Inertia caught me.

I started writing this on my phone a few weeks ago as I was walking home from the train. I don't have a laptop at home any more (thanks to a burglary and my shitty luck), so my phone is where I turn to, unless I'm at work.

"I think that I've always been waiting for that spark, that snap, that straw to break the camel's back. Essentially, I've been waiting for change. I've been waiting for that moment where it all becomes clear; for clarity to take over, my vision to be magically cleared, the proverbial crud to be wiped from my eyes. I've been waiting for a moment when I'll just know. Know what? I'm not sure. Everything maybe? Know what I'm supposed to do, who I'm supposed to love, that kind of thing. I've been waiting for all of the puzzle pieces to just click and for me to suddenly just...know. But it doesn't work like that, does it?

Some say it all started with a big bang, so why is it that my life can't start like that? Not literally, but figuratively but tangibly. I don't want to have to always think about what comes next, I want it to just happen. People have been fighting for freedom to decide everything for themselves since society began, but I want to be a passenger long for the ride of my life."

What's wrong with being a passenger? I spent most of my life being shlepped around from place to place by my parents, the subway, obligations, etc. If it's possible to thrive in mediocrity and passivity, I've done it. I'm not a passionate person. I can't say I'm incredibly driven. I've always been taken care of, I've barely struggled, so has this shaped me into this spectator waiting for the action?

I've come to a point in my life where I'm not satisfied, but I'm not dissatisfied. I suppose it is possible to be unsatisfied, but have no real negative feelings. I just...exist.

My job is boring and pointless. I spend 7.5 of my daily working hours at my job watching television. That's right, I said it. I watch TV at work. I feel completely and utterly useless here. I'm not thriving, I'm barely contributing and I'm just getting by. I'm passively applying to nursing schools, but getting disgruntled by the whole application process although it's my only ticket out of here. I'm worried that I'm not going to have any money at all next year when I actually (all things working out) start nursing school and have to quit my job.

I have no hobbies and my current only real friend that I spend time with in NYC is contemplating an international move because she put in her work notice and her current job one upped the new jobs' offer. B is gone to another state for the majority of next year and it looks like for a good portion of the rest of this one. My social life is officially crumbling and although I care, I don't know how to fix it. It's really tough to make friends as an adult in NYC, especially when you currently have no hobbies...which I don't. No hobbies, no passions, I'm just skating through life waiting for that life-altering moment when it all makes sense and I know what I want.

I'm ready to take a HUGE leap. I can't wait to get out of nursing school because I want to do Doctors Without Borders. I need to be challenged. I need to stop waiting!

So many things to do, and the only person standing in my way is myself. Getting out of my way seems like too much effort right now, because honestly I've become a stagnant rock. Sitting, waiting, wishing, wanting...all that good stuff that Jack Johnson talks about in that song. I'm mossed over folks, and let me tell you, it's boring as hell, but physics and the law of inertia kind of dictate that this rock that I currently am will not be going anywhere without an outside force.

WHERE IS THE DAMN FORCE? What will it be? I'm not one for animal cruelty, but where's my damn straw...I got the back pain but no change.

Speaking of back pain, I'm getting old. I suffered a nasty bout of debilitating Sciatica back in October. Also, I can no longer hang like I used to. I get brutal hangovers and have a hard time staying up past midnight. Overall, I think I'm about 80 years old in practice. I really hope this doesn't fuck with my trip to Israel on Birthright next week. Yeah, that's right, I'm going to Israel for free because my ancestors were Jewish. Take that 'Murica!

I'll talk all about it soon...I may even take my dad's mini computer with me to document it because my hand no longer is capable of writing like a normal human being.

That gives me another idea, I really have to talk about this younger generation and their ridiculousness with social media and inability to actually communicate.

I'm going back to paying attention to Almost Human on Hulu now. It's good to be back.

It's OK on a Thursday.

It's OK...

That there is no more "It's OK" linkup.

To be in a bad mood for no apparent reason - even my coworker noticed this. I think it's because I was napping at work and got woken up a little too early. Also, the right side of my jaw/ear hurt for no apparent reason either and it's not making me happy.

To have possibly missed a monthly meeting because I wasn't ever told what time it was supposed to be and where it was.

To be upset at Hulu because the shows I want to watch are not available yet - this Hulu Plus bullshit is getting on my nerves.

That I still do very little at work.

That at 9am this morning it was already 77 degrees, and that it will peak at around 90 in the next hour or two.

To be excited to see B, whom I haven't seen in over a week, because we're going to drink (although neither of us can afford it) and forget we have any problems.

That a Jamaican man hit on me before 8am, probably because I'm wearing bright blue pants.

That I'm wearing bright blue pants.

That, although I'm doing nothing at work right now, I'm so ready to leave it's not even funny. On the other hand, it's hot as fish grease outside (84 right now), and I don't even want to go outside to get lunch.

To already be excited for trivia next week. Rudi and I did pretty darn good for just having two of us on a team on Tuesday.

To have my mood drastically improve before posting this entry.

To know I'll have something to update tomorrow because it's THIRSTY THURSDAY!! Drinks on me?

In a Friday food daze.

As I sit here with water spots all over my shirt and jacket sleeve, I'm reminded how awful I am at consuming food and beverages. I don't just mean that I'm a mess, but I really can't stop eating sometimes and it's become apparent that this is incredibly unhealthy. From the time that I stepped into work today, until about 20 minutes ago, I had only taken 10-15 minutes of breaks from eating. In fact, I know that my overeating has become an issue when the fruit/veggie stand man made a comment this morning about how much I love grape tomatoes and that I buy two boxes a day. (see you Tuesday, fruit/veggie stand man!)

E'ryday

I also made a huge mistake last week when going with my coworker to buy snacks for the teen group he hosts. I purchased my own set of snacks, of which I have only 2 left in my drawer. I bought nutter butter bites, werthers, 3 boxes of those seaweed strips, popcorners, string cheese, yogurt, bologna, and pickles (the refrigerated ones are still here). Oh and at Costco earlier this week (for another teen group buying sesh) I bought mini chocolate croissants for everyone, and then felt obligated to indulge in a few. I should be shot.

And the Brown Sugar and Sea Salt ones

Welcome to my life. WELCOME TO THE GLUTTONY. So sick.

Anyway, now that I've vented about that, I'm moving on with my life (read: trying not to eat any more snacks today).

I honestly wish that I had more to talk about, but considering I didn't go out last night (atypical for a Thursday - but everything's been exhausting), I don't really have much to say. So here are the highlights from the week.

Rudi found at apartment! Her new roommate is going to be my new best friend, or at least of them. I adore him so far. He's a lovely guy and he likes to pickle things and soak fruit in rum on a consistent basis (rumkopf). He also has many decks of cards, and went to trivia with us. Go trivia!!

I was supposed to go to trivia on Wednesday night, but instead had some miscommunication with this guy we'll call Ears, and Rudi ended up intruding on "Boys night" because I couldn't give her the message fast enough that Ears wasn't inviting us to hang out by telling us where he would be and at what time. It ended up being an interesting night though. Listened to music, drank beer/whiskey out on the patio at Union Hall with Ears and his friend and Rudi. Ears got shwasted and apparently blacked out at some point. I didn't though, and I was able to get to work JUST FINE the next day. All-in-all it was a good evening. Nothing too eventful. My friendship with Ears is kind of an odd one though. Every time I see him, I'm always mad at him to start. There's always attitude and for whatever reason I'm in a bad mood. As the night progresses and drinks are had though, we get along a lot better. It's so odd.

This is Union Hall - where we were drinking on the patio

Yes, they have bocce in the bar

I think we'll probably be seeing him pretty often though because Rudi is moving to the neighborhood he spends a lot of his time in.

I really need to start getting out my stories before I forget them all. I'm already slowly losing the strip club stories, and a bunch of other drunken ones like the time I felt up the security guard when I was shwasties, or the night I went over to this guy's house and he left me alone in his apartment for hours until I passed out, but I was having a drunken dance party for about 2 hours and apparently I called this other guy and had awful hiccups as I ranted about how pissed I was. Oh, or the other strip club story where B and I woke up in my car and couldn't figure out why we were there because I was parked outside of her apartment and hadn't driven anywhere (we woke up in the back seat). Turns out, at 4am, I decided I needed to put my shoes in the car and I guess it was too exhausting to go back upstairs after putting the shoes in the trunk that we sat in the backseat and both fell asleep for an hour or so.

Oh well, there will come a day for each of these stories. For now, I will continue to watch hulu at work before leaving early for the start of my holiday weekend!!

HAVE A GREAT MEMORIAL DAY, FOLKS!

I have a new job, and even more time on my hands

It's been a long time, blog world. I really planned on getting back to this a lot sooner. In fact, I don't even know if I'm fully back just yet because I have barely anything to talk about, but I thought - hey, while I have all of this time, I might as well start blogging again.

I guess that prompts the question "why do you have all of this time, KG?" Well blog world, I have a new job. And why do I have a new job? Because I was fired for some MAJOR bullshit after taking a three week vacation in Asia.

I'm sure there should be more detailing for both of those statements (why/how I lost my job and how was Asia). However, I'm not really at that point where I don't get bitter about the job situation and well - I don't have the mental capacity to pull the best pictures from my millions of facebook uploaded photos. That being said, I want to apologize once again to Mo for 1. Ruining her camera on day 1, and 2. Pretty much ruining our full out party chances by being a completely ridiculous blackout drunk on a Thai Island. Yes, I will tell this story at some point, but yeah, it kind of made it more difficult to Mo to relax and trust that something wasn't going to happen that would threaten our trip, again.

Goddamn I'm  being super vague in this entry, but I will get there, I promise.

So here's a rundown of what's been going on in my life.

• After being laid off, it took about two months to start my new job. I took a $10K pay cut, which hurts my heart and I've been borrowing my money from my parents far too much.
• We're planning on moving back into the old house after last year's fire on June 17th.
• In the mean time, my friend Rudi, has moved to New York from Baltimore and I am temporarily housing her until she finds a new place, so we will be spending a lot of time together and even more time exploring the city looking for apartments.

Yesterday, we went to look at an apartment in Park Slope and her potential new roommate should be my new best friend. I just want to hug him and play card games and pickle things with him all the time. We did all of the tourist crap in the shitty weather for Rudi's friend who drove her up from Bmore after the Great Googa Mooga festival got canceled (honestly, thankfully because my mom and I were dragging our feet about trudging through wet park mud).

 After Times Square, we went to Katz's deli and it was brilliant. It was PACKED and I played super stalker and took pictures (covertly) of the attractive, but short-ish security guy.

We had delicious Pastrami and pickles. And then of course, we went to Big Gay Ice Cream for amazing treats.

• I've probably been drinking too much lately, but the last two times I went out - I didn't black out. This is an amazing step in the right direction.
• I watch TV at work - and so I've been watching a ton of hulu lately which is just...well that's my life now. I do literally NOTHING at my job, and it'll be like this for the next few months.
• A plan for Jamaica is in the works for July, but pretty much no one can afford it right now, so that's a bummer. Oh well - we'll figure out how to make it happen.
• I need to start exercising again because I've been eating like it's going out of style for the past 4 or 5 days. I say this as I heat up some pastrami and prepare to gorge myself on its deliciousness.
• I've been to a lot of strip clubs lately - apparently they've become my thing. I will tell you two stories about them over the next few entries. They're pretty good and they make me happy and giggly, so I guess that all works out.
• It's already 1pm which is a good sign. 4 more hours of doing absolutely nothing and getting paid for it.

I've decided to end this now. To Be Continued...

I'm baaaaack

So I know it's been a long time. Like a really long time since I've blogged. I also know that the last few times I DID blog, it was nothing good. It was additionally, quite cryptic, which is not all that great for a blog where people have no actual insight into your real life unless you tell them. I'm ready to put that behind me though.

I can't say that I'm incredibly motivated to blog yet, but I think this is a good start. Considering that I never actually take a lunch break at work anymore, I am taking my sweet time writing this post (I actually made it to work on time today).

I've been pretty reclusive for the past few months. I've gone out here and there....

I just took a 4 hour break from this post...will have to continue tomorrow.

I thought it might get better

but it doesn't. Or at least, it's not yet. I'm digging myself into this hole that I may never be able to get myself out of.

All I want is to be alone right now. I've pretty much alienated anyone who I could spend time with for various reasons, and I get to constantly be reminded that 10 seconds can ruin a life forever.

I'm really going to miss Steel Pans, and something tells me that this post should also be a farewell to B as well.

Yes folks, it is that bad.

"This too shall..."...well in my experience "hold tight, the ride's only going to get rougher" is a bit more appropriate, because passing is something that this will not be doing any time soon.

Oh, and I've been meaning to write about my house fire, but there never seemed to be a good time. Now, I don't know if there ever will be. Still no internet at the new house - maybe it's better that way. I feel out of touch, and I kind of want to be. Also, I don't think I'll actually be "touched" any time soon.

Fuck (or don't, I suppose).

Silently crying at my desk...

I'm currently waiting for some of the worst news a person can get. I'd say it's top ten on the list of things you don't want to hear, maybe even top 5...or at least in my top 5.

Needless to say, things haven't gotten better since the fire. They just keep getting worse.