the way back to the airport. I was there later than I anticipated, but there were no lines and so I ended up being super early. Stopped at duty free, got some free wine samples, coffee and food. Hung out by myself and used the wifi until my flight. The flight was nearly empty and I had an empty seat next to me.

Ackee Wine, Sorrel Blush and Rum Wine

It was a really good flight and I made it home by like 12:30.

It was a very uneventful trip and I'm a little annoyed we didn't do more, but I'm not upset and there wasn't much drama, which is always nice.

Oh, Baby Hustla's baby mama texted me over the weekend. He lied about having a kid. That's going nowhere.

I saw Playboy last night. Good times, good times. He left his watch at my house. I'm trying to decide if it was on purpose. I doubt he's going to have feelings at any point, but it was a little odd, that's for sure.

I'm still undecided on how I feel about Jamaica. I love it, but I don't know if I quite love it the way other people do...although I might just be trying to convince myself that's the case.

California next week!

Jamaica debacle continued

I was out of it on Friday when I woke up. Max made breakfast and I was lazy as shit. Wayne left and I had to wait for him to come back because I had no idea how to get to my room.

I did the walk of shame in a pair of ripped silk harem pants and a sparkly gray top. I'm surprised I put on pants, because I don't think I put them on the night before to walk to Sugar's room, although I don't remember.

The night before - note sparkly top

Either way, I pretty much lazed around all day - I went out to the pool to meet up with the girls at some point and we went through the evening before. Sober me didn't choose sides. I kept saying over and over, I just don't understand how this thing with Khani can be so serious, and why didn't Paris come see Kim in the hospital or at least check on her.

In order for her to take her pain pills, Kim needed to eat though, so we decided to go get food. We were going to get burger king but it was packed. So we went to go get Pizza. Yeah, I live in the Pizza capital of the world, but that's what we decided to get in Jamaica. I don't know how, but we did. Anyway, we got the pizza and then went to go pick up some beer and more booze.

Kim decided she was feeling OK enough to at least go out one night I was there. We allowed her a few beers, and then we pre-gamed. I was carrying around a bottle of vodka and cranberry water for a while actually. The first place we went to was called Baywatch. They lost power after a few minutes of us being there and then we went to this place called John Crow's. Paris and Summer were there with Mona and Mina (all Chicagoans). I spoke to Paris briefly and then she was sitting with Kim basically yelling at her. I don't know anything they talked about (well I do now, because according to Paris, Kim kind of admitted she knew about Khani and that Paris had done the same thing with Keron back in April or whatever after knowing Kim and Keron were talking - I don't know if this is true, or care, but welcome to what Jamaican men are like...always creating problems). Khani kept going over to give things to Kim and I guess Kim was rubbing it in Paris' face? Not sure about that either because all I remember is going over, grabbing Khani and pulling him away from the table and telling him he needed to stop going over to the table, it was just adding fuel to the fire. See, I really was trying to help? I guess not enough though.

Then I blacked out. We went to a strip club - I only remember about 10 seconds of this though.

The next thing I remember is sex in the pool again, but going back to my room this time, because Ashley went back to Sugar's.

I woke up later that night to clean some of the apartment. I got into a bit of a tiff with Khani. I don't remember much, but I remember him grabbing my wrist for something...probably because I cut my hand on a broken glass and wouldn't show him that I was bleeding. I had a bruise on my wrist the next day. Asshole =(

I passed out after that, but we had to be up early-ish in the morning so we could go on this booze cruise.

I was a MESS. I was so tired and out of it and pretty much over the whole thing, but we got our acts together and went; Sugar, Max, Ashley and I. It was SWELTERING when we first go to the boat. We all literally wanted to peel off our skin. It was so gross. We waited about an hour and change for the rest of the boat to fill up. We just kind of hung around on the boat until it was time to get off and swim/snorkel in the sea. That was really pleasant, except I was tired and constantly fighting the tide. And everyone had to wear these big obnoxious floaties. Oh, and I was in starvation mode. I literally felt myself falling apart. I had to buy little boxes of pringles with a credit card, which was a hassle on its own!

Max relaxing

Sunbathing

We got back on the boat and it was a lot cooler - being wet and all. Then we arrived at Dunns River Falls, where I probably should've walked up the falls, but 1. I didn't have cash and I refused to deal with the credit card to buy shoes again, 2. I was so tired and out of it, I knew I'd fall and then I'd be the one in the hospital and 3. We could start drinking...so we did.

Bottom of Dunns River Falls

Ash and Sug were drinking rum punches (which I think are gross, because their rum is nasty there), and I was drinking red stripe. Max' friend Jade, challenged me to chugging contests. I never won, but I got really close. I beat another big white guy on the boat though. We were in the perfect spot on the boat because there was a window to the back of the bar that we could order through, and Jade kept the drinks flowing. I probably had 16 red stripes in an hour...no problem. Sug and Ash got pretty wasted. When I got back to the room, I was exhausted, and Ash was walking around being drunk and it was great.

Doing the cotten eye joe

Combining beers

She was dancing on the moving boat and didn't spill ONE drink

I could hardly eat the KFC that Khani and Ash went out and got for everyone, so I gave it to Jen (who was the one who got married on Wednesday). We got ready and didn't drink all that much because we had to be at Margaritaville by midnight. Wayne drank my to-go bottle.

Margaritaville was a blast. Jade met up with us and he was buying EVERYONE drinks. I was pretty boozed up, but not blacked out! By that point, it was just awkward between the two groups. They stood very close to us (and although Paris explains that's because that's where they ALWAYS stand) I just thought it was weird. I went over to talk to them though, but it was strange and after "how are you, are you having a good time" the conversation died. By this point, I found out they were mad at me, because they invited me to their room one of the nights before while I was blacked out and I never showed up, so they thought I had taken sides. I really tried not to, and I still hadn't up to that point. I had to talk Khani down from confronting Paris...good thing I did, no more violence was needed.

So much fun!

Either way, at the end of the night I went to go to the bathroom and Wayne caught up with me and asked me if I was going home with Jade. I told him I was and asked if he needed to get his bag from my room. He did, so I had Jade wait for me while I walked Wayne back to the room with Khani. Khani had gotten chicken for Kim and I took a piece and that started an argument so when we got to the room, he was upset and we continued to fight about something. I went to change into my pajamas while arguing and got my hand caught in the metal ceiling fan. Fucked up three of my fingers, but I guess it's nothing too serious, still hurts a bit though.

Anyway, I went home with Jade and we spent the night at his house. In the morning he took me back to the hotel and I was laying on the couch, waiting for my alarm to go off because I set it so that everyone could get up and get ready to leave...it never went off.

My phone was lost/stolen - whatever. I still think Wayne took it, but he says he didn't. Max caught up with him after we left and took him to the precinct and I guess he ran when he saw Max and said he would take him to the guy he sold the phone to, but his story changed. At this point, there's not much to say. I couldn't call JBike to come get me from the airport so I had to pay $40 to go home when I got back to the states. Also, I had to pay $500 for a new phone, which blows...really badly.

I need to get over it though, nothing can be done now. I'm not taking my blackberry to jamaica anymore. Paris warned me that it was going to get stolen and she was right - maybe it was Karma...like she thinks Kim's arm is.

Anyway, I was irritated but what could I do. We had to leave. We took the shuttle to the airport. The Canadian's flight was at 2:20, mine wasn't until 6. They wouldn't let me check in until 2. So basically I spent 6 hours in the airport with no phone just staring into space and FREEZING.

The flight was fine and it was nice to be home.

In the end, I made three good friends and lost two people.

The drama continued while I was home and when I went to Chicago, so stay tuned for my Chicago update.

I might go back and reformat these posts at some point. I have pictures, but I'm so blah about the whole thing nowadays that I feel no real motivation.

Just be happy you weren't involved (unless your Mo, in which case I'm sorry you got pulled into it)

My wings are getting tired

Social butterfly wings that is.


After Thursday, I wasn't planning on going out on Friday. I feel like weekends have become my rest days. It's sad, and I feel like a grandma, but I really enjoy sleep.

Anyway, this guy who I went out with once...let's call him Gym Teacher, invited me out Friday night. Sure, I might've mentioned I could possibly make Friday work, but I wasn't expecting him to. However, I agreed.

We went to this place called Tonic in Midtown East/Murray Hill...whatever. I was drinking on the train. Leftovers from Honey, so that was good. I got there and I wasn't really feeling anything (the Long Island had become watered down). He bought me drinks though, and I drank...a lot. Well, maybe not a lot. I did get a little irritated at this guy who was basically leaning on my back. The Gym Teacher (GT) thought it was pretty funny because I was getting a little huffy, so he pulled me away from the bar where we were standing to calm me down.

A few funny things happened. One, we watched this white girl and black guy dance and it was HILARIOUS. She had less rhythm than me. Honestly, I'm pretty good at "dubbing". Yeah, that's right, I can grind like...a mortar and pestle? Anyway, this girl was so off beat it was pretty hilarious. Secondly, the men's bathroom didn't have a lock on it, but it was just a single person bathroom, so while GT was peeing, two other guys walked into the bathroom. They were so quick! I didn't have time to stop them...so I just laughed.

Pretty much we danced until 4am, made out a lot and then he drove me home. I'm always impressed with my ability to give directions when drunk...because I was DEFINITELY drunk.

Saturday, I was supposed to go out for Heels' birthday. I actually got in the shower to get ready. B was going to come too, but she wasn't feeling well. Then, whilst showering, I discovered I had hives. Well, that's what my mom said they were. I've never had an allergic reaction to anything before...well not really, and I hadn't had anything new recently, so I had no idea what was going on. Also, it was completely isolated to my breasts (under my bra area- which could've explained it...if I had been wearing one at all that day) and a few little dots on my belly. Said hives, plus my train being a complete douchebag this weekend again, combined with having to wake up at 8:30am, kept me home.

Great sleep. Hivey boobs. What a Saturday.

Sunday I woke up early to go meet my cousin in the city. I haven't seen her since last Thanksgiving and I was excited to talk to her. Honestly, every time I hang out with my mom's side of the family, it makes me realize that maybe my family isn't a complete disaster (then I check facebook and read all about my dad's side and the reminder wavers a little). We had a great brunch and I dropped her off at the subway. Hopefully we'll keep in touch more. I think we're both at points in our lives where our relationship could be great!

Afterward, I went to go pick up the guy I had gone to Indian food and La Caverna with last weekend. Let's give him a name...Compas, because that's what he likes to listen to the best. I picked him up and we went to go to IHOP so he could get something to eat, because the Mexican and his boy were supposed to be coming 30 minutes later. I finally found parking, we walked over to IHOP and it was packed. Then I got a message from the Mexican and they arrived early. We went back to the car, scooped them up and headed up to Hopewell Junction, NY - to Fishkill Farms. We wanted to go physically apple picking, but it's late in the season, so instead we got apple cider donuts and hot apple cider at an orchard. We sat on the back porch, overlooking the pretty scenery and ate and drank our treats.

The Mexican with his hot apple cider

I shopped. I got pumpkins and apples and produce and honey vinegar and it was just glorious.

We went to Cracker Barrel afterward, which was pretty much the reason the Mexican wanted to go apple picking in the first place...because there are none of them in NYC. (By the way, both Compas and I are geniuses according to the peg game.)

Peg game - I'm a genius

The car rides were not bad. I mean, other than being an hour and change each way. We all chatted on the way up there and sang along to some music. The Mexican and his boy napped on the way back and Compas and I held hands and chatted on the way back. It was actually really sweet. He was great the whole day. He was just the right level of affectionate, hugging me sometimes and kissing the top of my head/cheek.

I came home and roasted my acorn squash, toasted the pepitas, and cooked collard greens that I bought at Fishkill and watched TV until I passed out.

Toasted pepitas!

I'm a really lucky girl.

Except of course for the fact that I haven't heard from Steel Pans in over a week. Money ruins everything.

Pledging my October to alcohol, get on board.

Have you ever had that feeling that everything is moving way faster than you are? Or that you just want to stop at every street corner and empty your already empty guts? Yeah...welcome to my morning.

I'm pretty sure I was moving in slow motion this morning, and it was not pleasant. All I want is a toasted bagel to fill up my belly. It's not going to happen though. I can't get myself together enough to move.

The Stumble Inn was pretty entertaining last night to say the least. I decided about midday that I was going to get smashed and I did.

We stopped for vodka on the way to the bar. Always smart. The bartender at the Allie Way is adorable, but so stupid. Like really dumb. Oh well, nice eye candy.

We got to the stumble around 6:45 I would say? Odd that we were at the Allie Way so long, considering we each only had two vodka on the rocks'. Anyway, got to there and commenced drinking hard cider. Very, very classy. Sarah and the Mexican ate a stuffed burger and nachos. I decided against it, for optimal "get drunk" speed.

To make an already long story shorter than it could be, the following are things I did last night:

• Felt up a fire fighter. He was such an asshole, and he was wasted. They called him "Cockasaurus Rex", I had to feel for myself. So I did, a lot.
• Introduced Tiffany to another fireman who is also a nurse that I gave my card to because I told him I could get him a job. LOL. RIGHT. He was adorable though.
• Was bought a pint by an Irishman. He was a ginger.
• Played beer pong and did quite well, but went to go pee and my partner lost the game for us.
• Lots of fist bumps and high fives.
• Exchanged numbers with a second grade teacher that wanted to touch my boobs.
• Scratched my throat with my finger, demonstrating lack of gag reflex.
• Got shithoused.
• Dirty texted - not quite sexting.

I also ended up pissed at the MTA yet again, because the train was running in sections and I almost didn't catch my connection at 1:05am.

Oh, I went on a blind date on Saturday. We went to Indian food. He bought a bottle of wine. We went to a karaoke bar and didn't sing. Went to a regular bar and definitely sang, danced and got schwasted. Went to a "club" and definitely sang, danced and got more schwasted. Lots of making out ensued, LOTS.

I think we're going apple picking on Sunday.

Life is good, even if my belly feels like GAR-BAHGE right now (you like my phonetic french accent? I thought you would.)

Honey tonight.

Did I tell you about Honey last week? I hope I did. Highlight...30 seconds of sex in the bathroom with little Abdul. Damn, I just looked. I did not tell you about Honey last week. I looked hot as shit in my new dress thing. There was drinking. I don't remember if there was much dancing. Damn it seems so long ago. Oh well, more tonight.

It's cool, my diet is shot. I'm not planning on going to the gym again until November. Also, I plan on being drunk for the better part of the rest of the month. My stomach turned a little when I wrote that. GET ON BOARD LIVER, OR I'M LEAVING YOUR ASS BEHIND.

Oh yeah, and B and I got drunk at Blockheads on Monday. Sorry for partying.

I kind of feel like a John

Because I lent my "booty call" $400.

I'm too nice. Steel Pans was in a bit of a pickle where his license was suspended until he could pay $1,000 and he can't work without a license, hence the pickle. I covered the balance after he scraped together what he could. I'm probably too nice.

I've spent an incredible amount of money in the past two weeks. It's a bit sick, but about $700 of that went to vacation. I'm really excited to go to Chicago for Halloween and Jamaica for...well, because it's Jamaica and the Canadians will be there. I just need a break, I swear. I love how I act like my life is so rough and I constantly need a vacation. I'm such a baby about it.

Anyway, I'll suck it up and move on with my life.

I went to Honey last night. I wasn't going to. I even went to the gym first, but Feathers convinced me to go. If someone goes, then I go. I actually bet this guy Kirk (a real d-bag) $100 bucks that they would give me the outside table before him...and he "promotes there". I'm cooler though. They like me more. I'm going to win next week - if we go.

We had tacos and tostadas from this amazing truck right by Honey and it was brilliant. So delish. Didn't go with my diet though. Oh yeah, I'm on one of those. Watching what I'm eating, going to the gym more often, pushing myself harder when I'm there. It was going fine until last night and the three dinners/two carafes of cosmos.

That's nothing though. I got everyone shnockered last Thursday in honor of Mo's arrival. Most people ended up sick. I spent another $200. It's fine. I just need to stop "keeping them coming" when I start drinking. I'm a bottomless cosmo pit. I feel a touch bad because I blacked out for part of the evening, but at least I remembered to tell Mo where I lived...so I could pass out on the train. Yeah, I'm classy like that. I woke up BEFORE our stop though, so that worked out brilliantly.

We didn't do anything during the day on Friday and that was great. It rained and we watched TV. I need another day like that because starting on Friday night, we were going non-stop pretty much.

We went out to dinner in Union Square and then whilst drinking left over booze from Honey on Thursday (one of my fave parts of Friday mornings is going through my bag from the night before and seeing what goodies I've managed to stuff in my bag - I was not disappointed last Friday with a big bottle of cosmos and one of pom-apple martinis.)

Anyway, we walked up to Taj and we were super early, so we just kind of hung around and drank. A crazy homeless man called us lesbian prostitutes. It was funny because Mo was all "we can't stand on the corner because we'll look like hookers" and then we moved away from the corner....and lo and behold, we got called hookers. Then we went to sit in the bank and drink, and a homeless man decided that's where he was going to sleep that night. We had bad bum luck that night.

We got to Taj right before midnight and got two for one drinks. I had four drinks at once. It was pretty glorious. Good time overall. The train home was kind of a bummer because my train wasn't working...more about this later.

Honestly, I don't feel like writing anymore right now. You'll have to wait until Monday (or later next week) for more updates on my life.

Sure, smack my butt. Don't worry, I won't wake up.

When I decided that drinking when I have work the next day is a good idea, I don't know...but, it's not (a good idea).

Yesterday, I went to the Bronx to meet up with B at City Island. Her family was all there after having gone to church. I'm not sure how often this happens, but not that often. Considering I hadn't left the house on Saturday, I figured seafood was probably the best reason to go out there.

So I got there with a tiny bit of traffic. Had broiled snow crab legs, 6 clams and 6 oysters. It was pretty much phenomenal and I looked like a savage as I ate them.

We hung around taking pictures after that. I didn't get the ones I took off of my camera yet, so those may come later (or I'm a genius and I totally brought my camera to work with me!)

I love them all!

 Anyway, afterward we went to Orchard Beach to catch the second half of this basketball game. I had a bottle of vodka in my trunk and we thought it would be a good idea to drink. So we spent 15 minutes on line getting a huge cup of ice tea to mix the vodka into. Basically, the game was over when we got to the actually basketball court. At least it was close to over. Sister was going to drive my car so I could continue to drink, but B and Sis got into a tiny tiff and because I wasn't feeling the booze at all, I felt good to drive. We drove back to B's block and decided that we were going to be pretty much "hood" and bring folding/lounge chairs outside and just go sit on the side walk, listen to music and drink more. We went down the block from her house and sat near my car. It was actually a ton of fun.


This guy I used to mess around with who happens to be one of B's best friends (BBFF) decided to come over since he's been MIA for a while. I actually made a bet with another of B's friends that we would never hook up again, and I don't plan on losing my $20. Not that our trysts weren't good, in fact, he was one of the better ones, but his attitude and mine DO NOT MESH. Ever. He seemed taken aback that I would think we would never hook up again. We won't. I'll see to it.

Once BBFF got there, we decided to all sit in my car because he didn't have a seat, and because we moved on to drinking coronas, and you can't just do that on the sidewalk. Drinking out of a beer bottle is not the same as drinking out of a big gulp pepsi cup.

We hung out there for a while and then around 1am we went back to B's apartment. I changed into the PJ's I leave at her house. BBFF tried to feel me up. I put the kibosh on that. Then I laid down, and promptly passed out.

While I was asleep, they made burgers (which I didn't have any of - sad face) and apparently BBFF was smacking my ass and I didn't wake up. I only have a faint memory of him leaving.

At 3am, I must've felt energized or something because I decided to go home. In order to avoid driving in traffic today (Monday), I was going to drive home at 3am on Sunday. I tried to wake up B to tell her to lock the door behind me, but she pretty much ignored me. I was home by 3:30am. Best driving decision ever.

Woke up this morning dehydrated, feeling like my blood was pure vodka and probably exuding it from my pores. Oh well. I made it to the chiropractor and am now at work. I was in my own personal hell about an hour ago because I was on a conference call with ITS from the College and the Hospital. It was agonizing and my IT problem is still not solved, and they don't even know where to begin.

Stupid!

Rewinding a bit, Friday, I decided to leave work early to check out another Restaurant Week place for lunch.

Watermelon salad with watercress, goat cheese and champagne vinaigrette - I sat outside which is why the picture is not great, it was hot and sunny.

Softshell crab hoagie with chipotle mayo and slaw with home made salt and vinegar chips

Creme Brulee tart with peach and blueberry compote and summer peach sorbet

I went home and get a pedicure and was convinced, although I was exhausted, to meet up with VWR and Golda for drinks. I met them in the East Village and we ended up going to three different places which pretty much sucked. I learned, however, that I no longer hate beer as I had once originally thought. I did chug two mugs at Off the Wagon (one of the Stumble Inn's counterparts). We also caught the end of this show thing and the environment was totally not my style. I'm just not a hippie. There was this girl whose voice was...interested, and she talked a mile a minute. VWR and I decided to leave early from that place and try and go meet up with the Mexican. That didn't work out so well, so we both just went home around 1am, and I was really ok with that.

Lastly, B is going to Detroit tomorrow because of her job. I really hope they don't relocate her there. I'm sure sure what I would do with myself if she left. It makes me nervous.

Yes, I steal tables.

It's time for another episode of Thursday night debauchery recap.

First off, let me start by saying that yesterday was gorgeous. Pretty much perfect weather, if not a little cool. DRASTICALLY different from last week's episode of Thursday night debauchery. It was so hot last week that I melted as I sat outside. I even put my hair up temporarily because it was stifling.

After getting my nails done with The Mexican and VWR, I went to Honey. B and I were supposed to meet at 7:15 or so. She asked me to get her a shirt on my way because she was wearing her work shirt and forgot a change of shirt, yet again.

I picked up a shirt for her in Union Square and then started walking down to Honey, slowly because she wasn't responding to my messages. I got there just after 7:15 and had a message from B saying she was around the corner.

I chatted with the doorman for a little while - my best buddy - and noticed that there were no seats outside. I scolded Doorman for not reserving us a table, because he knew that we would be coming. It was a joke, but in all honesty, he should've. I will be calling Maitre'D in the future to do just that. I got his number later on in the night. They really do love us there.

The reason I mention the table situation is that there were these two women sitting at one of the tables while I was waiting for B and talking to Doorman. They got up and I was on it. I asked them if they were coming back and the girl mumbled something about "possibly coming back" and when I said "what?" to clarify, she walked away. I took the table.

I sat there for almost 15 minutes before the girl came back and was like "This was our table, we just went to get a hookah." Excuse me for a second here miss. Your whole party got up, and took your drinks with you. You disappeared for 15 minutes, and when I said "what" because I didn't hear you, you chose to ignore me. Basically, I'm going to ignore you now. I sat there, and she eventually skittered away. She tried to tell Maitre'D and he looked outside, saw me, and essentially shut her down. Bye bitch!

B FINALLY showed up at 8pm. I wanted to kill her at that point because I had been waiting so long, and I hadn't had a drink yet because I couldn't get up from the table to go to the bar and the waitress was THE WORST. I had been there over an hour before I had to get the bus boy to get the waitress. I ordered 4 Watermelon Martinis for B and 4 Cosmos for me. The girls next to me laughed and I told them that there was a reason I was ordering in bulk. Happy hour was almost over. They weren't really laughing at me, but they definitely thought I was nuts...until the waitress didn't come back for almost a half hour and they had to go to the bar to pay their bill and get other drinks.

The waitress came back about two minutes after I gave her my order to write down what I wanted. She said "You said 4 strawberry margaritas, right?" Um, no. I don't know who the hell she was listening to when she got THAT order, but definitely not me. I spoke super slowly after that to make sure she got the order right. It took about a half hour to get the drinks, and this was with prompting from the Maitre'D again. We started drinking rapidly.

Our first order

By 8:45 we were each breaking into our second drink. We decided we were going to order another round at the bar. We found the Floor Manager, who I adore, and she was working the bar. I ordered the 8 more drinks with her and asked her if she could just add them to my tab and send them outside. She agreed. I feel bad for her, because she was SWAMPED.

It was packed there that night, so it took another 15+ minutes to get our next round. This worked out because we were almost done with the first round when it finally came.

However, the owner was there that night. He is an ass (we discovered) and they had to close the window wall to the inside because of noise complaints, which was fine. But also, he said we all had to clear out of the outside area. I guess he got fined $10,000 last week or something because of people outside. Probably because of the fight and the police and all that jazz. Doorman convinced him to let us stay another half hour to drink the drinks that had JUST been delivered to us. We were the only ones allowed to stay outside.

B finished her drinks and I got down to my last 1.5 before we were forced inside. That's fine though. It was time to dance anyway. We got the bill and the only thing that was on it were our first 8 drinks, at $5 a pop. God I love Floor Manager.

Oh yeah, at one point I went to go use the facilities and saw my bestie, Senegal (who later "yelled" at me for calling him that because I didn't know his name. He called me Melissa until I learned his name. Ironically, it's the same as mine, except pronounced COMPLETELY differently.) I made him let me use the men's room because I refused to wait. He just shook his head at me as I took the paper towel from him to scrub stuff with before I squatted anyway. I used the men's room twice that night. On my way downstairs to the restroom though, I ran into Floor Manager and asked her if there was anywhere I could put my bag. She took the whole thing and put it in the back room so I didn't have to worry about it. It was THE BEST!

B and I were pretty much wasted. I actually left to go get a slice of Pizza and I came back. I hadn't eaten since lunch. I was going to order food at Honey, but with the snail pace service, I didn't even bother.

When I came back, still trashed, B and I were dancing. Unfortunately, I put my arm down and hit this girl's drink onto the floor. It was half of a patron margarita. It was her birthday (B checked her ID to confirm), so we went to the bar to replace the drink. B got one for the girl and one for herself, and I got a Long Island. I don't think that we paid for those drinks either, unless B did...

B thought that it was silly to give the girl a whole drink because I only knocked over half a cup, maybe. So we drank some before giving it to her.

Our drinks were incredibly strong that night. 

I don't think I drank ANY of the Long Island. I was housed. I ended up going back to see Senegal and in the restroom I poured out the bottle of water I had and poured in the Long Island. Yeah I lost some in transition, but I maintained a good portion of it that is now sitting in my room at home. Senegal and B were having this long involved conversation about pulling strings to get him into school and blah blah blah. We always find the needy ones. It was cute. I promised to look into what I could do. I think he's only on a visa so he needs to find a school to go to or something.

I guess B said she was ready to go, so we got ourselves together and went to the train. We might've stopped for pizza again. Come to think of it, I don't remember getting to the train station or getting on the train. I don't think I had to wait long though and it was only a brown out, because I have bits and pieces of it in my memory.

I did not miss my stop. On my way to my house I ran into OhD, who was also smacked. I told him to just come back to my house and go to sleep. He obliged. It was stupid of him to think he didn't want to do just that.

Of course I texted Steel Pans, but nothing dirty like I usually do. Basically, "Are you coming over?" The answer was "Leave the back door open." So I did.

It was about 1am. I told my mother who was sleep-watching tv, to go to bed, vomited my life up, and went into my room. Got into my PJs and the next thing I remember is waking up next to Steel Pans, naked.

I think I remember the sex. One can't be too sure though. I have one or two flashes of our throes of passion.

I woke up surprisingly un-hungover. My stomach is still not happy, but at least my body didn't feel like I was beaten like a red-headed step child (my aunt actually has one of those...)

Minor sidenote: House Manager told us we had to come another night and not just on Thursdays, he cut her finger and was at the ER that day, but she stopped by at some point during the night. Floor Manager told us we had to come on Wednesday for Bachata lessons because there are never enough women. B agreed. I'm going to be a hot mess. I CANNOT Bachata. I will go though, because I am loyal and they are wonderful.

Thus concluding another episode of the Thursday night debauchery chronicles.

Another sidenote, Delta texted me. He makes no sense. Let's play "decipher this":

Rain, trains and drunken brains.

You know what happens in NYC when it rains? It smells. Not like oh I just farted and that rank smell will dissipate soon, no. This is a lingering stench that is so malodorously offensive that your eyes begin to water and you want to cry for your mommy because she's the only one magical enough to make it all go away.

Speaking of offensive, there's a bitch on this train with me that is so hideously dressed/put together that my eyes are offended and she should get a ticket for her shitty fashion sense. To give you a hint as to what she looks like, imagine an OH MY GOD THERE'S A RAT IN HER SHIRT. I am not kidding everyone. This girl has an albino fucking labrat hanging out in her bra and peeking out of her shit. Woah, revision - this is a naked rat. It's hairless y'all and she's paying it no mind. So again, imagine an oompa loompa of sorts. Taller sort of, but still with green hair. That's correct, she has grass/lime green hair with bleach blond/yellow bangs. And it looks dirty. While she is not a "little person" she is still chunky around the middle and everywhere else. Her clothing only enhances this fact. She is wearing see through hot pink ankle cut leggings, which is hardly containing her flubber, but at least she had the decency to wear modest shorts over the see through leggings...oh wait. She is wear short short black cotton shorts. And you know when you have big enough thighs that they rub together? You know what that does to short shorts, right? You got it, they are forming the crotch pointing arrow (aka they are riding up on both sides in the middle). They are also dirty and dotted with little brown dirt specks. but wait, there's more. She is wearing a white mostly see through wifebeater, again with a rat exploring around in there and a tiny mesh construction vest that you couldn't close with a staple gun. Throw in some black and blue jordans, and a red sixers hat and you have what's sitting across from me.

Addendum, I lied, the rat is not naked, it's just incredibly pink, like she made it that way on purpose (dyed it). And it's crawling up her and making annoying noises. Now it's in her hair. Oh and she has snake bite and monroe piercings. Not a pretty girl...and guess what? I took a picture. Yup! Look at this gem.

I didn't get a picture of her boyfriend who would be just to the girl it the yellows' left

Never a dull moment NYC. (PS. I wanna kill her friend sitting next to her. He's playing guitar hero on that laptop, with the volume bllllasting and dickhead standing next to him - not pictured - just decided to play music aloud on his phone to compete)

And now we return to what my Thursday and so far my Friday has been.

Yesterday was mostly exhausting, but in a good way. After work the Mexican and I went with another friend to get our biweekly manicure at Dashing Diva, where Thursdays and Fridays after 5pm you get a free Cosmo that is brilliantly made. So we got a little sloshed at the nail salon.

We made our way to Grand Central and on the way there was this glorious specimen of a man, but he didn't smile at all, so I didn't feel comfortable saying anything to him. All you need to know is that at lunch today the Mexican and I talked about the unicorn that that man was. I would really like a piece, but at least I have new fantasy material.

When we arrived we parted ways. I went walking around to kill time. Inhaled a few dumplings and made my way to Bath and Body Works. I met up with B and Sister and spent money on things that I didn't really need (what's new?). B and I then went to Strawberry to get her an outfit to wear to the Honey Lounge. With something new to wear in tow, we made our way down to Union Square where I argued with a retard on the train because he wanted directions and couldn't handle both B and I telling him what he needed to do. Seriously, he was actually "slow".

You'll be proud of me folks, I used my gym membership this month. I paid $74 this month for B to be able to change her clothing somewhere and for a place for me to pee. Thank you New York Sports Club.

At NYSC I texted Chris who was already at Honey to see if she could order us drinks before Happy Hour was over. When we arrived, 4 drinks were waiting for us. Yummy yum martinis. I ordered 4 more drinks before happy hour ended 15 minutes later. I drank the first 3-4 really damn quick and got a niiice buzz. I danced, harassed the Senegalese bathroom attendant that I usually harass and enjoyed myself. Senegalese guy tried to lie to me about his age though, he said he was 25 but was born in September of 1987. Stupid. B left pretty early and then Chris and I didn't leave long after that. We were on our way home before midnight.

I inhaled two slices of pizza drunkenly and ran into B! So we frolicked to the train together and my train was there when we got to the station! The MTA has been kind for the past few days. I'm sure tonight my luck will change. I didn't get a seat though and was standing in the middle of the train holding onto two of the bars to keep myself from spinning or getting nauseous in any way. I kept it classy.

Got home, decided to be dirty as shit and just go to bed. I meant to get a BC to come over but I fell asleep on my phone and missed that opportunity. Was woken up by the torrential downpour at 3am. I'm talking sky opening up, God smiting, need to locate Noah and his Ark before we get washed away type rain. I went to work late and then stayed way more than late. Now I'm procrastinating taking a shower before I go to Marquee - story of my life.

See you on Monday, folks.

Huge cup of cognac at 9am? Don't mind if I do...

I lie. I hate cognac. I specifically hate Hennessy and most other forms of dark liquor. I have bad memories with countless of this shady libations and I don't care to recall any of them.

That being said, on my walk to work this morning I passed a man (who was probably a bum, although he wasn't exuding any particularly offensive smell,wasn't wearing anything completely inappropriate or tattered, didn't look totally unkempt and wasn't muttering profanities to himself - so I can't say for sure, but I'm pretty convinced he had bum written all over him) who was pouring himself a beverage from a black bag. He was had a large see through plastic cup sitting on the side of a stoop, full of ice. There was a bottle of coke next to him, which he didn't give a second glance at any point. I watched him open a HANDLE of Hennessy (unmistakable to my well-trained eyes) and pour an entire cupful of that liquid from hell into the iced cup. What time was it? 8:54am.

The smile on his face as he poured though was...mindboggling, because I know what happens when people drink Hennessy and it's never good. Never, ever good.

This experience inspired me though. And no, it didn't inspire me to pick up a bottle of Henny, or to become accepting of day drinking (day drinking is only acceptable for special occasions, cookouts and the first day of vacations). It did inspire me to start writing down things I see on the streets of New York City (and in some of the establishments that I find myself at) in my phone, for blogging purposes.

That's right folks, I'm becoming a real blogger.

However, I think blogging has given my computer a virus and IT will be by later this afternoon to re-format my computer. Hell of a day I tell ya. (side note: I thought I lost this ENTIRE entry due to my computer crashing and I almost flipped my shit. THANK YOU AUTOSAVE.)

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It's cool if I look like the devil

On a completely different note, B and I went to prom last night (I will upload pictures when I put them on my computer). Yes, two 20-somethings went to a high school prom and let me tell you two things. One, getting there was no easy task and resulted in an issue with the car (nothing serious folks - but I'll tell you about it anyway) and two, I am thankful that my mother used to tell me I looked like a sausage when I wore clothing that was too small for me. I swear some of these girls are so deluded about the shape of their body and how clothing is supposed to fit that I think I need to open a new pair of contacts 3 weeks early from how dry they got staring at some of the messes at that damn prom.

Firstly the car situation. B came over after work and it worked out well because she now works 20 minutes from my house and gets off of work an hour after me. So I went to the chiropractor (which I'm only seeing because hopefully the letter from my doc can get insurance to cover my planned surgery - otherwise he does nothing for me) and then found my way home. We decided to be fat and get tacos/tostadas from the taco truck. In the end, a decent idea because we didn't get to prom for another 3 hours.

You can kind of see my make up skeeeelz

Anyway, with Mexican food in tow we made our way back to my house to get ready for prom. We were giddy and excited and I did some bomb ass eye make up for B (way better than my own, and I will tell you 20 times that I should work for Sephora if I drink after having done any make up - so says B). We ran into one problem though. Already running incredibly late I noticed my dad's bag was home, but not him. This lead me to believe that he had to car. I was right. He started bowling on Mondays again and wouldn't be home until 9:30pm. Of course prom started at 7 and was an hour away. It was 8:45pm when, after frantically calling his cell phone to no avail, I was forced to call the bowling alley and got into a stupid argument with him on the phone about needing the car and blah blah blah.

I was a whiny baby and I was expecting him to drop everything and come home with the car. I felt like an ass for getting mad and hanging up on him when he said he would be home in 45 minutes. He made me feel worse when he got home, but whatever. I'm a child. Move on.

Prom location

We got to prom at just after 10pm. We ate, probably too much, but it was relatively delicious (dessert far surpassed dinner in every way shape and form). My mother was being nuts, as usual. We tallied the votes for prom king and queen. It was relaxing. We danced a bit, or at least lingered around the dance floor. All in all, a pretty good night.

Let me tell you the real reason why I'm talking about prom though. Some of the dresses these girls were wearing, oh my fucking god. Who lied to them about looking good?

There were these twins in these short TIGHT dresses that probably were suffocating them or at least causing them indigestion. One of them was wearing this white lacey number and I swear she looked like the Michelin Man. It was awful and definitely not prommy. There were a bunch of Little bo peep wannabees with these very odd dresses. There were those who looked really nice and dressed their bodies well. There were dresses that made no sense and were very Gaga. The prom queen was essentially wearing a see through crystal/sequin dress. There were heels that could break your ankles just by looking at them. So much weave I wanted to make a basket to carry all of the garbage they gave out at prom in.

It was at this time that I wanted to thank my mother for always bestowing upon me a sense of semi-modesty or at least consciousness of the size of my body. Some things are just not meant for bigger girls. It's not sexy to be bulging all over the place. It's not sexy to leave nothing to the imagination.

Thank you mom for your not-so-kind by informative words. "Don't wear that, you look like a sausage trying to bust out of your casing." More people should take heed of your advice...sometimes.

Random pictures from prom:

Mama and B

Get down, B!

How low can you go? Can you go down low? Down to the flo'?

Dessert please.